just experimenting 🤔

"Toby... I... took one of your prescription papers and... made a prescription."  I managed to choke all the words out before sobbing, now burying my head in my hands so I wouldn't have to face anyone.

"What?"  His voice sounded confused and was so low that I almost didn't hear him over my cries.

Gabe and Violet filled him in on the details since I wouldn't say anything else, buried completely into my hands.  Vic rubbed my back from beside me, and I idly wondered what everyone thought of me at that moment.  My brain blocked out Gabe and Violet's words, not wanting to hear what I'd done.  I was too ashamed.  

I realized that they finished talking about the same time I realized Vic was no longer touching me, but instead speaking in his assertive reporter voice.  "Señorita, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Shivering, I glanced up to see all eyes on me, mixed emotions in the crowd.  Gabe' wore a frown, but eyes were sympathetic.  Violet was simultaneously amused and bored.  Chloe looked stunned, not having expected such a crime from me.  Izaak's lips pressed into a fine line, eyes disappointed.  Vic gave my knee a friendly squeeze as his expression affirmed he would be there for me.  Then I dared look at Toby, face covered in hurt and betrayal.

I tried to look him in the eyes as I spoke.  "I'm sorry... it was so stupid... I won't do anything like this again... please don't hate me..."  I wiped my watery eyes then put my hands together as if praying.  

molly flashback

2009

"You're late," Gabe bellowed when he swung open the door.

I was already in tears, but his narrowed eyebrows brought on another sob and I covered my face with trembling fingers.  "I'm s-sorr-ryyyy."  Words were hard to get out, interrupted by my sniffles and hiccups.

"Those tears won't work on me this time, Young Lady.  Get in here."  His tone was only slightly raised, but sharp and commanding.  

I wiped my tears as I shuffled inside his apartment, but they still steadily streamed down my face.  "I-I'm s-s-sorry-y...."  My body ached, shoulders tense from all the adderall, lungs exhausted from smoking too much.

The door slammed shut, causing me to jump, but soon my anxiety was soothed as I felt the pressure from Gabe's hand against my back, nudging me forward.  I stood there for a moment fixated on the warmth of his touch, then allowed him to lead me to the living room.

"You better have a good explanation for arriving 3 hours and 23 minutes late to our scheduled appointment."

I stood in the middle of the room, still crying, now chewing on my fingernail as Gabe towered over me, arms folded.  My eyes stayed staring at the floor, fidgeting as I wondered what to say.   Words wouldn't form right, so tears came out instead.

Gabe sighed and I could feel his annoyance with my lack of response, on top of all the anger he already felt at me being so late.  "I can already tell that you're high, and we made an agreement.  You broke your promise."

a little of ch22 revised-ish

Later that night, I scrolled through my emails as I laid curled up on the bed with my newest roommate: an orange, black, and white feline I'd adopted from the shelter named Crackers.  Even though I generally didn't worry about problems at my clinic job, my heart stopped for a minute when I scanned over an email threatening to have my pay docked for overdue paperwork.

future violet/toby

[[after the weed fiasco}}
(old version: https://violetesperanza.livejournal.com/9165.html)

Seeing Molly in her depressed state was bringing me down, and since Vic wasn't able to animate her, I knew there would only be one way out of it.  That's why I contacted Toby's sister on instagram and asked for her to let me in. 

To be honest, I was kind of surprised to see my normally well-put-together friend with disheveled hair and a messy room.  He sat at his desk playing a game on his laptop, barely acknowledging that I entered the room.  

"Bro, what the fuck, isn't there something more productive you could be doing?"

"The last person I need a lecture from is you," he said flatly, still focused on the game.

"I was just kidding, jeez.  What's your deal anyway?"

Toby flashed me a glare.  "You know what my deal is, Violeta."

"Bro, you have to let the Molly stuff go.  She's suffering for real.  Like, she can't deal with you being this pissed at her."

"She should've thought about that before forging a prescription."

"But how long is this going to continue?  She's really sorry.  Gabe already beat her ass.  Hasn't she been punished enough?"

