rewriting beginning of next chapter

I took a hit off the vape pen as I stepped onto the subway, ignoring the glare I received from a grumpy old man.  While part of me was thankful that Molly had prescribed me a numbing substance to get through the day — I needed it to slow down the billions of thoughts about who Pattie Cake could be (probably Clo?), and weed made it easier for my anger to chill out so I wasn't as snappy with Gabe and Clo — another part of me knew that I was doing exactly what Toby had advised against.  

As the doors closed behind us, I offered Clo a hit off the pen.  She shook her head.  "I don't have a death wish.  Izaak's still mad about me taking Molly's pen."

"Yeah, you're such an innocent little angel," I said with a snort, not totally able to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

Nervous energy buzzed inside me as I tried to ignore my nagging suspicion about her true identity.  My eyes darted around, ready to fight anytime someone bumped into me.  To distract myself, I tried to keep up a light conversation with Clo.  

"Legit, when was the last time you had a sleepover at your place?"

"Ummm... I think never."

"Are you fuckin' kidding me??  We've gotta do all the corny white girl shit.  Popcorn and ghost stories and talkin' about cute boys and pillow fights."

violet dealing with Gabe's coldness

I sat across from Gabe, ironing out the details of how to deal with Riley and Andy and the whole fiasco.  It was easy enough to engage in this logical conversation, problem solving and headed towards a win.  But there was a coldness radiating from him that had been driving me crazy since I came clean last week.  

When we finished, he dismissed me, and went immediately back to his computer screen.

"Hey."  I cleared my throat, shifting nervously in my seat.  "I know you're pissed.  Just let me have it.  I know I fucked up."

Gabe didn't turn from his work.  "We're not doing this on your terms."  Period.  No other words spoken, just a heavy ice settling in the room.

"I shouldn't have kept it from you for so long, that was wrong of me.  I'm sorry."

Still nothing, just the sound of light clicking as he continued typing his document.

"Gabe... please, just say something."  

He finally turned, eyes piercing me with his irritation.  "Get to work."  Then turned back, wanting nothing to do with me.

Frustration boiled over in me, and it took everything to not shove everything off his desk, kick the lamp over, throw the books off his bookcase.  Instead I let out a growl and pushed myself up from the chair, half-stomping towards the door, swinging it open and letting it slam behind me.  Gabe's new receptionist looked at me with pity as I stalked past her, avoiding eye contact.

getting ready to post this chapter

Thoughts overwhelmed my mind, and I had to take a break from my computer for a moment.  Sitting it to the side, I paced Vic's room, smoking a cigarette.  

The night before we'd left for Seattle, when Molly was FaceTiming with Gabe, and he'd said, “You’ll see the humiliation I’m capable of when you return from Seattle,” and Clo had conveniently choked on the smoke at the same time.  Had she not realized that's where we were going?  Did she know we were going to meet up with her ex-partner in crime?

"What's the case even about?"  she had asked me that first morning of our trip, right before sneaking in Sage's house.  What was she looking for in that basement?  Is that why she wanted me to spank her instead of telling Gabe what she'd done?

“I’m guessin’ this ain’t the first time you’ve gotten a free upgrade.” ... "My dad was an expert at this kinda shit." ... "Salesman?" ... "Thief. He's in jail right now. Convicted felon."  Her dad?  Maybe he was the key to this.

I sat in Vic's recliner, depositing my cigarette into the ashtray and picking up my computer again.  I scrolled up to the guardian names listed on Chloe Peterson's school record.  The early years had Melvin Harris and Nancy Peterson, who I assumed were her parents.  Later in middle and high school her emergency contact was listed as Esther S. Harris.  

"Did y'all ever get caught for real?" ... "Only by my grandma." ..."She musta been pissed!" ... "Nah, my father was always the favorite.  Esther was her paternal grandma?  

family meeting continued

There was another tense silence after Violet finished her confession, all of us sitting together in the heaviness of everything going on.  And to think — just a couple of weeks ago we had been frolicking around on the beach and enjoying the freedom of vacation.  What a turn around.

"What are we gonna do?" Molly finally asked. 

My heart thumped and I snuggled even closer to Izaak, praying that they weren't going to immediately turn me in to the cops, that someone would be on my side.  But how could I expect that when it had never been the case.

"First we need to deal with Andy," Gabe said matter-of-factly.  "We need to figure out a way to delete whatever he copied from the memory card."

Violet quickly cut in, shaking her head.  "There's no way.  We have no idea where he even saved the files.  I could destroy his phone, but it's probably backed up in the cloud."

"Your friend Riley does."  Gabe's tone was bitter as he said it.

"If she already betrayed me like this, do you really think I can get her on my side?"

"I know you can.  Find some dirt on her.  You're good at that."

