feelings

just rethinking this chapter and adding in the feels... gabe is so hott 🥵 

I listened again to the recording as I sat on the train, playing the same 2 minute clip where Clo talked about her grandmother on repeat.  If she's a con-artist, she could turn on the waterworks easily, but those tears felt genuine.  It also poked at something inside of me...

If I could've been a con artist to make enough money to get my dad proper treatment so he wouldn't have died so soon... fuck the government and the law, I would've done it. [[[[remembering injustice of her parents — this is what she's actually going to have to resolve at some point i guess]]]]

And revenge.  Another thing I understand.  To be honest, I didn't think innocent little Clo had it in her to do something like this out of revenge.

But Winters shouldn't pay for a crime he didn’t commit.  Sure he was creepy as fuck, but 17 is on the verge of consent, and Clo wasn't even actually 17.  He didn't actually do anything wrong... Or did he? [[[[some part of her knows that winters did something wrong, but it doesn't justify chloe getting totally off the hook]]]]

I was lost in curious thoughts when I got home, but as soon as I pushed open the door, the negative energy hit me.  I barely flipped on the light when my gaze landed on the immobile, seething figure, sitting up straight.  "Where the hell have you been?"  Gabe shot up from his seat and strode towards me.  [[[[mixture of emotions... surprised, excited, nervous, and kinda mad]]]]

"Bro, don't you know to give a warning instead of just sneaking up on me like this?  Gonna give me a fuckin' heartattack..."

"We had a meeting two hours ago!" he shouted, leaning in to intimidate me. [[[[there's always a playful undertone, but Gabe seemed legit kinda pissed, so feeling kinda confused]]]]

"My bad, I forgot...."

He gave a sarcastic laugh.  [[[[okay, here's his playful undertone]]]] "Forgot?  Bullshit.  You blatantly disobeyed my instructions."

I rolled my eyes to be met with a mild slap across the cheek.  [[[[wtf! i didn't deserve that... now starting to get a little angry for real]]]]. "Hey!  What was that for!"

"Whatever smartass comment you were about to make."  Then he popped me again in the same spot, slightly harder, grabbing my wrists when I went to swing back at him.  [[[mixture of angry and turned on.  gabe is so fucking hott in every way]]]] "And that's for the next one.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Did I throw 15 grand down the garbage believing that you're mature enough to work on this case?"

[[[[a little insulted, especially since i was just trying to get evidence.  now i don't wanna even tell him]]]] "Fuck off, I was actually out on a case lead and that's why I missed the meeting," I grunted between struggling to free from the grip he now had on both of my wrists.  [[[[[now starting to feel more fight-y, like i wanna punch him, and it's pissing me off how calm he's coming off and that he can win so easily.  ok, it's also hott.]]]]]

"Where were you?"  [[[[trying to think of an answer, but don't even have enough time]]]] When I didn't answer quickly enough, Gabe let go of one of my wrists to yank my earlobe, and growl into my ear:  "Did you forget or are you thinking up a lie?" [[[[okay now i really don't wanna tell him.  fuck off ugh jeez]]]]

"No!  Ow!!  Let go!" I shrieked, slapping at his fingers still clamped to my earlobe.  "I was just doing research!"

He shook his head in disbelief, and instead of releasing his grip, dragged me towards my room.  [[[[kinda excited again and now bratty af because he's not beating this out of me right now.  also remembering how much he perpetuates injustice sometimes, he doesn't care of the little guy gets locked away.  now i feel more determined to win this]]]]

"I told you before that Winters Corp is sketchy as fuck.  I have to do my own underground research on them... Ayyyy will you fuckin' let go already!"

We'd reached the bedroom and he shoved me inside, finally letting me go.  I got a good look at him for the first time — he'd brought a small duffle bag and was still dressed in work clothes, minus the jacket and tie, sleeves rolled up.  [[[[like kinda turned on and also kinda scared because what did i just get myself into 😅]]]]. Gabe dropped the duffle bag on the floor and snapped his fingers.  "Strip, now."  [[[[heart-stopping for a second and then defiant]]]]

I stomped my foot and started protesting, giving every reason in the book that I shouldn't have to comply.  Gabe didn't respond as I tantrumed, just fiddled with the zipper of his bag, forcing it open.  I continued yammering on and on even after he started unpacking.  [[[[getting more nervous]]]]. First he took out restraints, then opened the bag wider where I could see the wicked rubber paddle that he sat to the side.  That made me gulp a bit, speeding up my chatter as an attempt to convince him to not punish me.  But then I noticed something that left me stunned into silence:  ginger root.

