2008 —
It took months for me to muster up the courage to search for a disciplinarian, still kind of afraid after my abusive relationship in high school. I signed up for a spanko "personals" site shortly before my 18th birthday, mostly uninterested in the people who messaged me because fantasy is much better than reality.
When I stumbled upon Gabe's profile, I felt an instant connection. I can't remember word-for-word what his bio said, but there was a line about loyalty and having high expectations for his spankees... and also wanted an actual friend, not just an every-so-often thing. He was the perfect age — 8 years older than me — so it seemed like he had his shit together and could guide me to being more awesome than I already was (jk, I really thought I was a piece of shit back then).
I initiated a conversation and everything escalated from there.
When we met in person a couple of months later, it felt too good to be true. Like my brain was playing tricks on me. Could someone of his wealth and attractiveness really want to have anything to do with me?
2009 —
Gabe was my official spanker since basically the first time I went to his apartment. He bossed me around and made decisions for me, mostly because that's what I wanted him to do. We were both so busy with work/school, though, and I required more attention than he was able to provide. He didn't mind if I met with other spankos, especially since this was when I started getting a lot of attention from my blog.
It felt weird to meet other guys, and none of them were as good as Gabe (on so many levels). Embarrassingly enough, I wanted attention from him so badly that I started doing really stupid shit. This was when I started smoking weed. I failed a few classes because I stopped going. My life was focused on partying.
We scheduled monthly check-ins to keep in touch. The partying got so bad that one month I showed up a few hours late after smoking way too much. He entertained me a little, but put me to bed, and the next morning gave me the spanking of my life (at the time anyway) and some much-needed aftercare. And my partying decreased for a couple of days, until the routine set in again. There was no way I could motivate myself to deal with school when I could just smoke weed all day. The next time I showed up hours late and high to his apartment, I thought he would put me back out on the streets. But that night I actually felt kind of guilty about my behavior, and Gabe took me in with open arms. It didn't save me from the harsh punishment after. And that's when he set the rule that I could not be high around him under any circumstances. He even made me sign a stupid contract (which I blushed while signing).
2010 —
Violet messaged me through my blog and we became friends. She told me that she was only 17, but I didn't think anything of it since I'd been similar. We hung out a lot and enabled each other's partying. I carried on with my monthly meetings with Gabe.
Violet and I were an unlikely pair. I was so fascinated by her life of drugs and gangsters — I'd never had a friend like her. She was also loyal as fuck, and we were family almost immediately. I went to her small apartment during the holidays, sitting around a fold out table with all of her family, squeezed between her and Vic.
Vic treated me like the sister he wished he'd had (at some point I had to make him stop telling Violet to be more like me). We bonded over so much... music, creativity, being annoyingly optimistic, sense of humor, etc. I told Vic about my blog and he asked a million questions about spanking, wanting to understand me (and ignoring the fact that it's how Violet and I connected). It amazed me how non-judgmental he was about it. We had a lot of deep chats about sexuality and I began to understand spanking as my orientation, much like Vic's gayness.
I developed the belief that I can only be in a relationship with a spanko.
2011 —
Toby messaged me through my blog. He identified as a switch and was super hippie, totally the kind of friend I wanted in my life. Not necessarily spanker material in my opinion. Since he was on his hippie binge, he wasn't into punishment spankings for spankos, claiming it would enable bad behavior. His logic made sense, but I always argued anyway. Without the disciplinary aspect, it just wasn't the same for me.
Violet moved in with Gabe for a short time. We kind of chilled out on the partying since she was kept on a tight leash.
I still had my monthly meetings with Gabe.
2012 —
Gabe found out that Violet was only 17 when she moved in with him. Another awful punishment — he made me strip fully, knowing that was my limit. I wouldn't question him... by this point I trusted Gabe with my life. He'd been the only constant in my adult life. And I agreed that I deserved an extreme punishment.
He prohibited me from continuing to associate with Violet, which ended up putting a strain on our relationship, because I was so lonely again. Because he was still busy. And if I didn't have Violet, I didn't have Vic either.
When Violet was arrested, I did everything in my power to help her. Gabe and I got into a big argument because I was mad he made me stop talking to her. I blamed myself for her arrest... I could've helped her figure out a better way to handle Andy. And Gabe must've felt at least a little guilty, because he paid for Vic to get an immigration lawyer and footed the bill for Toby to get his company involved in Violet's case.
When Violet got out of jail and I wanted to get back in touch with her, but didn't want to face the anger she'd have towards me. I knew the excuse that Gabe wouldn't let me talk to her wasn't good enough. She had every right to be mad. So I just avoided it.
That fall I started grad school.
As always, Gabe kept our monthly meetings, but something just felt off. Plus he was dating a vanilla woman, which made me think of myself as a little better than him. Weird, right?
2013 —
As Gabe's relationship became more serious, walls were built between us. He seemed okay with it. I tried to remind myself that I didn't have a chance with someone like Gabe anyway, so it was time to cut the attachments and jump ship.
Violet contacted me and we started hanging out again, with Vic, too. Just in time for me to have to abruptly get kicked out of my apartment for rent being overdue too many times. The siblings came over as soon as I called and helped me move everything to their tiny apartment. Vic wouldn't listen to my promises to not overstay my welcome, insisting that I would stay as long as I needed or wanted. Oh, also, we got married.
I stopped meeting with Gabe, now spending more time with Violet and Toby. He tried to take care of us both, but during the summer we got a little too wild. To be fair, he was stressed with his own shit — he was working and schooling full time, and not being the healthiest version of himself. There was no way he'd be able to tolerate Violet's brattiness and my nonchalant attitude.
