more videocall

"Yo... no way!" Violet said after I finally spilled the beans.

"You really didn't know?  I assumed you would be eavesdropping on all of Izaak's conversations."

"Nah sis, 99% of his convos are boring as fuck, I stopped listening a long time ago. And anyway, he has this thing about privacy and the first week we were in Egypt he taught me all about boundaries."  She winced, undoubtedly remembering the spankings she'd gotten.  "But what are you gonna do?  What did Gabe say?  Does Vic know?"

"I dunno," I said, a blanket response to all three questions.  I wanted to turn the convo back to Violet, find out more about this week of learning about boundaries, but remembered Izaak's strong encouragement to let her help me.  "I'm really scared..."  I broke off, continuing to fight the urge to change the subject.  Why was this so hard?  

"That you won't find another job?"

"Not exactly..." I began, thinking about it for a moment.  "Like Toby said he wouldn't give me a bad recommendation or anything... but he isn't sure I should keep doing therapy at all..." Normally she would've interrupted with a question or comment, but now she just sat there quietly, resisting any urges to inject her two cents.  "And maybe he's right... because he usually is... but then what else am I going to do with my life?  I've spent a lot of time and energy on this career..."

videocall continued

"I have already spoken to Toby, so I know what happened."

Uncertain how to respond, I chewed on my fingernail, looking down at the floor.

"Violet doesn't know, but you are going to tell her and allow her to support you."  I looked up at him to argue, but knew there was no use.  He was wearing his stubborn face, which meant no matter how compelling my argument, I would lose.  "You need your family right now.  Lean on us for support."

I nodded, holding back my tears as I admitted, "I feel so ashamed..."

"You should," Izaak responded simply.  The bluntness threw me for a loop — Toby and Gabe had been tiptoeing around my emotions, careful not to say anything that would send me in a spiral.  Izaak rarely offered me that courtesy.  If he thought it needed to be said, I was going to hear it.  "Getting high before work is disrespectful to your client, your career, and yourself.  If I were there right now, you would be getting the spanking of your life, kiddo.  I'm surprised Gabe hasn't done it yet."

My heart thumped against my chest as I imagined how this week away would have been with Izaak.  Yikes... he'd probably have me getting up at dawn and exercising all the time and eating healthy and shit... suddenly I felt grateful for Gabe 😅

"How do you know he hasn't?" I finally asked.

Videocall

“Bro, where ya at? You must be with gabe cuz no way you’re out of bed this early on your own.”

I rolled my eyes as violet inspected the background of my video image. Izaak sat next to her, shaking his head in amusement.

“You look good,” I told him, feeling his energy more alive and hopeful than I ever remember him being.

“I’ve been working on myself,” he reminded me, “and it’s helping a lot.”

“Any new insights or big moments?”

“The beach house!” Violet nearly shouted, finally recognizing something. “Why are you there with gabe? Shouldn’t you be snoozing your alarm for another hour until it’s time to drag yourself out of bed for work? You’re not sick-looking. Why aren’t you working today?”

“Are you spending your vacation learning how to be a detective?” I snapped back.

Izaak gave violet a mean look, enough to make her submissively settle down a little. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to rudely interrupt,” she said sincerely, which caught me by surprise. Of course then she added back in her near-shout, “but somethings off and I know you’ll keep this conversation about me and izaak unless we make you tell us.”

“When did YOU get so perceptive??” I joked.

“Izaaks not the only one workin’ on himself. So cmon, spill it.”

I looked at Izaak to see whose side he was on, and I was outnumbered. Rolling my eyes, I said, “I’m not working today. I have the week off, no big deal. I would prefer to hear about your trip.”

“No you wouldn’t, you just want to avoid talking about yourself.”

“Why do you sound so much like Toby??”

“Ohhh I bet Toby would tell me what’s up with you…”

“No!” I said a little too passionately. “I mean, he’s working, no need to bother him.”

Violet opened her mouth to say more but izaak cut her off. “Can you give us a minute please,” he asked politely, and she opened her mouth to argue, but his dominance took over and shut her up. She grumbled something under her breath and said she’d be back later, and left.

Now izaak turned to me, giving the same look he’d been holding for violet, which made my tummy twist up into knots.

Almost missed my train stop…

Toby sat across from me, knees almost touching mine as he gave me the most serious and compassionate look, though his eye contact was intense. “I really need you to think about what you want out of life. I know you were taught to put others first and not have your own opinion — and there are some benefits to that… I’m just speaking from my own experience. I almost killed myself getting through med school because it was too much. I had to re-examine if it’s really what I wanted or what my ego wanted. Then I had to change my lifestyle to fit the field I was getting into. I’d advise you to do the same.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond without getting defensive and yelling that I’m not him, my ego doesn’t drive my decisions like it does for him, but I figured he wouldn’t like that.

He’s psychic though. “I know we’re different people and I’m projecting onto you a little, which is why I believe you should think about it. Take some time — without weed or other mind altering substances — and see what the different parts of yourself are saying. Because getting caught with drugs at work is serious… I know you feel ashamed, but I need you to look me in the eyes, please.” I gulped and glanced back up at him. “It is serious and unethical at best. Which part of you thinks it’s okay to get high before working with a minor?”

I shrugged.

He paused to convince me to answer, but I broke eye contact again, also not daring to look at gabe who sat beside me watching the interaction.

Toby gave me a long time to respond before sighing. “I can see you’re not ready to dig into it yet, and that’s okay. I’m going to meet you where you’re at and not apply pressure.”

He placed a caring hand on my thigh, causing me to slightly flinch because I hadn’t expected it, and when I finally glanced back up at him, I saw his sternness had faded and now he felt like hippie Toby that I’d met years ago and just enjoyed being free and let loose. I knew part of him also didn’t see anything wrong with smoking before work (maybe?) but he had changed over the years. He knew something I didn’t. He had figured out the consequences before it got out of hand.

“I should go.” Toby glanced at gabe. “Thank you for looking after Molly so much. As her friend and surrogate older brother, I appreciate it.”

