The room was silent as we waited for izaak to reveal his big discovery. We’d all heard him throughout the experience — he’d cried a lot, and those big, ugly, uncontrollable sobs. I’d never seen him breakdown like that, and even though I’d been in the middle of my own separate experience, I’d managed to send loving kindness vibes to him (I know, sounds corny af).
He cleared his throat. Normally, thousands of guesses would leap to mind, but my own defenses having been worked on, there was a quiet curiosity engulfing me instead.
“I was transported to a childhood memory, but a different perspective… it’s difficult to explain.” The way he sucked in a deep breath, I knew his vision had been profound. “I met my parents… in spirit somehow… they weren’t the people I thought. From them I felt intense love and gratitude. And I realized… the betrayal I have been angry at myself for wasn’t really my fault. I was a child, and I was manipulated by adults who knew how to scare me into obedience. Then somehow, I was able to forgive myself.” Tears welled in his eyes as he said this, and it genuinely felt like something had been lifted from him.
Later when he and I were alone, I pried for more information, which I thought would make him uncomfortable, but he seemed different.
“Some American soldiers stopped me and asked information about my family… I wasn’t supposed to be out and had been advised not to speak to foreigners, so when I realized I’d given the men info that resulted in their death, I naturally blamed myself. But in my vision I saw what would have happened if I hadn’t said anything — I would’ve died too. And then I saw how that would have affected everything and everyone else… like Chloe, Molly… you.”
I couldn’t help but blush even though I tried to play it off.
“And then went back to these people who were my parents. It felt true. I don’t know… it showed their life… controlled by my family… then me as a baby being kidnapped, taken to the village leader who had received a ‘message’ about me being a prophet or something. It was really because he’d raped the woman and thought I was his son. He hadn’t been able to have his own with his wife.” Izaak paused, still in shock by the image. “I don’t know if it’s true. It feels like it is, and makes sense emotionally, but it’s hard for me to translate emotions into facts. It’s hard to process.”
“Maybe that should be part of your intention tonight… figuring out how to be comfy with emotions when there are no concrete facts.”
It’s like me trying to give advice reminded him of being in the spotlight and made him want to turn it back on me. “Did you find any answers to your questions about spanking?”
“Sorta, but i haven’t found words for it yet.” Really I just wasn’t quite ready to say anything out loud… because that’s what makes it true.
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