Fixated on the computer screen, Toby either didn't hear me or didn't bother to answer (probably the latter).  I wasn't sure how to get through to him.. for a shrink he could really be terrible with emotions sometimes.  But since Toby and Molly had helped me so much, it was time to return the favor.

Molly's Timeline continued

2008 — 

It took months for me to muster up the courage to search for a disciplinarian, still kind of afraid after my abusive relationship in high school.  I signed up for a spanko "personals" site shortly before my 18th birthday, mostly uninterested in the people who messaged me because fantasy is much better than reality.  

When I stumbled upon Gabe's profile, I felt an instant connection.  I can't remember word-for-word what his bio said, but there was a line about loyalty and having high expectations for his spankees... and also wanted an actual friend, not just an every-so-often thing.  He was the perfect age — 8 years older than me — so it seemed like he had his shit together and could guide me to being more awesome than I already was (jk, I really thought I was a piece of shit back then).  

I initiated a conversation and everything escalated from there.

When we met in person a couple of months later, it felt too good to be true.  Like my brain was playing tricks on me.  Could someone of his wealth and attractiveness really want to have anything to do with me?  

2009 — 

ch21 spanking scene

My body quivered as I gave a weak nod, knowing that Izaak was a man true to his word.  I stayed latched onto him for a few more seconds until the pit in my stomach motivated me to slide off his lap.  Head down, I shuffled to fetch the plastic paddle hairbrush from the bathroom drawer.

When I came back, Izaak lips curved slightly up in satisfaction.  

Just tell him, rang Sage’s voice in my mind as I handed him the brush.

He will hate you if you do, said another voice, whose tone sounded more like my mom.  

Ouch.  Why did Toby have to force that box open earlier?

“You have done very well with not smoking, I’m proud of you for the progress you’ve made.  Get back on track with it.  Talk to Molly if you need.  She has helped me with a lot and will help you, too, if you ask.”

“What if I tell her instead of Gabe about... you know?...”

Izaak’s brows furrowed, and I gave a genuinely pathetic look.  “I’d rather you communicate with someone from your office, but I trust Molly.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.  At least I could make my friend swear to secrecy.  One less problem to worry about.

“I will give her the heads up tomorrow that you’ll set up a time to chat privately.”

Part of me wanted to argue that I didn’t need him making therapy appointments for me, but I caught a glimpse of the hairbrush and decided instead to tell him about the conversation with Violet about staying over the weekend.  “I’ll just talk to Molly then.”

molly's timeline

2008 — 

It took months for me to muster up the courage to search for a disciplinarian, still kind of afraid after my abusive relationship in high school.  I signed up for a spanko "personals" site shortly before my 18th birthday, mostly uninterested in the people who messaged me because fantasy is much better than reality.  

When I stumbled upon Gabe's profile, I felt an instant connection.  I can't remember word-for-word what his bio said, but there was a line about loyalty and having high expectations for his spankees... and also wanted an actual friend, not just an every-so-often thing.  He was the perfect age — 8 years older than me — so it seemed like he had his shit together and could guide me to being more awesome than I already was (jk, I really thought I was a piece of shit back then).  

I initiated a conversation and everything escalated from there.

When we met in person a couple of months later, it felt too good to be true.  Like my brain was playing tricks on me.  Could someone of his wealth and attractiveness really want to have anything to do with me?  

2009 — 

ch28ish

Having Violet over for the weekend was fun, but I was thankful when Izaak made her go with him to running group and the flag football game.  My anxiety was so overwhelming and wouldn't go away until I fixed all of the info on the memory card, which I couldn't do with her there. 

I couldn't keep focused on it, though.  My mind kept wandering to my spanko family.

Izaak and I hadn't discussed our intimate night since it happened.  Not that we'd had much time, but there was a weird vibe in the air.  It'd felt like we connected so deeply that night, and now it was like nothing had even happened.  In fact, maybe there was even more distance.

