molly flashback

2009

"You're late," Gabe bellowed when he swung open the door.

I was already in tears, but his narrowed eyebrows brought on another sob and I covered my face with trembling fingers.  "I'm s-sorr-ryyyy."  Words were hard to get out, interrupted by my sniffles and hiccups.

"Those tears won't work on me this time, Young Lady.  Get in here."  His tone was only slightly raised, but sharp and commanding.  

I wiped my tears as I shuffled inside his apartment, but they still steadily streamed down my face.  "I-I'm s-s-sorry-y...."  My body ached, shoulders tense from all the adderall, lungs exhausted from smoking too much.

The door slammed shut, causing me to jump, but soon my anxiety was soothed as I felt the pressure from Gabe's hand against my back, nudging me forward.  I stood there for a moment fixated on the warmth of his touch, then allowed him to lead me to the living room.

"You better have a good explanation for arriving 3 hours and 23 minutes late to our scheduled appointment."

I stood in the middle of the room, still crying, now chewing on my fingernail as Gabe towered over me, arms folded.  My eyes stayed staring at the floor, fidgeting as I wondered what to say.   Words wouldn't form right, so tears came out instead.

Gabe sighed and I could feel his annoyance with my lack of response, on top of all the anger he already felt at me being so late.  "I can already tell that you're high, and we made an agreement.  You broke your promise."

Another sob and I did something that Gabe hadn't expected — I reached out and latched onto him in a hug.  He wasn't a huggy person, so his body was rigid at first, but I latched on tight, squeezing onto him as if begging him not to leave.  My face pressed against his chest, tears soaking his thin white undershirt.  Finally, his body softened a little and he patted my back like I was a little baby.  I got lost in the springy after-smell of his soap and the hypnotic rhythm of his attempts to soothe me until my tears had stopped long enough to speak.

"I'm sorry..."

"So you've said."

"School is so stressful.  I can't do this.  NYU was right to reject me, I'm so stupid I can't even fucking pass community college.  I should just drop out."

Gabe pulled me away from my comfortable spot and made me look him in the eyes.  "Break that habit of doubting yourself.  You are not a quitter and you will not drop out, am I clear?"

"It's too hard and I can't keep up because I'm too undisciplined and everyone's too busy to help me and that's fine because I know I should be able to do it on my own but I can't and I just feel so alone and overwhelmed."  I started crying again and he released my chin so that I could bury my face back into his chest.  "What was I thinking moving to New York?  I'll never make it."

"Are you finished?" he asked, and the annoyance in his tone made a few more tears slide down my cheeks as I nodded.  "I'm not interested in your excuses.  The topic of discussion is your failure to arrive on time and sober."

"I'm s--"

"I'm not finished," he snapped, and I buried my face further into his chest.  "If you treat school like you've treated our appointments, it's no wonder you aren't doing well.   How am I supposed to help you if you're not taking it seriously?  I can't do the work for you."

His words made my tummy twist into triple knots, ashamed at all I'd done lately, and I squeezed a few more tears out, wondering if I could speak now.  A few more seconds of silence and Gabe pulled me away from him.  I dared peek at him, frightened at his scowl, which set me off again into tears.  "Do you hate me?"

"Molly, I'm frustrated with your behavior, and honestly, I'm a little worried about the drugs."  

Now I felt it a little easier to face him, wiping my eyes again and sniffling.  A heavy pit formed in my tummy, but also I felt a warmth wash over my body.  I hung my head.  "I didn't mean to upset you."

"Are you sure?"

I glanced up for a second.  "What do you mean?"

"Were you testing me?"

My natural response was of course not!  But before saying it outloud, I questioned that thought.  My mind went back to my poor decisions of the day and... the striking realization made my face turn bright red.  "I... um... maybe."  I bit my lower lip and turned away, too scared to see his response.

But he reached for my chin and forced me to look at him.  He wasn't mad, but like... frustrated and worried I guess.  "When you test me on serious rules, you will regret it."

I gulped.  "What are the serious rules?"

"Don't fuck up anybody's career, especially your own.  Don't put yourself in danger, which includes abusing drugs.  Have you been using anything besides weed?"

"You know in my psych class we were learning that it's actually better to make rules positive, like instead of 'don't do it' you should find something to strive towards.  Like, 'do.....' whatever it is.  You just gotta get creative sometimes..."  I trailed off, noticing his humorless expression.

"Do answer my question."

Oof... my tummy.  "Yes," I said, back into pouty almost-crying mode.

"Let's hear it."

"I don't wanna...."  My lower lip quivered as I thought about the punishment I was about to receive.

"Corner, now!"

My slight whine was met with an angry face 😡 and so I decided to obey.

"You can lose those pants and panties.  You won't be needing them anytime soon."

That's what cued the tears again, though these were more silent.  The pit of dread grew in my stomach as I unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans, looking over my shoulder at him with pleading eyes before pushing them and my panties down.  I stepped out of them and kicked them to the side, hyperaware that Gabe was watching my every move.  My heart sped up as I went for the corner, waiting for the reprimand...

"Fold them neatly and put them on the sofa.  Don't be lazy, that's what has gotten you into this mess."

I blushed, reaching for my clothes and doing as told, then returned to the corner.  My throat was dry, heart still racing.  

"Hands on your head."  I could hear his footsteps getting closer.  "What did you tell me you were looking for when we first met."

"I don't know..."

A hearty swat landed on my bottom, taking me slightly by surprise.  "That is not a sufficient answer, young lady, and you know it."

With a sad face, I looked back at him and remembered aloud.  "I was looking for someone who actually cares about me and not just looking to beat my ass."

"And how did I respond?"

"That you don't let yourself care about many people, so if you let me in, we're family."

Gabe didn't respond for a moment, letting me sit in my guilt (before making it worse).  He leaned over me, prompting me to look him in the eyes.  "We're family now, which means that we take care of each other.  Don't ever test when it comes to your well-being, am I clear?"

"Yes, Sir."