Hmm…

“Okay Molly, you’ve had a few days of avoiding the subject, but now we’re going to talk about it…”

“Noooo,” I whined, giving him a puppy face I was sure would work.

It didn’t. “Yes,” gabe responded sternly with a look that told me if I wanted to keep arguing, I’d be doing it over his knee. When i hung my head in response to not having my way, he continued. “How are you feeling about everything?”

“Like I suck. I’m only good at helping people and now I can’t even do that now.”

“Who said you can’t help people anymore?”

“Toby,” I said with an eye roll.

“There are thousands of ways to give service, young lady, and you know it.”

(Idk could also go “who said you’re only good at helping people” but the other way felt right in the moment 🤔)

gabe/Molly at beach house

I stumbled to the living room, still half asleep and fighting off the numbness of depression. My eyes were basically closed as I plopped onto the sofa next to gabe, only widening when I saw on the table in front of me a disposable vape pen I’d smuggled in, and the otk wooden paddle right next to it. Gulping, I glanced up at him trying to find an excuse.

“You get one opportunity to explain yourself, so make it good,” he warned, less playful than normal. He gave me an izaak vibe, too serious for so early in the morning. Normally gabe would’ve asked questions so I’d dig myself into a hole, but today he seemed too disappointed to do even that.

His eye contact was too fierce… I couldn’t downplay what I’d done. “I don’t have an explanation.”

“During our talk with Toby, you agreed that you needed a week or two at the beach house away from weed.”

I hung my head, nodding.

“You hid this anyway and have been smoking since we arrived, haven’t you?” He lifted my chin so that I looked into his worried eyes. “Did you smoke every night? When you said you were journaling?”

“…yes… but I journaled too!”

“That’s not the point. This week is supposed to be about taking the best care of yourself so you can start figuring out your future. You were even the one to suggest you needed a tolerance break. Then you packed a vape pen. Why?”

“I dunno….”

“I bet the doc would have some theories…” he said, reaching for his phone.

“Nooo don’t call him! I just wanted to have it… in case I wanted to smoke.”

He shook his head at me. “You know what’s going to happen now, don’t you?”

I glanced over at the paddle then looked up at him with puppy eyes.

“This isn’t a joke, Molly.” He paused and it looked like he was getting all teary eyed?? Which just made me feel worse. “I wish you had brought it to test my limits, but we’ve been here 3 days and you kept it so well-hidden until last night… it doesn’t add up.”

“I’m sorry…”

“I know. And you know I will do what I can to ensure this doesn’t happen again, testing or not.” I gulped and he pointed to the corner. “Bare your bottom, nose in the corner, and think about the paddling you’ve earned.”

Random scene in mind

“Remember our deal? You need to take care of yourself, not worry about taking care of me or anyone else. So you need to tell me what’s going on. Right now.”

I huffed and folded my arms at gabe. “That’s not fair!”

“Molly, do I need to put you back over my knee?”

The threat made me more angry than excited. “The only reason you’re making such a big deal out of this is because you’re projecting. You never open up to me or let me take care of you, nor do you let anyone else do it. And how am I supposed to express love to you if you won’t let me do it in the only way I know how? And you’re also not being a good example of how to accept help, just so ya know.”

Gabe opened his mouth to respond, then closed it, frowning. “Okay,” he said simply.

I blinked. “Okay what?”

“Okay, I hear you. You’re right. I can’t expect you to let me take care of you if I don’t reciprocate.”

Toby Chloe convo

“What don’t you like about working at gabes firm?”

“Just I’m not good at it and creepy clients, like we talked about before.”

“Ah, yes, I remember now. But that doesn’t really answer the question. You can be good at any job you feel drawn towards, and and creepy clients also happen regardless of the job. What’s the real reason?”

I glanced down, a little uncomfortable (and excited) at how easy it was for toby to keep the conversation about me. “I’m just not really cut out for it… it’s not my thing.”

He shook his head, unsatisfied. “Still not an answer. I would love to break you of that habit.” (😈 Toby has an evil side)

“Well what if I just don’t have an answer?” I said with an awkward giggle, unsure if I wanted this interrogation to continue 🤔

“I would say you’re lying,” he answered flatly. “An appropriate response may be, ‘I’m not going to answer,’ which works in non-coaching situations… but if I were breaking you of this habit, I wouldn’t allow that answer either.”

I squirmed, wondering what it would be like to have Toby in that role, though I felt shy to say anything about it out loud.

What a new feeling — shy around a guy? That’s not me!

“Haven’t you ever disliked a job without any clear reason?”

“No. But we’re discussing you right now.”

I rolled my eyes, feeling like a pre-teen talking to her crush. “Why don’t you just tell me the answer then.”

Toby just stared at me for a minute, confident expression, kinda cocky but kinda serious. “That’s not how this works. I don’t have the answers to your questions… the answers come…”

“From within?” I said in a mocking tone, giggling a little at Toby’s surprise that I was making fun of him. “You’re so hippie dippie sometimes.”

“And you’re using every defense to avoid any vulnerability, which I’m not criticizing, simply stating.”

I blushed. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“It’s not about what I want you to say, it’s about what you genuinely think and feel. I don’t find much fulfillment in people feeding me bullshit.”

I sighed, wondering what I did genuinely think and feel. “Maybe it’s too stressful… high stakes… corporate. You know, my grandparents were super hippie, too. Maybe this job just isn’t in my genes.”

Toby gave a half smile. What is he thinking? “I’ll accept that answer… for now.”

More Molly

“Molly?”

I didn’t move, body too heavy with depression to socialize, so I hoped gabe (and violet) would think I’m sleeping and just carry on with their day.

I should’ve known better — these are the two most persistent people I know.

“Bro she’s just faking sleep, you gotta talk to her.”

Continuing Molly scene

“How Can Molly get her job back.” Gabe asked it with such confidence, I was sure an answer with actionable steps would follow.

Toby maintained a neutral expression, though I suspected he didn’t like Gabe’s cockiness. My body tensed as I awaited conflict, pleasantly surprised at the calmness in Toby’s voice. “I don’t appreciate the implication that my decision isn’t about what’s in Molly’s best interest.” Now he glanced in my direction, causing butterflies in my tummy. “When was the last time you smoked within an hour before a session started?”

