more videocall

"Yo... no way!" Violet said after I finally spilled the beans.

"You really didn't know?  I assumed you would be eavesdropping on all of Izaak's conversations."

"Nah sis, 99% of his convos are boring as fuck, I stopped listening a long time ago. And anyway, he has this thing about privacy and the first week we were in Egypt he taught me all about boundaries."  She winced, undoubtedly remembering the spankings she'd gotten.  "But what are you gonna do?  What did Gabe say?  Does Vic know?"

"I dunno," I said, a blanket response to all three questions.  I wanted to turn the convo back to Violet, find out more about this week of learning about boundaries, but remembered Izaak's strong encouragement to let her help me.  "I'm really scared..."  I broke off, continuing to fight the urge to change the subject.  Why was this so hard?  

"That you won't find another job?"

"Not exactly..." I began, thinking about it for a moment.  "Like Toby said he wouldn't give me a bad recommendation or anything... but he isn't sure I should keep doing therapy at all..." Normally she would've interrupted with a question or comment, but now she just sat there quietly, resisting any urges to inject her two cents.  "And maybe he's right... because he usually is... but then what else am I going to do with my life?  I've spent a lot of time and energy on this career..."

videocall continued

"I have already spoken to Toby, so I know what happened."

Uncertain how to respond, I chewed on my fingernail, looking down at the floor.

"Violet doesn't know, but you are going to tell her and allow her to support you."  I looked up at him to argue, but knew there was no use.  He was wearing his stubborn face, which meant no matter how compelling my argument, I would lose.  "You need your family right now.  Lean on us for support."

I nodded, holding back my tears as I admitted, "I feel so ashamed..."

"You should," Izaak responded simply.  The bluntness threw me for a loop — Toby and Gabe had been tiptoeing around my emotions, careful not to say anything that would send me in a spiral.  Izaak rarely offered me that courtesy.  If he thought it needed to be said, I was going to hear it.  "Getting high before work is disrespectful to your client, your career, and yourself.  If I were there right now, you would be getting the spanking of your life, kiddo.  I'm surprised Gabe hasn't done it yet."

My heart thumped against my chest as I imagined how this week away would have been with Izaak.  Yikes... he'd probably have me getting up at dawn and exercising all the time and eating healthy and shit... suddenly I felt grateful for Gabe 😅

"How do you know he hasn't?" I finally asked.

Videocall

“Bro, where ya at? You must be with gabe cuz no way you’re out of bed this early on your own.”

I rolled my eyes as violet inspected the background of my video image. Izaak sat next to her, shaking his head in amusement.

“You look good,” I told him, feeling his energy more alive and hopeful than I ever remember him being.

“I’ve been working on myself,” he reminded me, “and it’s helping a lot.”

“Any new insights or big moments?”

“The beach house!” Violet nearly shouted, finally recognizing something. “Why are you there with gabe? Shouldn’t you be snoozing your alarm for another hour until it’s time to drag yourself out of bed for work? You’re not sick-looking. Why aren’t you working today?”

“Are you spending your vacation learning how to be a detective?” I snapped back.

Izaak gave violet a mean look, enough to make her submissively settle down a little. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to rudely interrupt,” she said sincerely, which caught me by surprise. Of course then she added back in her near-shout, “but somethings off and I know you’ll keep this conversation about me and izaak unless we make you tell us.”

“When did YOU get so perceptive??” I joked.

“Izaaks not the only one workin’ on himself. So cmon, spill it.”

I looked at Izaak to see whose side he was on, and I was outnumbered. Rolling my eyes, I said, “I’m not working today. I have the week off, no big deal. I would prefer to hear about your trip.”

“No you wouldn’t, you just want to avoid talking about yourself.”

“Why do you sound so much like Toby??”

“Ohhh I bet Toby would tell me what’s up with you…”

“No!” I said a little too passionately. “I mean, he’s working, no need to bother him.”

Violet opened her mouth to say more but izaak cut her off. “Can you give us a minute please,” he asked politely, and she opened her mouth to argue, but his dominance took over and shut her up. She grumbled something under her breath and said she’d be back later, and left.

Now izaak turned to me, giving the same look he’d been holding for violet, which made my tummy twist up into knots.

Almost missed my train stop…

Toby sat across from me, knees almost touching mine as he gave me the most serious and compassionate look, though his eye contact was intense. “I really need you to think about what you want out of life. I know you were taught to put others first and not have your own opinion — and there are some benefits to that… I’m just speaking from my own experience. I almost killed myself getting through med school because it was too much. I had to re-examine if it’s really what I wanted or what my ego wanted. Then I had to change my lifestyle to fit the field I was getting into. I’d advise you to do the same.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond without getting defensive and yelling that I’m not him, my ego doesn’t drive my decisions like it does for him, but I figured he wouldn’t like that.