The first time we did drugs that summer, Toby punished us and he meant it. Like... he thought it was warranted and did his best guilt tripping and had us both crying and sorry. (Hindsight, he was probably giving us the lecture he needed to give himself). But then he loosened the reigns, unpredictable schedule making it hard to find time to hang out. Violet and I were too young and curious to stay away from her party lifestyle.
The second time, Toby was nowhere in sight, leaving us feeling neglected. So we just kept doing it again and again, classic "me"... looking for attention. Probably classic Violet, too. Toby didn't even find out until Vic came back from Mexico and saw what a disaster we'd made of ourselves. Vic had been visiting his ill father, so was really pathetic when he got back home, and I wanted to take care of him. That's when I realized we had to stop.
But I couldn't do it alone... so I called Toby. Bad timing. He got snappy with me and so I pretended like I didn't care anyway, that we were going out again that night to do more. His response was not what I'd expected, and I hadn't even realized I was expecting something until he said it. "Good luck." With the period and everything. How the hell am I supposed to respond to that?
It sent me into a spiral and somehow I ended up at Gabe's apartment. His vanilla girlfriend was there, but he invited me in anyway, introducing me as his friend. Entertaining small talk with them was the hardest thing ever. All I wanted to do was talk to Gabe about what'd happened with Toby.
I left Gabe's apartment feeling shitty, deciding not to fight my self destructive urges any longer. Instead of going home, I texted Violet to go out for another crazy night, and of course she obliged. I'm not sure how we even made it home after.
Violet still chatted with Toby, even after I told her what happened, but eventually he told her that he couldn't be her spanker anymore, that they were better as friends. She raged for a few days after that, which just made me feel shittier because it felt like my fault. And then even shittier because Violet felt bad for making me think it was my fault. Sigh.
Violet was quick to get back into the scene, meeting people within the first week of "breaking up" (or whatever) with Toby. She made me meet Izaak, which I was grateful for when fall semester started. I wouldn't have survived those months without him.
2014 —
Izaak was a great disciplinarian, but I could tell we would never progress to a romantic relationship. Any chemistry we had was purely platonic, I guess because our spanko interests didn't align right. And if I want to be shallow, he just wasn't old enough.
I met Adam through a spanko personals site, feeling a similar attraction as I had with Gabe. He disclosed to me that he was in an unhappy marriage and had an unspoken agreement that divorce was inevitable. He spent most of his time in the city while the wife and kids lived in CT. Not looking for anything too serious yet, but wanted someone to take care of during the week.
I went into it without expectations, and he blew me away. The chemistry was off the charts, and our spanko compatibility was 100%. I hadn't known someone like him could exist. And it only got better the longer we knew each other. The only problem was that he was living a double life, and I was the mistress.
After graduating with my master's, I had to get rid of Adam. I was too obsessed with him, spending weekends checking my phone for his messages while yelling at myself for messing with a married man. It was time to start fresh — I'm a real adult now. I told him he could contact me after his divorce if he was still interested.
Well, maybe not such a real adult, because that summer I worked at a wildernness adventure camp for under privileged teens. It was awesome and I met so many people, even received an invite from an Irish friend to work at a camp in Ireland with her next summer.
That fall I took a temporary job as a case manager in a school near Violet's old neighborhood. It was the best salary I'd ever had, and with a disciplinarian like Izaak, I had a healthy stash in savings. He also rescued me from reckless adventures of trying to save kids who live in dangerous neighborhoods.
2015 —
Vic and I officially got an apartment together, both on the lease, a two bedroom this time. Violet and I shared a room because I only stayed working at the school until March, then flew to Europe. I travelled around a little, finally settling for a summer in Ireland. When I came back to NYC in August, Violet was ready to move in with Jason.
I was re-hired at the school for a full time permanent position now, so got even more passionate about my role.
Toby and Vic had gotten closer while I was away, so Toby was at our apartment a lot. Izaak came over frequently, too, because he and Toby were also close (and collaborated at work sometimes, too).
2016 —
Izaak went back to Holland for a few weeks after his aunt was in a serious accident and required a life-threatening surgery. While he was gone, I got off my healthy routine and fell back into a depression. I couldn't keep up with work, prioritizing interactions over paperwork. At some point I was calling out so frequently that my boss called me out.
Vic knew what was going on because I told him everything. He's the one who blabbed to Toby, who wouldn't help me unless I wanted it. Toby wasn't able to prevent me from getting sorta-fired, but afterwards he helped me pick myself back up, because I could've easily spiraled deeper.
The desperation for a job mixed with Toby's cheerleading is what convinced me to apply for clinic jobs as a therapist. I didn't feel prepared, so took the first job I could get, determined to figure it out as I go.
When Izaak returned, he was in good spirits, but I could tell he was triggered and spanking was the farthest thing from his mind.
2017 —
As I busied myself with learning for my new job, spanking also drifted from my mind. We were all too busy and had mismatched schedules. Vic started traveling for work. Izaak was up for a big promotion. Toby built up his private practice.
Then Gabe contacted me. He and his vanilla girlfriend had broken up (of course I had to pry it out of him) and he wasn't interested in talking about it. But wanted to apologize for losing touch, even though I'm pretty sure I'm the one who made the conscious decision to stop talking to him.
We re-established our monthly meetings, without spanking because, again, not much in the mood. It was nice and familiar to have him consistently in my life again.
I jokingly said that I should make him sign a contract that we would meet monthly for the next hundred years, similar to my contract about not using drugs. But he took it seriously and actually wrote and signed it for me.
2018 —
After learning about his divorce, I got back together with Adam.
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