My heart stopped and I chewed on my lower lip, not wanting to answer. But the way both men looked at me, that wasn’t an option. “I… i don’t remember…” I stammered, looking away so they couldn’t read my eyes.

Toby only made us sit in the uncomfortable silence for a few excruciating seconds. “I’m willing to bet it was yesterday.”

My heart thumped against my chest as I chewed on my fingernail, staring at the floor.

“In fact, I suspect it’s nearly everyday, but I don’t want to believe that. I haven’t wanted to believe it for a while. We all want you to succeed, Molly. So much that I’ve deceived myself about how serious this problem has become. You aren’t happy as a therapist — at least I don’t think you are — and I don’t know if you will be until your childhood trauma is resolved.” He now turned to Gabe. “You know as well as I do that if we tried to fight this, her body language would tell the truth for her. Poker face is not her strength.”

I didn’t have the courage to look up and see how Gabe respond to Toby’s thought, and he didn’t speak.

So Toby continued. “And if she got away with it this time, how long until it happens again? There’s too much on the line here. At least this way,” he turned back to me, “you won’t lose your license, so once you’ve worked through… whatever this is… you can always come back.”

We sat in another tense silence until this time, Gabe spoke. “He’s right.”

That’s when I finally looked up, surprised at the admission. My friends faces were both filled with worry, which triggered something inside of me that turned on the waterworks. I felt so ashamed and useless…. But cared for at the same time. The most confusing cocktail of emotions.

Izaaks experience

The room was silent as we waited for izaak to reveal his big discovery. We’d all heard him throughout the experience — he’d cried a lot, and those big, ugly, uncontrollable sobs. I’d never seen him breakdown like that, and even though I’d been in the middle of my own separate experience, I’d managed to send loving kindness vibes to him (I know, sounds corny af).

He cleared his throat. Normally, thousands of guesses would leap to mind, but my own defenses having been worked on, there was a quiet curiosity engulfing me instead.

“I was transported to a childhood memory, but a different perspective… it’s difficult to explain.” The way he sucked in a deep breath, I knew his vision had been profound. “I met my parents… in spirit somehow… they weren’t the people I thought. From them I felt intense love and gratitude. And I realized… the betrayal I have been angry at myself for wasn’t really my fault. I was a child, and I was manipulated by adults who knew how to scare me into obedience. Then somehow, I was able to forgive myself.” Tears welled in his eyes as he said this, and it genuinely felt like something had been lifted from him.

Later when he and I were alone, I pried for more information, which I thought would make him uncomfortable, but he seemed different.

“Some American soldiers stopped me and asked information about my family… I wasn’t supposed to be out and had been advised not to speak to foreigners, so when I realized I’d given the men info that resulted in their death, I naturally blamed myself. But in my vision I saw what would have happened if I hadn’t said anything — I would’ve died too. And then I saw how that would have affected everything and everyone else… like Chloe, Molly… you.”

I couldn’t help but blush even though I tried to play it off.

“And then went back to these people who were my parents. It felt true. I don’t know… it showed their life… controlled by my family… then me as a baby being kidnapped, taken to the village leader who had received a ‘message’ about me being a prophet or something. It was really because he’d raped the woman and thought I was his son. He hadn’t been able to have his own with his wife.” Izaak paused, still in shock by the image. “I don’t know if it’s true. It feels like it is, and makes sense emotionally, but it’s hard for me to translate emotions into facts. It’s hard to process.”

“Maybe that should be part of your intention tonight… figuring out how to be comfy with emotions when there are no concrete facts.”

It’s like me trying to give advice reminded him of being in the spotlight and made him want to turn it back on me. “Did you find any answers to your questions about spanking?”

“Sorta, but i haven’t found words for it yet.” Really I just wasn’t quite ready to say anything out loud… because that’s what makes it true.

Violet in Mexico

(this was more brainstorming than anything, so doesn't make much sense)

“Next… violet?”

I glanced up at the psychologist Toby had recommended — a Harvard graduate who provided ayahuasca ceremonies for rich white people in Mexico — then back down where I’d written out my hopes for this weekend retreat.

“My intention is to learn about the root of my anger problems. I want to be guided towards resolution and find peace.”

I turned to izaak, who had expected me to say more, given I’d written a full page of thoughts. But it’s because I didn’t want to say the spanko thoughts out loud. Or the thoughts I was having about him. And besides, the doc said we only needed to share whatever we felt comfy with.

Seeing that I wasn’t going to continue, izaak decided to read his notes (really bullet points). There was a slight quiver of nervousness as he spoke. “To understand my purpose, have more clarity about the future — my career, my family, friends. I feel numb to many of life’s pleasures in an attempt to bury past traumas. It’s uncomfortable to seek support, but now I’ve hit a low at a time in my life where I have people who care. Maybe it’s time to confront my past… not only what others have done to me, but what I have done to others, and what I have done to myself.”

x-x-x-x

I’m just laying there when I start to feel sick. My tummy gurgling, wondering why I drank that nasty tea. I tried to remind myself that it’s okay, just let it happen. I noticed the thoughts then hugged the bucket, hiding my face to vomit out the badness. As I hurled, I heard layers of noise. Crickets and other forest creatures. Other participants puking. Shamans chanting. Light drumming. Such a contrast from typical nyc sounds. My body finally eased into the environment, the last of my stomach contents finally out of me.

I stretched out on my side, feeling a little dizzy. Eyes closed, i felt the vibrations from the shaman chanting. The vibrations turned into my spirit guide, which is the only way I know how to describe it even though I don’t know that it encompasses my full experience. Love flowed through my being, so vibrant and joyous that I couldn’t stop the tears.

Suddenly my body turned cold, all the loving warmth concentrated in my heart, my legs tingling. I noticed the feeling of being a small child… a baby even. Immediately I recognized the apartment, though I wasn’t sure where it was. I was in my mothers arms but she looked cold, detached, angry. I didn’t know what I did wrong. I was crying and she was trying to shush me.