Did he only do it to sneak through my stuff?  Nothing had seemed out of place, but his elephant memory would have him putting everything back in its exact spot.

Or maybe I did something wrong?

He seemed to be more into Violet, appreciating her hyperactivity and endless excuses to spank her.  If I were brattier, would he like me more?

Looking back down at the slutty conversations with Winters I wanted to gag.  A slutty conversation with Izaak would be much better.

A text message from Toby interrupted my reading.  I have a surprise for you.  Meet at 3pm?

I smiled and agreed, wondering what it could be.  And why would Toby have a surprise?

random snippets cuz so 😴 💚

“Bro, c’mon, you won’t get high just sittin’ in here with us.”  Violet playfully tugged on Izaak’s sleeve, trying to get him to join our circle.  When he just gave her that irritated glare, she finally rolled her eyes and let go.  “You’re so lame.  Even Gabe is getting the stick out of his ass for once.”  Then plopped down between Toby and me, which oddly felt like she was putting on some kind of show for Izaak.  

“Watch that sass or I’ll prohibit you from smoking,” Gabe warned in that half-playful, half-serious tone I could never read.

Violet’s mouth dropped.  “You wouldn’t do that.”

“Test me and see what happens.”

“Guysssss,” Molly said, a little drunk.  She was standing next to Gabe, giggling with excitement.  “Only positivity in the circle.”

Violet scoffed and rolled her eyes, shaking her head at Molly as she and Gabe sat to join us in the circle, leaving me next to my boss.  Ugh, it made me so annoyed that Violet had squeezed between Toby and me.

I glanced at the doctor, admiring the way his thin fingers rolled the brown paper into a cylinder.  When he went to lick it together, our eyes connected for a moment and I felt his smile, sending a few tingles to my chest.  

“Yo I bet the shit they had in Cali was bomb, right Vic?”

x-x-x-x

“I’m no longer Vanessa’s mentor.”

“Whaaaaaaaat fuckin’ finally, bro.  I’m proud of you.”

Toby’s body shook with laughter.  “I don’t need your pride, bitch.”

Violet wanted to make a comeback, but instead got lost in her own laughter.

ch 22b insert (molly)

"Ouch, that's brutal.  I guess it makes sense he didn't want to open up for another girl.  But at least fuck?"

Chloe sucked in a deep breath, wondering how to respond.  "I dunno.  You'll have to ask him."

Violet glanced at me, but I shrugged, still curled up on my side, snuggling with my teddy, eyes glazed over.  "The guilt must be eatin' you alive... smoking after that talk with Gabe."

I barely glanced up at her, poking out my lower lip.  "Why'd you have to remind me," then pulled the blanket over my head.

"Yo, why didn't you get with Gabe instead of Adam's punk ass.  I'm ready to punch him in the throat for bailin' on you all the time."

I poked my head out of my blanket.  "As if Gabe would ever want to be with someone like me."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Instead of responding, I shook my head and went back under my blanket.

"He would totally be your knight in shining armor.  Rescue you from the dragon and the evil stepmother or whatever."

"Oh my god, shut up.  Gabe would do that for anyone he's friends with."

"Yeah, but you're special."  She made kissing noises until I pushed the blankets off me and threw a pillow at her, which completely missed and knocked over her drink instead.  Ah well, that probably inflicted the most damage because she had to clean up the mess hehe.

She took the hint after that and instead told Chloe dramatized stories from the old days... crazy nights at Dominic's with Andy, Gabe rescuing us, the retribution that followed.  

chloe spanking scene

[[[if you'd rather just read the whole chapter put together, but unedited so not that great yet, here's the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17R7r4JIbuBzxOWPlPYYPCibHzWiAoNY6aHOKU9lSJD0/edit?usp=sharing.  i'll def have to make this scene hotter when it's the right time of month 😂 ]]]]

My lower lip quivered as I gave a weak nod, knowing that Izaak was a man true to his word so there was no use arguing.  Anyway, I felt a little more submissive than normal, and guilty from sorta-lying about Winters.  So he didn't even have to ask, I just automatically slid off the couch, shuffling to **wherever the hairbrush is kept 🤔 ** with my head down.