There was another moment of stillness as Violet pondered that idea, finally nodding.  "Yeah, okay.  I can do that."

"Then we need to take Andy down." 

[[idk i still have to figure out how this is going to happen and I guess I'm not feeling it tonight 💔]]

running out of things to write about

I sat in the sand, smoking a cigarette, listening to the waves crashing on the shore.  It was nearly dark, so most people had gone inside for the evening, which was exactly what I'd been waiting for — finally some time alone.  

Normally I didn't need the break from people, but since Clo had bombarded me with her confession and begged me not to tell Gabe, I had too many emotions to sort out, and no time to really consider them.  Not to mention we had been drunk and high pretty much the whole time we'd been on vacation.  Well, I exaggerate a bit, but there was lots of weed and alcohol consumption, especially last night.

What a way to spend my weekend celebrating sobriety.

But everyone seemed to have so much going on.  Clo with her secret, Molly with her inability to break up with Adam, Toby with whatever the fuck manic episode he had, Vic processing the horrors he saw in Arizona, Gabe with his concern over Molly, me with guarding Clo's secret... everyone except Izaak seemed to be losing it.  And Izaak might just be a good faker.

Memories from my past haunted me — lying to Gabe, him finding out in the worst way, the icy silence that he greeted me with afterwards, my pushing him for any kind of reaction.  Then he didn't talk to me for years.  He didn't not-talk to me either, he was just super indifferent.  He still helped take care of Vic's immigration stuff, he footed the bill for Toby's services.  But I really fucked up by lying to him.

chloe family meeting after gabe knows

For some reason, I couldn't muster up the courage to give Izaak the heads up before the meeting.  My anxiety was too overbearing.  I didn't even go home, just wandered around the city all day, avoiding everyone.  Entertaining the idea of escaping to Canada, I passed by the bus station, checking ticket prices before talking myself out of it.  I even called Sage, disappointed when she didn't answer.

As the sun approached the horizon, I finally headed towards Molly's apartment.  My insides churned with disapproval, trying to keep me away from the meeting.  But somehow my legs carried me forward anyway, and my finger clicked the buzzer, and my hands pushed open the door.  I was soon greeted by four sets of eyes and the most solemn mood ever.

"Is Toby coming?" I asked, plopping down on the couch next to Izaak.

"He still ain't answering."  Violet rolled her eyes.  "He's the one who should be here gettin' his ass beat for avoiding us all."

I glanced at Molly who shifted uncomfortably in her recliner, guilt written all over her face.  

"Today's subject isn't the doc, it's the two of you," Gabe responded.

Izaak stiffened at my side, eyeing me.

Violet noticed.  "Bro, you didn't tell him yet?"

"Tell me what?"

I brought my knees to my chest, curling into a ball and feeling the weight of everyone staring at me, waiting for me to break.

When the silence became too much, Violet groaned in frustration.  "C'mon, sis.  Usually it's me in the hot seat, last week was Molls, now's your turn.  Spill it."

chloe after gabe knows

I arrived to the office still feelings the emotional effects of the video Andy had posted online.  I still shuttered when I thought about my most intimate parts being exposed online, along with my face for everyone to see me.  Not only that, but I was also slightly worried about Violet.  Izaak had sent me to bed and sleep overtook my body before he'd come back home from checking on her.  All he'd told me during our morning routine was that he took her home and she seemed to be fine.

But when I arrived a couple of minutes late, Violet was nowhere to be found.  Which made my heart thump a little louder than normal.

I just want all this to be over.

molly and vic's wedding

Vic wrung his hands in nervousness as he paced in the courthouse.  I took a moment to admire his suit and tie, which made him look absolutely gorgeous, despite the nervous sweat that formed at his brow.  Placing a hand on his shoulder, I whispered, "Hey, don't worry, she'll make it."

"And I'll make sure she understands how important punctuality is," Gabe added, looking like he was going to take off his belt right there and deal with Violet as soon as she came through the doors.

"She's always late," Vic grumbled, pushing his hair out of his eyes and turning towards me.  He managed a half-smile.  "But I won't lie, I'm worried she's doing this on purpose because she's been pissed at me so much lately."

"Violet wouldn't miss this for the world.  Your her big brother, she loves you even through all that unfiltered anger."

Vic's aunt rattled something to him in Spanish, which caused his uncle to give the classic Esperanza Eye Roll.  They really were all alike with their fiery attitude.  As Vic answered, rolling his r's with the precision of a native speaker, we heard the door slam and collectively looked up to see Violet, rushing inside in a wrinkly lavender dress.

"So nice of you to make it," Gabe said, giving her a look that I could only interpret as I'll deal with you when we get home.