The warmth came back as I felt myself detaching from the scene, now noticing it as if I was floating above. My mom looked so young… and I, unrecognizable. She picked up a phone and shouted at someone. Chills covered my body. Someone knocked on the door and suddenly the scene changed… now I was alone with strangers, crying, wondering why my parents had abandoned me.

exercising my writing muscle

Toby's vibe sent a chill down my spine as I followed him into his office, trying to talk my anxiety down before it spiraled out of control.  "Is everything okay?"  Instead of answering, he directed me to sit as he closed the door behind us, which didn't help me feel any better.  The silence suffocated me as I waited for him to take the seat in front of me.  He wouldn't look me in the eyes...  "Toby... you're scaring me... what happened?"

He cleared his throat and finally looked up.  "Your client's mom is accusing you of being 'on something' during a session."

My heart skipped a beat then sank into my stomach, sizzling with self-hatred.  "W-what?  Why does she think that?"  Gabe's voice was embedded into my brain, reminding me never to admit to something without evidence, but I was ready to burst into tears, apologizing.  I swallowed back a lump in my throat.

"Listen," Toby said, leaning forward and now making fierce eye contact that made me want to squirm away.  "This isn't easy..."

My body turned to ice, suddenly wondering if this was a nightmare and trying to find a way to wake myself up.... 

"You and I both know the truth.  And I can't..." he paused and looked away for a second.  I'd never seen Toby struggle so much to find words.  "I can't allow it to continue.  I think you should take a break from being a therapist."

"Is that a request... or a demand?"

Random Toby/vic scene in my mind (from the past)

“I’m just feeling so insecure.”

Vic cocked his head to the side, not really computing Toby’s statement. “About what?”

“It’s a lot of responsibility.. peoples lives are in my hands… I can’t fuck up.” Sweat beaded on his forehead as his mind spiraled into the worst case scenario… losing a patient because of carelessness.

Unaware of his friends anxiety, vic chuckled a little. “Bro, you shouldn’t have let your narcissism decide your career!”

Toby knew he was joking, but it rubbed him the wrong way. “That’s so invalidating,” he said, eyebrows crinkled disapprovingly. “Now I understand why Violeta’s emotional intelligence is nonexistent.”

There was a tense silence as Toby instantly regretted his words and tried to take them back…

“I didn’t mean that…”

Vic isn’t the fighting type, valuing harmony instead, but couldn’t help being a little snappy and defensive in response. “Yes you did.”

“I shouldn’t have said it… that was out of line.”

“You’re right, you shouldn’t have. And you’re right that I was being invalidating. If I’m being honest, it’s strange for me to think of a privileged straight white boy feeling insecure about work. But I guess you are human, even if you act like a robot sometimes.”

Toby gave an uncomfortable laugh at Vic’s lame joke. Then before Vic could continue babbling, Toby looked him in the eyes and said, “I’m not straight.” He turned like a million different shades of red, but didn’t break his friends gaze.

Vic’s heart jumped a little. He’d kinda known this already, and felt a little relieved at the confession, but tried not to let it show. “Okay, well you’re still a white dude. Lots of privilege wrapped up there.”

“And still allowed to feel insecure,” Toby insisted.

Vic playfully rolled his eyes. “Fine, I hereby validate your feelings, sir Toby.” He made a gesture as if knighting him (or whatever it’s called), then got serious. “But for real, you’re gonna be fine. Your heart is in the right place and that’s all that matters.”

“My heart is located in my thoracic cavity, just like every other human. That doesn’t mean I won’t fuck up.”

“Oh you’ll definitely fuck up, especially if you take shit so literally like that. But you’ll learn from your fuck ups and become even better, then help even more people. It’s all part of the process. But you know that already, right? Cuz if you don’t… maybe shrinking isn’t the job for you…”

Now was Toby’s turn to eye roll, even though he felt a deep admiration for Vic. There was something about his vibe… the way Vic just enjoyed life without being too careless, the way he took care of his family without feeling obligated…. Vic seemed perfect… normally a red flag… but their relationship felt… right.

Random past toby/tristen

“Tristen, what’s going on?”

“Nothing you’d understand.”

“Try me.”

I rolled my eyes at my big brother, continuing to walk towards the train station and ignore his request.

Toby’s persistent though. He reached for my shoulder to stop me from walking too far ahead, then looked me in the eyes. Worry lines were etched into his brow. “What I meant is, I’ll try to understand as best as I can. I genuinely want to know. No judgments.”

My eyebrows raised. “Promise?”

With a half smile he thrusted out his hand to shake on it.

I felt silly recounting my minuscule teenager problems, a voice in my head calling me dramatic every ten seconds as I shared complaints about mom. I’m supposed to be grateful I even have a family, a roof over my head, food on the table. Same lines fed by my parents day after day, somehow now embedded into me.

“It’s not supposed to be like this. Moving was supposed to be good for everyone… mom was going to be able to take care of her health better… dads back so we’re like an actual family…” I paused, swallowing back tears because even I’m not that dramatic. “But it’s like nothing has changed. Nothing fucking changed. It’s the same shit, different location. Dads ‘sobriety’ lasted two seconds. Moms manic trying to make everything perfect for him and forgetting about me. It’s just not fair. Parents suck.”

There was a pause as we boarded the subway, and I noticed myself holding my breath, waiting for Toby to feed me the same bs all the adults always did. “Oh they didn’t mean it” or “life isn’t fair” or “cheer up, kid, it’s not so bad!”

My brother isn’t like all the other adults, though. “You were expecting to finally have this picture perfect family that you’ve been waiting for all this time… and now you’re disappointed because they’ve proven to you, once again, you’ll never get that.”

Cue those tears I’d been avoiding earlier.

Toby wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me against his chest for a hug. I pressed my face into his t shirt, wanting to hide from everyone.

“Sorry, I’m such a baby,” I muttered.

“It’s okay to be a baby sometimes.”

A street musician entered the train cart and belted out an acoustic song in Spanish, then held his cowboy hat out for tips. Toby reached into his pocket and tossed a $5 bill to the man.