He’s psychic though. “I know we’re different people and I’m projecting onto you a little, which is why I believe you should think about it. Take some time — without weed or other mind altering substances — and see what the different parts of yourself are saying. Because getting caught with drugs at work is serious… I know you feel ashamed, but I need you to look me in the eyes, please.” I gulped and glanced back up at him. “It is serious and unethical at best. Which part of you thinks it’s okay to get high before working with a minor?”

I shrugged.

He paused to convince me to answer, but I broke eye contact again, also not daring to look at gabe who sat beside me watching the interaction.

Toby gave me a long time to respond before sighing. “I can see you’re not ready to dig into it yet, and that’s okay. I’m going to meet you where you’re at and not apply pressure.”

He placed a caring hand on my thigh, causing me to slightly flinch because I hadn’t expected it, and when I finally glanced back up at him, I saw his sternness had faded and now he felt like hippie Toby that I’d met years ago and just enjoyed being free and let loose. I knew part of him also didn’t see anything wrong with smoking before work (maybe?) but he had changed over the years. He knew something I didn’t. He had figured out the consequences before it got out of hand.

“I should go.” Toby glanced at gabe. “Thank you for looking after Molly so much. As her friend and surrogate older brother, I appreciate it.”

Hmm…

“Okay Molly, you’ve had a few days of avoiding the subject, but now we’re going to talk about it…”

“Noooo,” I whined, giving him a puppy face I was sure would work.

It didn’t. “Yes,” gabe responded sternly with a look that told me if I wanted to keep arguing, I’d be doing it over his knee. When i hung my head in response to not having my way, he continued. “How are you feeling about everything?”

“Like I suck. I’m only good at helping people and now I can’t even do that now.”

“Who said you can’t help people anymore?”

“Toby,” I said with an eye roll.

“There are thousands of ways to give service, young lady, and you know it.”

(Idk could also go “who said you’re only good at helping people” but the other way felt right in the moment 🤔)

gabe/Molly at beach house

I stumbled to the living room, still half asleep and fighting off the numbness of depression. My eyes were basically closed as I plopped onto the sofa next to gabe, only widening when I saw on the table in front of me a disposable vape pen I’d smuggled in, and the otk wooden paddle right next to it. Gulping, I glanced up at him trying to find an excuse.

“You get one opportunity to explain yourself, so make it good,” he warned, less playful than normal. He gave me an izaak vibe, too serious for so early in the morning. Normally gabe would’ve asked questions so I’d dig myself into a hole, but today he seemed too disappointed to do even that.

His eye contact was too fierce… I couldn’t downplay what I’d done. “I don’t have an explanation.”

“During our talk with Toby, you agreed that you needed a week or two at the beach house away from weed.”

I hung my head, nodding.

“You hid this anyway and have been smoking since we arrived, haven’t you?” He lifted my chin so that I looked into his worried eyes. “Did you smoke every night? When you said you were journaling?”

“…yes… but I journaled too!”

“That’s not the point. This week is supposed to be about taking the best care of yourself so you can start figuring out your future. You were even the one to suggest you needed a tolerance break. Then you packed a vape pen. Why?”

“I dunno….”

“I bet the doc would have some theories…” he said, reaching for his phone.

“Nooo don’t call him! I just wanted to have it… in case I wanted to smoke.”

He shook his head at me. “You know what’s going to happen now, don’t you?”

I glanced over at the paddle then looked up at him with puppy eyes.

“This isn’t a joke, Molly.” He paused and it looked like he was getting all teary eyed?? Which just made me feel worse. “I wish you had brought it to test my limits, but we’ve been here 3 days and you kept it so well-hidden until last night… it doesn’t add up.”

“I’m sorry…”

“I know. And you know I will do what I can to ensure this doesn’t happen again, testing or not.” I gulped and he pointed to the corner. “Bare your bottom, nose in the corner, and think about the paddling you’ve earned.”

Random scene in mind

“Remember our deal? You need to take care of yourself, not worry about taking care of me or anyone else. So you need to tell me what’s going on. Right now.”

I huffed and folded my arms at gabe. “That’s not fair!”

“Molly, do I need to put you back over my knee?”

The threat made me more angry than excited. “The only reason you’re making such a big deal out of this is because you’re projecting. You never open up to me or let me take care of you, nor do you let anyone else do it. And how am I supposed to express love to you if you won’t let me do it in the only way I know how? And you’re also not being a good example of how to accept help, just so ya know.”