"Sorry, bro, the trains were a fuckin' mess."  She gave her brother a kiss on the cheek, then greeted her cousins and aunt, completely ignoring her uncle.  "Were y'all just waitin' on me?"

violet's midnight meeting

It was half past midnight when I arrived at Dominic's, and Clo was already sitting in a booth, scrolling through her phone.  Our usual drinks sat in front of her, glasses filled to the brim.  

"Hey," I said as I slid in across from her.

She looked up from her phone, smiling up at me.  "Today's meeting was tense."

I nodded.  "You didn't have to order me this... I think I'm giving up on drinking for a while."

Clo's eyebrows raised.  "Guess I'll have to drink both."  Then she took a sip of her mojito.  "Do you think Molly's okay?  And Toby?  What the hell happened today?"

"This isn't what we're here to talk about."  The anger burned in my chest, half-blaming Clo for the mess that had ensued, even though Molly was the one who made the mistake.  Clo had also made a mistake, though, and not telling Gabe was killing me... and after today, it didn't seem like a good time to rock the boat again.

"I know.  But I'm genuinely worried about them.  They've become my family, too..."

violet family meeting/paddling Izaak [aka the most awkward scene to write ever]

When everyone finally stopped ganging up on me, Izaak cleared his throat.  "Everyone should know that Esperanza won the bet we made."

"Yeah I survived his weekend of fucking torture.  Which means I get to beat his ass now!"

Gabe rolled his eyes.  "Oh great, just what we need, Violet on her high horse again."

"A bet's a bet."  I pushed myself up from my chair and went to the implement bucket, sorting through the paddles.  The wood clacked together as I debated between either the hole-y paddle or a fraternity-type paddle, finally settling on the latter.

Glancing up at Izaak, I tapped it against my palm and grinned.  Don't tell anyone, but I actually felt kind of nervous and awkward.  We totally didn't have a switchy-type relationship.

"Are you gonna just sit there or actually get into position?"

All eyes turned towards him, waiting to see how this was going to go.  Izaak didn't flinch as he stood, and I wondered how he was feeling underneath his calm exterior.  Was he as nervous as me?  Did this excite him at all?  Surely he wouldn't be worried about the pain — I doubt he'd even feel my pathetic swings, even if I gave it my all.

[[[[this is so weird to write!!!]]]]

molly forging prescription in modern times

"I didn't go to school all week... the depression is killing me.  And my mom just doesn't understand.  She thinks all meds are bad."  My seventeen year old client sighed, slumped in her seat, looking so disconnected from herself.  "But nothing else is helping.  My friend gave me edibles, but after last time..." when she took too many and had a psychotic meltdown... "I don't want to do that again.  Is that the only thing I can do though?"  She looked up at me, eyes stony, reminding me of myself.  "If my mom refuses meds... is my only option getting illegal drugs?"

My heart broke for her.  I had tried everything — talking to her mom, sending psychiatrist referrals, getting my supervisor involved, even calling child services (who didn't do anything).  In my client's community, there was such a denial of mental health services, including therapy.  Anti-depressants were seen as giving into the weakness, a character flaw even.  They were old school... the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type.  It was so ingrained in their culture that all of my pleas were useless.

"It just makes me want to die."

"Isabel, no."  I leaned forward in my chair, showing the deep compassion I felt for her situation.  "I know it feels like too much right now, but we are going to get through this, I promise."  I let out a breath, lip quivering as I imagined the worst case scenario.  Then I was just honest with her:  "I'm worried about you."

She nodded, looking away.  "Me too."

not much in the mood to write tonight, but some thoughts anyway

Vacation was supposed to be fun.  Here we were, celebrating my two weeks of sobriety from coke, but I didn't feel like I deserved it.  Now I knew the truth about Clo... I knew the whole story, not only from listening to her confession to Toby, but also hearing it directly from her mouth.  Her pleas for me not to tell Gabe or Izaak kept me up at night, wondering where my loyalties lie.  

Gabe, who had stopped talking to me for six years after I lied to him, but then offered me a way out of my fuck up, giving me a job and enough money to pay off my debts.  On some level he must have cared about me, right?  And loyalty was a big deal to him.  Keeping this secret now was criminal. 

But if loyalty was so important to him, wouldn't he understand me wanting to keep this secret for Clo?  

The other thing that kept me up at night was memories of her paying off Andy with that money she stole... I had been drunk and high off my ass, egging Andy on, inches away from him demanding one of his goons shoot me.  But would he have actually ordered that?  He did order them to go after Gabe... but we had more history than that.  Did he have a soft spot for me? 

All of this was on my mind all weekend, only numbed momentarily when drunk or high.  Funny how the weekend vacation to celebrate my sobriety was filled with mind altering substances.