I peeled myself away from the hug and wiped my eyes, now feeling a little calmer.

“Does Tanya’s diagnosis make you nervous?”

My tummy flinched. “Why would that make me nervous? Nothing we can do about it, it is what it is.”

“It could make you nervous that something similar could happen to you, or it could make you feel powerless in general I guess.”

My eyes widened, then I pulled my feet up in my seat, hugging my knees against my chest. The diagnosis had been shocking and depressing, not only prompting my parents spirals, but clearly also my own. “At first I just tried to stay positive about it, maybe in a toxic way. Blind faith. What religious people talk about. But obviously god isn’t real. Nothing I’ve ever stayed positive about has worked out. It’s just disappointment over and over again.. ever since I can remember.”

Toby placed a hand on my shoulder. “You were born into chaos. Staying positive has been the way you’ve survived all the bullshit… and sounds like now it’s starting to do the opposite.”

I nodded. “Life sucks. When can it just be over?”

He let out a slight chuckle. “Some people say after this life is over, you have to go through it all again in another body.”

My eyes narrowed at him. “What the fuck, no way. We don’t believe in that shit.” It was nice to see him laughing though. He’d been so stressed out too. “If you actually become a shrink one day, that’s gonna be how you save a suicidal person. Remind them they might have to do this all over again. Fuck. That.”

We had a good laugh about that, letting our creativity take over for a while, making meaning out of our tragedy.

As we walked up the stairs to our apartment, Toby stopped me for a second. “Hey, I don’t want to be called in to pick you up from school again about stealing art supplies.”

“Allegedly.”

“I’m not dumb, Tristen,” he said in a firm enough voice to make me gulp. “I’m here for you no matter what, but steal again and there will be consequences, got it?”

I blushed, hoping no one had heard. “Yeah yeah, I hear you, no stealing, yada yada.”

He gave me a light swat on the bottom. “I mean it. We don’t need the school to call child services again.” He paused, realizing how much responsibility he was putting on me. “At least we don’t need them to be called over this, right? If you want art supplies, I’ll reward good behavior.”

With a sigh, I resisted the urge to correct him again — no one had evidence of me stealing! — and just agreed. “I’ll be a perfect angel 😇.”

More polyhouse

“Any other stuff to discuss?” Molly asked as she wrapped up the family meeting.

Izaak raised his hand. “Somebody has been leaving the front door open when they come in at night.”

Everyone looked at Violet. “What the fuck, why’s everyone always blame me for shit?”

“Because it was probably you,” Toby responded flatly.

“Yeah you’re always the one causing trouble, hermanita. Don’t get so offended,” vic teased.

“Whatever. This time it wasn’t me. I know what it’s like to live in the ghetto… I know to lock up. Sheesh.” She shook her head and scanned the room, looking for the next person to blame. “It’s probably Molly.”

“No it’s not! I never go anywhere.”

“Yeah but you’re up all night you prob do it without realizing.”

Izaak held up a hand to stop the bickering before it escalated. “It doesn’t matter. Now everyone is aware of the problem, so everyone can be more careful. If it happens again, the culprit will be spanked, understood?”

Everyone nodded in agreement.

It only took three days for the door to be left ajar again. This time, the culprit was found before a meeting was held.

“It was me.”

Izaaks eyebrows raised in surprised at Vic standing before him. That was the last person he’d expected.

“I was the last person home… I was drunk and more scatter-brained than normal…” he paused, a little nervous. “Sorry about that…”

There was a tense silence as Izaak looked for words. He finally settled on, “you know you’re going to get spanked for this.”

Vic gulped and nodded. “Yes, I accept, just please remember…. This is not fun for me 😅”

“I know.” He said nothing else, just lead vic to the spanking room [[[lol idk if that’s going to be a thing but just going with it]]]. He sat on the couch, vic standing before him in basketball shorts and a t shirt.

“Does it have to be… on my bare bottom?”

Izaak nodded, not giving vic the chance to think about it as he yanked down the shorts and helped vic over his lap. “I expect you to be more careful about everyone’s safety,” Izaak lightly scolded, beginning to rain down swats on Vic’s bottom. Everyone knows how I feel about spanking scenes, so that’s as far as I’m going to get with this tonight.

Happy fantasies 🥰

notes about toby/chloe

Where Toby went wrong with Chloe.

After violet and izaak leave to travel, Chloe moves in with Toby with the idea that he’s going to help her take better care of herself.

But I guess where he went wrong generally is allowing her to be vulnerable around him so much. It creates the environment of him always being the put-together one… the one with control. He predicts her moves before she makes them and calls out her bullshit and she’s addicted to it. She doesn’t question, just conforms. She stuffs down any negative feeling that arises because it feels safer to assume he always knows what’s best. And Toby’s ego loves being viewed in that light.

But that’s why someone like vic is healthier for him… because vic is fine with being called out but will also fire back.

Toby learns that he needs to be careful even in relationships where he’s the top. It’s so easy to view the bottom as helpless and in need of saving. He already knew not to try anything with someone who thinks the spanking will actually save them. But just being viewed in that way becomes a job rather than a 2 way relationship.

Poly house

“Do you know what time it is?” Izaaks voice echoed through the dark living room, startling me out of my video game trance.

“Yeah… it’s 5:34. Theres a clock on the tv, ya know,” I replied, not looking up from the screen.

Izaak took a step towards me. “Kiddo, we talked about this last night — you’ve overslept everyday this week from staying up too late.”

My tummy twisted into knots at his kindness as I wondered if testing his patience was a good move… But I was so high and into my game, it was easy to ignore him and the anxiety faded until he spoke again.

“Molly,” he said, a little more firmly now. “Bedtime.”

“Okay in a minute.”

“No. Now.”

“I’m in the middle of this but when I finish I’ll go.”

Izaaks mouth dropped as if he’d just realized his little girl had turned into a bratty pre-teen, then suddenly the tv turned off.

“Hey! I wasn’t finished!” I shrieked, chunking the controller onto the other couch, but it bounced off and landed on the hardwood floor with a THUD!

“You are now.”

