When Gabe and I started working together, he obligated me to create goals for myself. It was part of our deal — he'd work with me, help me get my life and finances together, but only to the extent that it was sustainable. Here's what I came up with:
1) Pay back debts, including money owed to Jason and my old job
2) Go back to therapy
3) Figure out what I'm going to do with my life
When I finally got my signing bonus, it was time to start working on goal #1. So on the afternoon/evening I had off before our trip, Gabe strongly suggested I spend the time wisely, because the next few weeks would be chaotic.
Fair enough. I started by getting a couple of money orders, one for my old job, the other for Jason. I was significantly less worried about seeing my old colleagues than my ex. At least I had a better job... but my love life was in shambles.
I took the train to the bleak concrete courthouse, walking the few blocks to my old office. Such a stark contrast to where I worked now, a modern building with wealthy corporate-types, mostly white people in pressed suits who assumed the minorities were out to get them. My old office was falling apart, the building dating back to the 60s, and hadn't been well maintained. I also only saw a handful white people (to be fair, Queens is one of the most diverse counties in the world, so it makes sense), and no one in fancy attire.
"Heyyy," I said to the security guard, a tall African American man with a mean face and healthy dreadlocks. We had been fairly close when I worked there, sometimes catching a smoke break together and shooting the shit. I flashed a smile and gave him a fist bump, causing him to grin as well, though he shook his head at me.
"Violeta Esperanza," he said with a laugh. "You know I'm supposed to block you from comin' in here. You really pissed off the higher-ups."
"Yeah yeah, I know, but I have something they'd probably like." I took the money order out of my pocket and opened it up for him to see.
"Shit girl, you win the lottery?" But he moved aside to let me through.
"I wish. Thanks, man."
But like I said, going to my old job was easy. Jason was the problem.
There were two ways to give Jason the money order and get back the rest of my shit from his apartment: I could either sit there and wait for him to get off work, or I could wait until around the time he orders dinner and trick him into buzzing me in. Since I didn't have anything to keep me occupied the rest of the afternoon, I decided to go ahead and pay my debts at Dominic's.
Nobody was there yet really, but at least I could have a beer and chat with my friend the bartender for a little while. I owed him a bit of money and paid that, enjoying the bitter drink.
**some kind of convo here with bartender, who offers her coke, but she declines**
When my poker buddies came in for their game, I also paid my dues to them, clearing my name finally and heading out. By then it was late enough that Jason would be home, and would hopefully answer.
I buzzed his apartment number and he let me in without speaking on the intercom, which was broken anyway. My heart pounded as I ascended in the elevator, finally arriving to our old floor. Nostalgia rushed over me, and along with it some anger. I'd been angry for a long time living there. Amazing how much calmer life with Molly was.
Jason was standing at the door in sweatpants and a white t-shirt, clicking away on his phone. He didn't see me until I was right in front of the doorway and he looked up, immediately getting angry. "Oh hell no." He went to slam the door in my face but I stuck my foot out, door catching on my boot.
"Figured you'd want this back." I held out the money order keeping a strong yet calm face, though inside I was ready to bash his head in.
He plucked the paper from my hands, muttered, "thanks," then tried to close the door again.
"Do you mind? I'd like my shit back. We don't have to talk if that's what you're worried about."
With a heaving sigh he said, "fine," and opened the door wide. That's when I realized why he hadn't wanted me coming in — there was a girl on his couch. That stung. But I didn't let it phase me, continuing to move forward to our... his room.
But now the anger was increasing and I was ready to lose my shit on him. Did our relationship mean nothing? How could he move on so fast? What was so great about his basic white bitch that I didn't have?
I busied myself on filling my backpack with different shit that I wanted — **idk what yet, but something relevant** as he watched silently. In fact, it was so quiet that I could hear his girlfriend giggle at the tv every so often, which just further grated at my nerves.
When I was all finished I wished him a nice life and stormed out, proud of myself for not telling his girlfriend some of his dirty laundry.
My instinct was to go to Dominic's, but I knew I couldn't if I ever wanted to sit again. My ass still had a few stripes from the last caning I'd received. But how was it that Jason's skinny ugly ass was able to get someone yet I was basically alone. As hott as Gabe was, we could never date — the age difference, class difference, cultural difference. It was too much.
I considered going to Chloe's place but she didn't answer my texts. Molly was working. Who else was there?
Gabe. And he answered.
Thirty minutes later I stood in front of his high-rise midtown apartment building. So fancy that he had a doorman who didn't recognize me. "Are you the housekeeper?" he wanted to know.
"Fuck you, just cuz I'm Mexican you think I'm a housekeeper?" But really I just felt like fucking with someone. That's the kinda mood I was in.
Apologizing profusely he called Gabe to make sure it was okay to let me through, which of course he said it was fine, and I went up the super fast elevators to the penthouse.
The doors opened to the lobby and Gabe stood there, leaning against the wall in dark pants and a button-down shirt, belt buckle gleaming. "What brings you to this side of town tonight?"
I walked forward, considering how to answer. "Goal number 1, check." I showed him my list of debts, checkmark next to each person. "I'm officially broke again."
"And you went to each of them in person?"
Nodding, I licked my lips and moved closer to him, hoping for a little bit of intimacy. It had been so long since I had a good fucking.
"Is that beer I smell on your breath?"
I shrugged, eyes flirting with him, now walking past him to the living room.
He followed, turning off the light in the entryway. "What happened to straightedge? I didn't give you permission to have a drink."
"Yeah well what are you gonna do about it?" I teased, giving a wink and reaching for my pants, ready to pull them down. After the evening I'd had, I deserved some kind of reward.
"You know exactly what I'm going to do."
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