Violet in Mexico

(this was more brainstorming than anything, so doesn't make much sense)

“Next… violet?”

I glanced up at the psychologist Toby had recommended — a Harvard graduate who provided ayahuasca ceremonies for rich white people in Mexico — then back down where I’d written out my hopes for this weekend retreat.

“My intention is to learn about the root of my anger problems. I want to be guided towards resolution and find peace.”

I turned to izaak, who had expected me to say more, given I’d written a full page of thoughts. But it’s because I didn’t want to say the spanko thoughts out loud. Or the thoughts I was having about him. And besides, the doc said we only needed to share whatever we felt comfy with.

Seeing that I wasn’t going to continue, izaak decided to read his notes (really bullet points). There was a slight quiver of nervousness as he spoke. “To understand my purpose, have more clarity about the future — my career, my family, friends. I feel numb to many of life’s pleasures in an attempt to bury past traumas. It’s uncomfortable to seek support, but now I’ve hit a low at a time in my life where I have people who care. Maybe it’s time to confront my past… not only what others have done to me, but what I have done to others, and what I have done to myself.”

x-x-x-x

I’m just laying there when I start to feel sick. My tummy gurgling, wondering why I drank that nasty tea. I tried to remind myself that it’s okay, just let it happen. I noticed the thoughts then hugged the bucket, hiding my face to vomit out the badness. As I hurled, I heard layers of noise. Crickets and other forest creatures. Other participants puking. Shamans chanting. Light drumming. Such a contrast from typical nyc sounds. My body finally eased into the environment, the last of my stomach contents finally out of me.

I stretched out on my side, feeling a little dizzy. Eyes closed, i felt the vibrations from the shaman chanting. The vibrations turned into my spirit guide, which is the only way I know how to describe it even though I don’t know that it encompasses my full experience. Love flowed through my being, so vibrant and joyous that I couldn’t stop the tears.

Suddenly my body turned cold, all the loving warmth concentrated in my heart, my legs tingling. I noticed the feeling of being a small child… a baby even. Immediately I recognized the apartment, though I wasn’t sure where it was. I was in my mothers arms but she looked cold, detached, angry. I didn’t know what I did wrong. I was crying and she was trying to shush me.

The warmth came back as I felt myself detaching from the scene, now noticing it as if I was floating above. My mom looked so young… and I, unrecognizable. She picked up a phone and shouted at someone. Chills covered my body. Someone knocked on the door and suddenly the scene changed… now I was alone with strangers, crying, wondering why my parents had abandoned me.