Growling, I reached for the remote and turned the tv back on, disappointed to see that the match was over and I’d lost. But before I had the chance to grieve my characters death, izaak had strolled towards me, yanked me up from the couch, and tossed me over his knee. When I finally realized what was happening, he was already tugging down my pjs.

“Waitttt stopppp..” I begged, honestly not having expected a spanking right there in the living room where anyone could walk in and they could probably even hear if they were awake! (Of course, I probably should’ve predicted it, because it’s totally in line with how izaak rolls.)

He didn’t stop, instead circled his arm around my waist and began spanking my bare bottom.

*insert spanking scene here*

“Okay okay I’ll go to beddddd!” I finally cried. As the swats ended, my body finally relaxed, thankful it was over. Izaak lifted me up and stood me in front of him while I rubbed the sting out of my glowing bottom.

“If I catch you up this late on a weeknight again, I will use the hairbrush. Do you understand?”

I nodded, sniffling.

Izaak embraced me and planted a kiss on my forehead, then helped my pjs back up and sent me off to bed.

After climbing the stairs I noticed that my bedroom door was already open, which could only mean one thing….

“Somebody was up past her bedtime again,” gabe half-teased as I entered, closing the door behind me.

Blushing, I asked, “you heard the whole thing?”

“I did.”

I crawled into bed next to him, kinda pouty.

“Sounded like you got a good spanking.” As I snuggled up next to him, gabe reached to pat my bottom. “Feels like it too.”

“Omg stoppp you’re embarrassing me.”

“Maybe thats what you need to get to bed on time, young lady.”

I squirmed, feeling all tingly. “No I don’t,” I huffed.

“To be taken over the knee,” he said as his fingers went from caressing my bottom to.. caressing somewhere else. “Spanked like a bad girl — so soundly that everyone in the house can hear.”

“Nooo that’s evil…” I moaned.

“First by izaak, then by me. Through your tears you would promise to be a good girl. You would give up control to us and follow the rules. And any time a rule is broken, you know exactly where you’d end up…”

another vic inspiration video 😂🥰

https://youtu.be/iHXGOaMF5d8 

wanting to get back into daily writing again

"Ay dios mio, I'm so glad you're okay, hermanita.  You had me worried sick."  Vic squeezed me tight in a hug, probably wanting to smack some sense into me.  "When I saw you on the news being manhandled by the cops like that... I had no idea what to do."

Vic still didn't let go, though his tense body was finally softening.  "Well, sending Izaak to rescue me was a good call."  My heart skipped a beat as images danced into my mind:  being tackled to the ground, face shoved into the concrete, catching a glimpse of Izaak's boot then hearing his protective tone commanding the cop to stop.  It was such an adrenaline rush... power trip, even.  So much that I couldn't help mouthing off to the officer... much to Izaak's disapproval, even though we both knew the cop deserved it.  

My brother finally detached from me, now giving me an evil glare, ready to rip me a new one.  "Now explain to me what the fuck you were doing at that protest when you promised me to steer clear."

I groaned.  "Bro, you knew I was lyin' to get you off my back.  If you believed that shit, it's on you."

"We'd had a good talk... I warned you something like this would happen, and you seemed to genuinely care about your own safety for once."

last family meeting

"This is our last family meeting..." Molly said half-heartedly, eyes getting teary.

"It ain't like we won't keep in touch.  No need to get so sensitive about it."

She looked at me, unimpressed at how invalidating I was being, but now really wasn't the time.  There was enough on my mind about traveling with Izaak next week... to my hometown... where I'd have to deal with family drama and buried emotions. (What the hell am I getting myself into?)

"Besides, it's so awkward nowadays between sergeant douche and Clo."

Molly tensed up, suddenly ready to change the subject.  "It was a good few weeks though, right?"  She now looked at Toby.  "Do you think we accomplished our original mission?"

Toby chuckled.  "I'm not even sure I remember our original mission."

"To torture me," I said, sticking my tongue out at him.

The doc shook his head with a smile.  "Not everything is about you."  Today he was seated beside Clo, a little too close for my comfort.  I didn't like how chummy they were getting lately — like she was basically living with him now.  Like a typical dude, he thought he had all the power over her, but it was clear she had him wrapped around her little finger.  But I didn't dare approach that subject with Toby... he'd assume I was being protective about Izaak or just mad that he wasn't with Vic.... and he wouldn't be totally wrong.

"Ten bucks says this time it was about me."

izaak/toby scene beginning, then molly and toby

I met Izaak at the front door when he arrived, too ashamed to speak as I lead him upstairs. We entered my bedroom and his long legs immediately strode to the couch, ignoring the wooden chair I'd placed in the middle of the room. He motioned for me to take a seat next to him.

Neither of us spoke for a moment until I looked up and our eyes met. "You have not answered anyone's phone call for almost two weeks."

Gulping, I hung my head. "I know. I've been in a depressive episode."

He was silent, processing what I'd just told him. "You were manic last time I saw you."

I nodded, noticing that I wanted to get defensive and trick Izaak into feeling pity for me. I could recount past traumas and use psychiatrist jargon to make him think that I didn't actually deserve to be punished... to defend me against being vulnerable in front of him. But I didn't react to that desire, instead keeping a solemn expression, hands folded in my lap.

"What do you need to tell me?"  His sternness made my stomach twist with guilt and nervousness.  

"I... I think I triggered my own manic episode..."

[[i have no idea where this scene fits in relation to everyone finding out about chloe, so just gonna wing it 😅]]

Izaak eyes remained fixed on me, waiting for me to elaborate.  

random texting dialogue between good friends

(not sure when this is supposed to take place or what actually happened, but something I felt inspired to write)

Toby: hey, I’ve noticed lately what I’ve perceived to be passive aggressiveness coming from you. Is that your intention? Is there something we need to talk about?

Molly: me? Passive aggressive? Never!

T: … through text I can’t read your tone, but I can imagine, and I would really appreciate it if you would talk to me like an adult.

M: 🙄 I am talking to you like an adult and it doesn’t matter anyway, you’re too into Chloe right now and can’t see past her sluttiness

T: is this about Chloe or is this about me?