[[[[[activated fight or (and) flight]]]]] "No way!" I finally said when I found my words again.  “That’s only supposed to be if I use again!”

Calmly, Gabe looked at me and said, "My instructions were to strip.  You have ten seconds before I start adding extra.....  Nine.... Eight...."

My eyes widened as I realized he wasn't kidding, and with half a second to spare, I had my clothes tossed to the side and stood naked in front of him.  "C'mon, there's no need to...."

"Enough!"  His abruptness made me shut up (and roll my eyes).  [[[now less turned on and more annoyed]]]]  "I've heard enough of your bullshit.  I didn't bring my gag so keep it up, and I'll have to find something else to shove in your mouth."  He grabbed my right wrist and enclosed it in the handcuff.

I huffed loudly, eyes narrowing at him.  [[[[[feeling indignant]]]]] "This isn't fair!  I didn't do anything wrong."

With a sigh and no other word to me, he stomped out of the room, then came back with a fresh bar of soap, ripping it out of the box that he tossed to the side.  Before I had the chance to protest, the ivory bar was shoved in my mouth until I bit down, much to my disapproval.  "Enough of your tantrums, Young Lady, unless you want me to repeat this humiliating scene tomorrow during our meeting."

My face flushed at the thought of being gagged and figged in front of all those people, but then came the rage about being treated like shit when I was trying to be loyal to Gabe.  I jerked the bar of soap out of my mouth, throwing it at him.  It ricocheted off his shoulder, smacked the side of his head, then plopped to the floor.  "Bro, fuck you!  I told you I was getting evidence!"

Gabe's eyes danced in flames.  His fists squeezed together in balls as he digested the scene.

The image replayed in my mind and I couldn't hold back my laughter, but he didn't think it was funny and slapped me across the cheek again, this time hard enough to make me stumble.  My reflexes had me swinging back at him, so he grabbed the wrist with the handcuff on it and effortlessly thrust me onto the bed.  It took me so off guard that I didn't have time to react when he already had the chain between the bedpost, and the other cuff wrapped around my left wrist, leaving me with only my legs to fight.

With this new feeling of helplessness came more anger (fucking Toby has me too aware of my moods now), so I kicked at him until he backed out of kicking distance to grab something from his bag.

With my fighting came a faint memory of Andy, reminding me that a month ago, I'd been dreaming about this moment with Gabe, which left a taste in my mouth more bitter than the soap.  I'd gotten exactly what I wanted.  And now was about to really fuck it all up... [[[[is it worth it to protect chloe and chance fucking up my job and relationship with gabe?]]]]

When he came back, [[[[no time to think about that right now... anger taking back over]]]] I was trying to stand up, still blabbing obscenities at him.  I was probably a silly sight, wrists bound above my head with my feet half on the floor, jerking to get free even though there's no way I'd break these cuffs.  "Let me fucking go!"

Gabe easily pushed me onto the bed butt first into a sitting position, which gave me the chance to glare up at him.  His jaw was locked in a frown, eyes narrowed at me.  It was the only thing I had time to see because he bent down and reached for my knees, tipping me over so I was lying on my back with my feet in the air.  He grabbed my thighs and pulled me forward, wrapping his left arm around my lower legs to inspect my bottom.  "You've built up a tolerance to the cane," he said, poking at a bruise on my sit spot which caused me to squirm and earned me a hearty smack on the thigh with the rubber paddle.  "Quit fighting. You're only making it harder on yourself."

"Oooowwwwwww!!!!  What the fuck!!!  Fuck that piece of shit implement."  It landed again, this time on my other thigh, causing all other sorts of colorful words to erupt from my mouth.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"  Another brutal blow against my left sit spot.  "That little tantrum with the soap will not happen again, Young Lady, do I make myself clear?"  He added two stingy licks.

