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"Yo... no way!" Violet said after I finally spilled the beans.

"You really didn't know?  I assumed you would be eavesdropping on all of Izaak's conversations."

"Nah sis, 99% of his convos are boring as fuck, I stopped listening a long time ago. And anyway, he has this thing about privacy and the first week we were in Egypt he taught me all about boundaries."  She winced, undoubtedly remembering the spankings she'd gotten.  "But what are you gonna do?  What did Gabe say?  Does Vic know?"

"I dunno," I said, a blanket response to all three questions.  I wanted to turn the convo back to Violet, find out more about this week of learning about boundaries, but remembered Izaak's strong encouragement to let her help me.  "I'm really scared..."  I broke off, continuing to fight the urge to change the subject.  Why was this so hard?  

"That you won't find another job?"

"Not exactly..." I began, thinking about it for a moment.  "Like Toby said he wouldn't give me a bad recommendation or anything... but he isn't sure I should keep doing therapy at all..." Normally she would've interrupted with a question or comment, but now she just sat there quietly, resisting any urges to inject her two cents.  "And maybe he's right... because he usually is... but then what else am I going to do with my life?  I've spent a lot of time and energy on this career..."

"Bro, you should be a shaman.  You'd be brilliant at it.  But you gotta do your on psychedelic trip first... we need to get you to one of those ceremonies... you'd love it so much."

"What was it like?"

"It took me back in time.  Did Izaak tell you about his experience?  Holy shit it was intense as fuck.  Mine wasn't so dramatic... but I felt this like amazing... I dunno... 'love' sounds corny but there's no other word to describe.  And I took the love with me to childhood, gave some of it to my little self who felt abandoned.  I just kinda saw my life from this different perspective... like a movie almost... and felt bad for myself.  All those years people kept telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself but honestly the night I did ayahuasca I realized I'd been given the wrong advice."

I soaked in Violet's words, but also the energy she emitted as she spoke... her vibe.  It was familiar... I'd seen this side of her before, usually underneath layers of shame and anger.  Now some of it had been shed and she had less weight to carry.  I envied her.

"What would your intention be if you went on a retreat?"

"I'd just want to know why I can't ever be happy," I said, dissolving into tears again.  Jeez, so emotional.  And embarrassing to break down in front of Violet, since I'm supposed to be the strong one who takes care of her and everybody else.  But Izaak had already broken down whatever wall had been protecting me from these feelings.

She sat (virtually) with me while I cried, silent in thought until I had calmed down enough to hear her.  "You think it's about your dad?"

Aaaaaand... more tears.  But I nodded, trying to talk anyway through the sobs.  "He was an addict.  Drank himself to... death... literally."  I covered my face and just let myself get all the pain out, idly wondering if Gabe could hear me from the next room.  Hopefully he was too busy working.  "He... didn't care enough... to try to quit... and I'm... just like him..."

Yikes... I hadn't even known that thought was in there until it wasn't.  I had to take a minute to blow my nose, then I kept crying, finally blowing my nose again.  Then I looked back up at Violet to apologize, and noticed her trying to mask her own tears.  It was empathy, not pity.  For some reason that surprised me.  Toby would've had a field day watching this conversation between us.

"You're not gonna let it kill you because we won't allow it.  I'll come home myself and beat your ass if I have to," she half-teased, though it sent a shiver down my spine to wonder if she'd actually do that.  Most embarrassing thing ever.  

"I already got a lecture from Izaak," I whined, and she allowed it.

"Yo, you didn't tell me what the fuck Gabe said??  I'm surprised he didn't lose his shit on you.  But I guess I'm not cuz you've always been his favorite."

I blushed, unable to argue that point.  Then I glanced around the room to make sure Gabe wasn't close by, and leaned in.  In an almost-whisper, I said, "It's too easy to make him feel sorry for me.  I know his weaknesses..."

"Ha!"  Violet almost died laughing.  "Of course you did.  Why doesn't he call you out like Toby?  And why ain't Toby more involved??  Are you being difficult?"

"Yeah... Toby gives up too easily.  And Gabe is just well aware of how powerful his words can be, so is always careful with me."