M: both.

T: it feels like there’s more you want to say, but I’m not going to force it out of you.

M: she lied to izaak and treated him like shit, and she did the same to me, but you’ve taken her side this whole time and helped her through it. Have you helped us at all or even put aside your defensiveness to be a good friend to us even though we’ve known you longer? Nope.

T: So you’ve been feeling like I care more about her and her needs than you and izaak?

M: yes.

T: I didn't realize you felt that way — I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention to be more loyal to her than you

M: what was your intention?

T: honestly? Chloe has no one, her family sucks, she barely has any adulting skills despite how far she’s made it. You and Izaak have each other and the rest of the family, and you’re more resilient than she is. She needed support and I could understand where she was coming from. 

Random dialogue with violet and izaak

“I can’t believe you still want anything to do with that bitch. Not only did she lie to you, but then she got all butt hurt about you ‘lying’ to her. What a fucking hypocrite.”

“Chloe is family. Family deserves to be forgiven.”

“What the fuck? That’s so toxic, bro. She could just use you forever and keep hurting you.”

“She does not hurt me.”

“Ha. You ain’t made of steel. Of course she does, even if you won’t admit it. You’ll stick around and have all this resentment built up til shit explodes.”

“Are you projecting?”

“Ooo fancy word usage. You’ve been hanging out with Toby too much.”

And then he stayed silent, probably another trick he learned from the doc.

“Maybe I am, but you know I’m right.”

Izaak shrugged. “Maybe you are.”

violet thoughts after realizing it's chloe

i don't even believe it — innocent little clo?  she's the voice behind all those sleezy conversations i read? the naked body in that video?

yo, i'm kinda impressed.  i didn't know she had it in her.  that sneaky bitch was able to find a way to put winters in his place.

then kind of guilty-feeling cuz winters didn't even do anything wrong and was at risk of losing his company and that's fucked up.

remembering the seattle trip.  kinda mad about opening up with her when she was lying to me the whole time.  she must've gotten something at sage's house, that's why she snuck in, not to "help" me, but to sabotage the case somehow.

but makes sense she's like this if her dad was a con, too.  

putting pieces together from the last few weeks we've known each other.

the money she stole, but then saved me from andy when i was drunk af

of course she was living with izaak for his protection.  that's why she was running from michigan — she knew she was about to get caught.

something about that rubs me the wrong way.  

she seems so sweet but has this dark side nobody knows about.

does izaak know?  he must.  he's probably been making sure she hasn't gotten caught so far.  well, someone's bubble is about to burst.

how can i prove it's her?  

not sure if any of this makes sense 😂🤷‍♀️

chloe's feels

It was a tense ride home as scenes from the meeting danced through my mind.  Violet arguing with Gabe and that look she gave me.  It felt like she knew my secret, like she could see right through me.  [[[[and with the memory card gone i have no other choice but to tell her before she tells gabe.  why hasn't she told him already?  i guess she hasn't been able to get into the card.  but where did she go on a lead?  fuck i just need to talk to her... it's my only option]]]]]

Izaak's eyes stayed focused on the road as he rambled about something unimportant.  My intermittent "mmhmms" kept him satisfied enough to continue the chatter as I wondered what to do.  Running was still at the top of my list, but Izaak's protection and my new family made it harder to do that.  Toby's idea to frame somebody sounded good enough and I could find an easy target.  How else could I steer the case in that direction but to tell Violet? [[[[trying to find another way because confronting her will be scary... esp after the way everyone was kinda ganging up against her tonight...]]]]]

feelings

just rethinking this chapter and adding in the feels... gabe is so hott 🥵 

I listened again to the recording as I sat on the train, playing the same 2 minute clip where Clo talked about her grandmother on repeat.  If she's a con-artist, she could turn on the waterworks easily, but those tears felt genuine.  It also poked at something inside of me...

If I could've been a con artist to make enough money to get my dad proper treatment so he wouldn't have died so soon... fuck the government and the law, I would've done it. [[[[remembering injustice of her parents — this is what she's actually going to have to resolve at some point i guess]]]]

And revenge.  Another thing I understand.  To be honest, I didn't think innocent little Clo had it in her to do something like this out of revenge.

But Winters shouldn't pay for a crime he didn’t commit.  Sure he was creepy as fuck, but 17 is on the verge of consent, and Clo wasn't even actually 17.  He didn't actually do anything wrong... Or did he? [[[[some part of her knows that winters did something wrong, but it doesn't justify chloe getting totally off the hook]]]]

I was lost in curious thoughts when I got home, but as soon as I pushed open the door, the negative energy hit me.  I barely flipped on the light when my gaze landed on the immobile, seething figure, sitting up straight.  "Where the hell have you been?"  Gabe shot up from his seat and strode towards me.  [[[[mixture of emotions... surprised, excited, nervous, and kinda mad]]]]

re-thinking the plot 🤔

(After everyone knows it’s Chloe — violets perspective)

“You’re a fucking bitch.”

“Vi….” Molly said with pleading eyes, only to be ignored.

“No.  Don’t try to defend her.  She lied to you and all of us.  For months she pretended to be someone she’s not… she hasn’t earned our mercy.”  I took a step closer to Clo, pissed off at myself for not wanting to punch her pretty little face.  Any other bitch would’ve gotten pounded on… but she had magic powers that made everyone like her, and it also fucking worked on me.  “Fucking lied, guilt tripped me, got my closest friends involved in your bullshit.  Why are you even still fucking here?”

“Just because you don’t think I’m worthy of your presence doesn’t mean everyone else here agrees with you, contrary to what you believe.”

“Ahh look at this chameleon bullshit.  You used to be so submissive it was disgustingly cute, but suddenly you grew a pair and now you wanna stand up to me?”  I let out a laugh and shoved her.

“Hey, none of that,” Izaak commanded, ready to jump in and break up a fight at any moment.

“Let the little girl speak for herself since she’s so tough.”

Clo didn’t say anything though, backing down a little and giving puppy eyes to Toby so he would baby her.  She didn’t know that he’s a pro at dealing with manipulative bitches.