When I came back, Izaak looked pleased.  

Just tell him, said Sage's voice in my head.

He will hate you if you do, said the other voice, which sounded more like my mom.  Ouch.  Why did Toby have to open that door earlier?

"You have done very well with not smoking, I'm proud of you for the progress you've made.  Don't slip back into bad habits.  Talk to Molly if you need help about what to do.  She has helped me with a lot, and I know she will help you, too, if you ask."

"What if I talk to her instead of Gabe about... you know..."

Izaak's brows furrowed and I gave my genuine pathetic look — I didn't even have to fake it anymore.  "I'd rather you talk to someone at your work, but I trust Molly."

I breathed a sigh of relief.  At least I could probably make Molly swear to secrecy.

"I'll tell her tomorrow that you'll set up a time to talk in private."

That made me blush.  I didn't need him making therapy appointments for me!  But instead of staying that, I told him about the conversation I'd had with Violet earlier in the day about staying over the weekend.  "I'll just talk to her then."

Izaak insisted, though, knowing that I'd probably chicken out and not actually mention it.  Sigh.  That's what I signed up for though.

I chewed on my lower lip as Izaak tugged down my pajama pants then helped me over his lap.  His thighs weren't as tense as usual and he didn't seem as confident.  It was more of a "resolved" feeling... like he had to do this.  Classic "this hurts me more than it hurts you."  He didn't want to, but was a rule follower, no exceptions.  

Reasons I can't tell him about Winters.

"How many swats have you earned?" he asked as my panties were slipped down to my knees.

"160," I muttered.  

He still felt sorry for me because he didn't force me to speak more clearly.  "Give me your hand."

Squirming over his lap, I finally stuck my right hand back, actually feeling kind of comforted when I felt his fingers wrap around mine.  

The first smack caught me by surprise because he basically skipped the lecture, but it didn't really hurt much at all, just made a loud POP! that echoed through the room and made me flinch.  The second came down almost immediately after, equally mild, and continued at the same intensity for a while.  It actually felt kind of... good.

I'd long lost count when he brought the brush down a little harder, though I was warmed up enough that I didn't notice much difference in the sting.  To sorta play along I let out a whimper, but it still didn't really hurt, just felt kinda awkward.  

I'm pretty sure he didn't give me the full 160, but I wasn't counting so who knows.  He almost immediately replaced my panties and pjs, then lifted me to sit on his lap.  I could feel the sting in my bottom as he wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me against his chest.  It was the safest I'd felt all week.

more chloe thoughts for ch21

"Chloe, have you been smoking again?"

I blushed, sinking into my seat and pulling my knees to my chest.  "W-wha... Why are you asking me that?"

"I can smell it.  Has Violet been badly influencing you?" 

"No..."  My voice was almost inaudible, so I cleared my throat and sat up, trying to appear remorseful.  "I'm sorry." 

Izaak didn’t break his intense stare.  "You don’t need to slip back into bad habits.  Where are your cigarettes?"

My eyes watered and I pouted, finally caving to his stern look. Reaching inside my bag, I grabbed the pack of Marlboro and handed it over.

Izaak peeked inside the box.  "You've smoked 13.  Is that all?"

I squirmed, avoiding eye contact until Izaak commanded me to respond.  "I had a few more that I got from other people..."

He sighed and shook his head, looking away finally.  "Is this why you were sick?  Because you started smoking again?"

"No..."

"What's going on, kiddo?  What do you need to tell me?"  All defenses were down as he lifted my chin so I could see his genuine eyes.  

My gut told me that he knew everything already and was waiting for my confession.  Or maybe it was my anxiety.  "It's work," I began, chewing on my fingernail.  Maybe it was time to just tell him.  "One of the clients... he..."

His stupid phone started vibrating, cutting me off (like always!).  The sound gave me a flashback to childhood... my parents fighting, Dad's phone vibrating so forcefully I'd thought it would wiggle off the table.