I guess this is part of what made the cravings come back so strong.  Coke made me feel so powerful... so in control.  

violet + riley

I had been trying all day to get into the fucking memory card, with no luck.  The pressure from Gabe had lit a (literal and figurative) fire under my ass, prompting me to figure out some actual proof before our meeting Wednesday.  I didn't want to go in empty handed, but mostly I didn't want to take the chance of turning Clo in without proof.  

When I finally packed up for the day and headed out of the office, I made the executive decision to go to Dominic's.  The coke cravings were still real, despite the caning I'd received earlier.  I silently wondered if it would be possible to get a few bumps without anyone ever finding out.  Maybe I could even just get a little baggy?  I could hide it in the inner pocket of my suitcase... 

My thought was cut off by a text message.

What time are we meeting?

Ugh Gabe... setting me up a meeting with Toby as if I didn't have better things to do.  But I had to go, otherwise he would be suspicious of me and beat the truth out.  I hurriedly typed out a response — can i come now?

I didn't wait for a response before descending to the train platform heading in his direction.  At least maybe Toby could get me a prescription for Molly.

x-x-x-x

"You and Gabe all chummy now?  It's fuckin' weird, bro.  What's up with that?"

Toby's expression remained flat as he closed the door behind me.  "We're here to talk about you."

channeling my anger into violet 😈

I was scrolling through TikTok when the door swung open.  "My office.  Now."  As quickly as he entered, Gabe let the door slam shut, expecting me to follow him.  

With a groan, I pushed myself up from the conference room table, pocketing my phone and closing my laptop before obeying.  

When I got to his office, my boss snapped, "Close the door," as if I already wasn't going to do that.

"Who got your panties all in a bunch?" I asked, plopping down in front of him.

Gabe was not amused.  "I told you I wanted to meet about the Winters case right away this morning.  Where were you?"

"Um, doing the fucking job you hired me to do."

He stood up, buttoning his suit jacket, then pressed his palms flat against the desk, leaning towards me.  "The fucking job I hired you to do involves obeying my orders."  His tone was dangerously low, indicating that I was inches away from him retrieving his cane.

But it'd been a rough few days, so I wasn't ready to back down so easily.  Between Izaak's weekend of torture (which I won the bet, btw), Clo's lies, and the plethora of pieces I'd found to confirm my intuition, I was in no mood to deal with his bullshit.  Pushing myself up from the chair, I also rested my fists against the desk, leaning towards him.  "What the hell is your problem?  You don't trust me?  You don't think I'm moving mountains to find the fucking evidence to give you?"

He knew I was picking a fight, but didn't entertain me.  "What did you find in Seattle?" 

adding emotions to the next chapter

Chloe Peterson.

Hearing Izaak say her name like that stunned me into silence the rest of the meeting. My mind was racing too much to even pay attention to Clo's caning or the chit chat that followed. I was stuck on remembering the yearbook picture... a blonde girl from Lansing, Michigan, with a slight smirk and high school grades that reflected what could be the work of a con artist.

[[right now I'm in shock and denial.  It can't be her, can it?  What are the chances?]]

The pieces connected – Clo’s curiosity about the case, sneaking in when we visited Sage, all those "good deals" she got us in Seattle, giving in so easily to me spanking her, the story about her criminal father…

Goddammit.  There were so many signs and I never saw it!

[[I'm feeling stupid, like the evidence was so obvious, right there in front of me, and my dumbass didn't see it.  Right under my nose the whole time... how did I not see it?  But I'm also feeling conflicted... because really?  Sweet innocent little Clo?  But now the evidence is pointing straight to her.  Did she talk to Sage at all?  I was so caught up in my anger towards her that I hadn't even noticed...]]

[is sobriety making my writing worse?]

As I laid in Izaak's bed staring at the ceiling, I thought back over the last 24 hours.  All the research I'd done — not only on Chloe Peterson, but also the handful of other young women who could potentially be Pattie Cake.  The conversation with Molly.  Gabe's insistence that I give him some concrete evidence after the weekend.  Taking Clo to the rooftop, high out of my mind, numbing the anger, betrayal, and fear.  Izaak's protective vibe and curiosities about if he knew the truth with his roommate.  And now, laying next to her in bed, completely sober, my impulsive instincts wanting to take over.

"Why did your dad go to jail?"  I rolled over to face her, even though it was dark and I could barely see the outline of her thin body.

Her breathing stopped for a moment, and I wondered if she would ignore my question.  When she finally spoke, her voice was soft and measured.  "He had some elaborate con with some business in Chicago.  I don't know all the details... I was pretty young and my granny kept me out of the loop."  She swallowed.  "Why do you want to know?"

"How did he get caught?" I wondered aloud, then thinking of my wonderful therapist friends, I added, "What was it like for you?"

There was an awkward silence.  She clearly didn't want to talk about this, but as I've been told, I don't know when to stop asking questions.  Or maybe I do, and just don't give a fuck.