But even he caved into her con-artistry at some point, urging me to be nice.  I’d been nice enough before.  There’s no going back.

New series maybe?

This is the premise for a new series I want to write... not really well thought-out or edited... just something I wrote during a plane ride.

x-x-x-x

"Don't kill me, please."

My eyes narrowed as I flopped down on my bed, wondering what my little brother's girlfriend, Erica, got me into this time. "What did you do?"

She hesitated, trying to figure out the best way to break the news. "So remember that song you wrote and I was recording...?"

My cheeks flushed, self-conscious about my horrendous music-writing abilities. I shouldn't have shared that song with her... "Yes, what about it? You were going to delete it because it's not YouTube-worthy..."

"About that..."

violet getting protective over tristen

"Bro, what the fuck happened?"  I'd been upstairs studying for hours, only taking a break when I heard my stomach growl.  In the living room sat a black-eyed Tristen, surrounded in a semi-circle by Toby, Izaak, and Molly.  Tristen was still shaky, bag of frozen peas in hand, nervously fiddling with the plastic as she tried not to look at anyone.

"There was an altercation," Toby said, guiding his little sister's hand so that she would put the ice on her wound.  I noticed scratches on her arm and a few bruises.  

"What?  Who?  Did you call the cops?"

Tristen's one eye got really wide.  "No!"

"Why the hell not?  Who fucked you up like this?"  She stayed silent, looking back down at the floor and started crying again.  I glanced from Toby, who seemed more concerned than annoyed, to Izaak and Molly.

"She won't tell us yet.  She's too scared," Molly said softly.  

"Scared of what?" I said, so loud that it made Molly flinch a little.  So I toned it down as much as I could, considering the way my heart raced and I felt the urge to knock someone's teeth out.  Looking back at Tristen, I asked, "Are you being threatened?"  

She shook her head, still not looking up.  If I wasn't so pissed, I would've taken a moment to appreciate her cute submissiveness, but right now it was fucking annoying.  That's how she got herself into this mess in the first place. 

"Well what is it?  Come on, tell us."

Toby shot me a glare.  "You're not being helpful right now."

for any time i need vic inspiration

this video captures so much of how i imagine my character... so emo 😂🥰

https://youtu.be/EXsJI6vcIkA 

violet's animal

more of beach smoke circle

"So you're a switch?  Have you had an official spankee before?"

The memories came swirling back, making my tummy roll with disgust and my chest burn with anger.  But before I could answer, Toby had to throw in his two cents.  "Molly is a phenomenal top.  Anyone on the receiving end is very lucky to get her attention and care."

He was just saying that because he knew the topic of my ex-spankee upset me.

"How would you know?" Vic said with a teasing tone.  "Did she beat your ass before?"

Toby rolled his eyes.  "No, it's just so obvious."

"He's seen me spank a few people," I chimed in, hoping it would help me dodge Chloe's question.

"Who??" 

"Your sister, for one, a couple of weeks ago when she was all up in her feels about Jason and losing her job."

"And who else??"

Ugh.  I should've known there's no way I could get away with half-answers.  "This girl named Shelby...."

Vic mock-gasped.  "Are you saying there's something about Molly Collins I don't know??"  He grinned, waiting for me to spill the beans.  

I glanced at Toby who I could tell felt a little bad for me.  But instead of jumping in to change the subject and save me, he said, "It'll be good for you to talk about it.  Process some of those emotions."

Finally catching the tone, Vic said, "Wait, what happened?  Something bad?  I'll kick someone's ass.  Let me at her."

Toby snorted.  "It's cute when you try to be as tough as Violeta."

blah this felt like it was longer when i was writing it

(goes with this:  https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aYtsATYbUSvRNv1WQwpgRZTELHXYWMuGfuNnqTkiL70/edit?usp=sharing)

"Why don't you trust Izaak?  Hasn't he proven he'll be here for you?"

Not the question I'd expected in that moment from Toby.  We were walking on the edge of the ocean, waiting for the sun to rise after staying out all night and drunkenly making out in the car.  But I should've known the kind of intimacy Toby likes would make me more vulnerable than just taking off my clothes.  I'm not sure which I prefer, though.

"Who said I don't trust Izaak?"

"You're asking that to buy time while you figure out what I want to hear.  But what I want to hear is the truth."

My cheeks flushed at his candidness.  "It's not that anyway.  He's a cop...  He'd get in so much trouble... I shouldn't put him in that position."

"You don't trust that he will choose you over his job.  Nor do you trust that he would be able to figure out a win-win solution."

"Do cops ever go for the win-win?"  Tears threatened to fall and I stopped, looking Toby in the eyes.  Something seemed kinda off with him... different from our usual chats.  Maybe just the alcohol.  

"You see him as a cop before you see him as a friend."  The words came out matter-of-factly, causing the truth of the statement to hit me much harder than I would have liked.  "But why?"

chloe after sleepover

The panic crept in as soon as I left Molly's room.  It was a miracle that I'd been able to smash it down for so long after learning that we'd be going to Washington state... not DC.  Wtf?  How had I not realized that?

Violet had to be investigating Sage — who else would she be looking for in Seattle?  And she'd mentioned that this person's calls are monitored... of course it's Sage!  What am I going to do?

If Izaak hadn't just punished me for smoking, I'd be outside with Violet right now having a cigarette.  The weed Molly had given me was nice, but wasn't calming my nerves at all.  Anyway, the only reason I'd gotten it was because I'm going to be nervous af when Izaak picks us up, and he will definitely notice and question it.  Weed is the perfect excuse.  He wouldn't buy it if I just told him I'm afraid of flying since we've flown together before and I'm obviously not.

I splashed water on my face to try to calm my nerves, then laid in Violet's bed (or I guess her brother's bed?) trying to breathe like Toby had taught me.  She came in with the familiar cigarette scent, which made me a little jealous.  If anything could calm my nerves for a few minutes, it was nicotine. 

But I'm moving past that.  Best not to even think about it.

As she snuggled into bed next to me, Violet and I made a little conversation which distracted me for a bit, until she started snoring and then I was alone with my thoughts.