"Fuck you, nothing's wrong!  I disagree with this stupid punishment!!  Let me go!"  I tried to kick again, heels banging on his back, hoping he'd let go but was kinda useless.  Instead I felt a few more swats on top of the remnants of yesterday's caning.  "I don't consent to this bullshit!!"

He paused. "You'd rather discuss this tomorrow as a group?"

"YES!"  I was confident that Toby and Molly would both agree that I didn't deserve this torture.  At the very least, Molly would be on my side, since she knows why I can't tell Gabe. [[[[well now i guess molly could set it straight with gabe]]]]

Another lash landed.  "No trying to sway Molly when she gets home from work," [[[[wtf??? well guess she'll just have to figure out how to proceed on her own, but she'll take my side]]]]] Gabe ordered, looking into my rolling eyes.  "I'm serious.  I'll make sure she knows if she does, there will be consequences for her tomorrow, too."

[[[[right now i don't like this man though]]]] "You're such a dick," I spat.

He smirked and swatted me a couple of more times.  "Tomorrow you'll see just how much of a dick I can be," he assured me as he released my legs.  Before unlocking my hands, he grabbed my chin to look at him.  There was a furrow between his eyebrows, lips firmly pressed together.  "Do NOT use this as an excuse to relapse, or I won't care if you consent, and that's a promise."

[[[yikes... he's serious.]]] I gulped, feeling a lurch in my tummy, suddenly feeling like my dinner was about to come up.  But I kept my poker face, nodding so he would let me go already.  He stared into my eyes for a moment longer, which for some reason made me feel more sick and squirmy.  He didn't say anything else, though, just unlocked me, gave me an air kiss to the cheek, and walked out.

Awkward and naked, I stood in the middle of the room, absorbed in my feelings.  It was too much, too overwhelming, and the racing thoughts made it worse. 

[[[[confused... did i make the right decision to not tell him right now?  fear... i know i didn't make the right decision... i should've told him.  anger... fuck him for barging in here like he owns the place, like he owns me.  horny... god he's so fucking hott acting like he owns me.  actually horny is probably the feeling that takes over the rest of the night...]]]]

x-x-x-x

When I arrived home from work, Molly's room was already half-full of guests — Chloe sitting across from her making small talk as Gabe stood to the side, typing something on his phone.  I strolled past them to Vic's room without a word, shaking a little as I changed clothes.  I'd held myself together so well all day... hell was about to break loose and I hadn't a clue how it'd end.  But with as much as I'd been through in the last few months, what's the worst that could happen?

The sound of the buzzer didn't interrupt the disaster fantasy that popped in my mind — everyone turning against me, ganging up and deciding I needed to pay Gabe back his money, not listening to my side of the story.  The thought made me shiver and put my guard back up.  Low expectations equals lower chance of getting disappointed.  Same old patterns.

I heard Izaak and Toby's voice from the front of the apartment and glanced at my phone.  It was almost time.

Deep breath.

x-x-x-x

Molly wore a big fake grin on her face, too perky for my sour mood.  "Great, we're all here.... anybody have updates since last week?"

"Yeah, Gabe turned into a total dick,” I sneered. [[[[kinda playful, kinda not]]]]

".... That's not an update..."

"You right... that ain't news.  I meant to say, he became more of a dick than usual."

"Wait... that's not what I..."

"I wanna make the motion that he get tortured for unfairly trying to punish me yesterday!" [[[[amped up, ready for the fight... ready to lose... also ready to win]]]]

"Unfair?  You've gotta be fucking kidding me... you ignored my direct order to meet, didn't answer my calls or messages..."

[[[[defensive]]]] "I answered your texts!"

"Ha!  One-word answers:  'busy' and 'later'... I'd hardly call that answering!"

Trying to regain control, Molly interjected.  "Guys... we're supposed to do check-ins first....." [[[[molly's realizing what's going on and she's kinda getting worried too... she doesn't like conflict]]]]

But I ignored her, too passionately defensive to care.  "Yo, I was busy!  How the fuck do you expect me to answer when I'm in the middle of getting evidence!" [[[getting worked up and it feels good]]]]

"You had a day and a half notice of the meeting, and you've had over two weeks to 'get evidence,' so spare me your excuses.  They're pathetic."