Gabe opened his mouth to respond, then closed it, frowning. “Okay,” he said simply.

I blinked. “Okay what?”

“Okay, I hear you. You’re right. I can’t expect you to let me take care of you if I don’t reciprocate.”

Toby Chloe convo

“What don’t you like about working at gabes firm?”

“Just I’m not good at it and creepy clients, like we talked about before.”

“Ah, yes, I remember now. But that doesn’t really answer the question. You can be good at any job you feel drawn towards, and and creepy clients also happen regardless of the job. What’s the real reason?”

I glanced down, a little uncomfortable (and excited) at how easy it was for toby to keep the conversation about me. “I’m just not really cut out for it… it’s not my thing.”

He shook his head, unsatisfied. “Still not an answer. I would love to break you of that habit.” (😈 Toby has an evil side)

“Well what if I just don’t have an answer?” I said with an awkward giggle, unsure if I wanted this interrogation to continue 🤔

“I would say you’re lying,” he answered flatly. “An appropriate response may be, ‘I’m not going to answer,’ which works in non-coaching situations… but if I were breaking you of this habit, I wouldn’t allow that answer either.”

I squirmed, wondering what it would be like to have Toby in that role, though I felt shy to say anything about it out loud.

What a new feeling — shy around a guy? That’s not me!

“Haven’t you ever disliked a job without any clear reason?”

“No. But we’re discussing you right now.”

I rolled my eyes, feeling like a pre-teen talking to her crush. “Why don’t you just tell me the answer then.”

Toby just stared at me for a minute, confident expression, kinda cocky but kinda serious. “That’s not how this works. I don’t have the answers to your questions… the answers come…”

“From within?” I said in a mocking tone, giggling a little at Toby’s surprise that I was making fun of him. “You’re so hippie dippie sometimes.”

“And you’re using every defense to avoid any vulnerability, which I’m not criticizing, simply stating.”

I blushed. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“It’s not about what I want you to say, it’s about what you genuinely think and feel. I don’t find much fulfillment in people feeding me bullshit.”

I sighed, wondering what I did genuinely think and feel. “Maybe it’s too stressful… high stakes… corporate. You know, my grandparents were super hippie, too. Maybe this job just isn’t in my genes.”

Toby gave a half smile. What is he thinking? “I’ll accept that answer… for now.”

More Molly

“Molly?”

I didn’t move, body too heavy with depression to socialize, so I hoped gabe (and violet) would think I’m sleeping and just carry on with their day.

I should’ve known better — these are the two most persistent people I know.

“Bro she’s just faking sleep, you gotta talk to her.”

Continuing Molly scene

“How Can Molly get her job back.” Gabe asked it with such confidence, I was sure an answer with actionable steps would follow.

Toby maintained a neutral expression, though I suspected he didn’t like Gabe’s cockiness. My body tensed as I awaited conflict, pleasantly surprised at the calmness in Toby’s voice. “I don’t appreciate the implication that my decision isn’t about what’s in Molly’s best interest.” Now he glanced in my direction, causing butterflies in my tummy. “When was the last time you smoked within an hour before a session started?”

My heart stopped and I chewed on my lower lip, not wanting to answer. But the way both men looked at me, that wasn’t an option. “I… i don’t remember…” I stammered, looking away so they couldn’t read my eyes.

Toby only made us sit in the uncomfortable silence for a few excruciating seconds. “I’m willing to bet it was yesterday.”

My heart thumped against my chest as I chewed on my fingernail, staring at the floor.

“In fact, I suspect it’s nearly everyday, but I don’t want to believe that. I haven’t wanted to believe it for a while. We all want you to succeed, Molly. So much that I’ve deceived myself about how serious this problem has become. You aren’t happy as a therapist — at least I don’t think you are — and I don’t know if you will be until your childhood trauma is resolved.” He now turned to Gabe. “You know as well as I do that if we tried to fight this, her body language would tell the truth for her. Poker face is not her strength.”

I didn’t have the courage to look up and see how Gabe respond to Toby’s thought, and he didn’t speak.

So Toby continued. “And if she got away with it this time, how long until it happens again? There’s too much on the line here. At least this way,” he turned back to me, “you won’t lose your license, so once you’ve worked through… whatever this is… you can always come back.”

We sat in another tense silence until this time, Gabe spoke. “He’s right.”

That’s when I finally looked up, surprised at the admission. My friends faces were both filled with worry, which triggered something inside of me that turned on the waterworks. I felt so ashamed and useless…. But cared for at the same time. The most confusing cocktail of emotions.