"Fuck off!  It's not a fuckin' excuse!..."

"Violeta, sit down!”  [[[[i didn't even realize i'd gotten out of my chair]]]]] Toby was so loud that it stunned me silent, and I plopped back down on my chair.  “Now, perhaps you two should catch the rest of us up on what's going on, since Molly's attempt to check-in failed.  You may start, but stop acting like an entitled little girl.  Swallow your anger and speak like an adult."

[[[[toby pushes real buttons because there's no playful undertone and he's serious and now i wanna punch him in the face]]]]] "Ugh, fuck you, too!  This is such bullshit.  I don't know why the fuck I bother..."

"Sit your ass back down before I ask Izaak to tie you to that chair."  [[[[umm izaak tying me down? yes please.]]]]  "Are you going to air your grievance or should I start?  [[[[i'm just gonna sit here and pout for a minute while i secretly think about izaak]]]].................. Okay.  I guess I'll begin.  After a brief and clearly ineffective caning on Tuesday, we agreed to discuss case evidence on Wednesday at 7 o'clock sharp in my office.  Violet never showed or called, ignored me until I bothered Molly at work, who took time out of her busy schedule to call and check in, which, by the way, she answered."

"That was because I..."

"Quiet!  You had your chance, now I am speaking."

"Grrrrr...."

"I met Violet here last night to administer the punishment, and she threw a tantrum — that entitled little girl attitude you were talking about, doc — and requested to discuss in public rather than alone.  I had a severe punishment planned as there are 3 offenses here:  slacking on the case, skipping our meeting, and general poor attitude this week.  Restraints, diaper position, rubber paddle.  Then bent over for ginger root and caning." [[[[ahhhhh!! no way!! fuck that.]]]]

"What the fuck!!  That's so fucking excess when I didn't even fucking do anything!  You said figging was if I fucking relapse!"

"What did I say would happen if you try to stand up again?"

"Fuck off, Izaak won't tie me down."

"Keep acting like that and I will."

[[[[too caught up in my angry emotions to notice how hott this is, but will come back to it later]]]]]"Ugh!  Everyone's against me.  Clo, you're on my side, right?  Tell these fuckers to back off!  Molly?  Toby?"

"Let's hear your side of the story now.  But fair warning, Gabe's punishment appears well-deserved given these childish outbursts..." [[[[toby's calmness pisses me off]]]]

"I've been working my ass off on this case.  I can't help it if his clients have shady histories that make it hard to find concrete evidence.  I had a lead last night that couldn't wait."

"Yeah?  And what did you uncover?  Something I can finally use?"

"Now you're bein' a dick again and I don't wanna fuckin' tell you."

Toby interjected before I could argue more.  "What was the lead?"

[[[[glancing at Molly who's clearly uncomfortable shifting in her seat, but she doesn't make eye contact.  what am i supposed to say here?  i probably shouldn't out chloe to everyone at once, esp with a cop around.  we don't need her getting thrown in jail.  does izaak even know?  he must...]]]]] "It's... confidential.  I'm still working on it."

".... You skipped a meeting with your boss to follow a lead that you couldn't give him immediately?  It's still not looking good for you, Violeta."

[[[[feeling ganged up against, but something about Toby keeps me at peace because he is generally a fair person]]]]] "He just needs to fuckin' be patient.  I'll have the shit put together for him soon."

Molly piped up.  "It's probably better if you give them a concrete date..... you know... that, um, you'll present the info."  [[[[gee thanks for all your help, seeing as it was your idea in the first place for me to not tell gabe right away]]]]

Gabe nodded.  "That's a great idea.  When will you present this mysterious 'evidence' to me?"

"Give me a week."

“By four o’clock next Thursday, or you’ll get the punishment.”

“Minus the fucking ginger root because that’s bullshit.  You’re only doin’ that if I use again.”  [[[[toby would agree that it's fair, so i'd win that vote]]]]

He didn’t like it when I tried to call the shots, but after a glance around the room and knowing he’d lose, Gabe said, “Fine.  Butt plug instead.” [[[[omg so humiliating]]]]

I legit blushed, but kept my composure as best as possible.  “Fine,” I said through clenched teeth.

x-x-x-x