after confessing (ch30)

"How does it feel to get this off your chest?"  

I blinked a tear away at the unexpected question, though I guess being in a therapy office I could've seen it coming.  Instead of blurting out the first answer that came to mind, I considered it for a moment:  my tummy felt a little less angry, now more hollow, guilt-ridden.  The anxiety had somewhat evaporated (for the moment) and even the noise machine gave me calming vibes.  "A little relief.  Some sadness.  And very lost."

He nodded, lips pressed together as if thinking of how to explain rocket science.  "I'm surprised that you decided to tell me instead of someone else."

Now the anxiety was coming back again...  "I thought maybe you could help me like you did Violet...  you're my best friend here..."

"Don't do that," he ordered.  "I don't deal well with fake people.  Be authentic or this conversation will not last much longer."

With a gulp I hung my head and muttered, "Sorry.  I just don't know what to do."

Now he sighed and leaned forward, running his fingers through his hair as he thought.  "Why didn't you tell Izaak?"

"Are you joking?  Why does everyone say that!"

"Who else said that?"

"It doesn't matter.  I just... need you to help me get out of this.  Should I run?  Violet already has the memory card and it's only a matter of time before she makes the connection..."

Toby cut me off.  "Slow down.  Take a deep breath.  Sit back and relax for a minute."

intro to chloe confessing to toby (ch30)

When the doorman wasn't looking, I slipped past the front door, peering near the elevator to find Toby's name and suite number.  His office was on the first floor, and felt like I was going through a maze to find it.  The door was slightly open and he sat at his desk, staring at the computer, which was open to a blank email.  His fingers hovered over the keyboard, shoulders tense.  I wondered what he was trying to say that he couldn't.  I knew that feeling so well lately.

I cleared my throat to let Toby know I was there, and he nearly jumped out of his seat.  "Oh, hey!"  A half-smile formed on his lips and he waved for me to come in, then closed the door behind me.  

"I... need your help..." I stammered as I turned towards him, intimidated by his scrutinizing stare.

His eyebrows lifted with concern.  "What's going on?"  Fingertips against my back, he nudged me forward to have a seat.

It was your stereotypical therapist office, couch against the wall, lots of books, big desk littered with sticky notes and papers.  I sat on the edge of the sofa and he perched on a chair in front of me, open and inviting posture.  The sound of a white noise machine hummed in the background.  It's now or never... a voice inside me pestered.  "Violet told me that you helped her get out of legal trouble before?"

There was a subtle cock in his brow as he spoke, "Yes."  

ch20 beginning

Since I was in the field gathering evidence most of the afternoon, I decided to duck out of work a little early and pay off the rest of my debts.  It had officially been a week since I used.  The techniques Toby had taught me were enough to distract my cravings as long as I was far away from Dominic's, but after shamefully repaying my old job, Andy and my poker buddies were the only people left on my list.

I was ready to get out of my financial hole, but I wasn't ready to be so close to drugs again, so I decided to stall by going home to change out of work clothes.  It was a hot Monday in late-July... if I had to deal with junkie gangbangers, at least I wanted to be in comfortable clothes.

After changing, I sat in front of Vic's playstation shooting hookers and smoking cigarettes.  The behaviors I do when I'm getting frustrated, according to what I'd learned over the weekend.  But supposedly video games aren't the solution to my problems... at least that's what Toby said.  He was probably right.

I sighed and turned my game off, glancing at the time.  

Don't be afraid to ask for help.  That's what we're here for.

pattie cake

"Let's see the video."  I almost didn't recognize Violet's professional-sounding voice.  

There was an uncomfortable silence until Gabe said, "She's trustworthy."

"Not a word to anyone about what you're going to see."

"Obviously.  But I can't do my job if you don't give me all the evidence."  A hint of her ghetto accent came back, but she impressively kept her cool.

A loud sigh.  "Fine."  I heard some shuffling and another sigh.  

"Just carrying a memory stick around in your pocket like it's nothing?  And no encryption or passcode at all?  No wonder you got hacked."

Gabe cleared his throat and I imagined the glare he was shooting Violet.

"What's she talking about?"

Another awkward silence.  "You've gotta do a better job with security, man... um... sir?  That stick should be under lock and key at all times.  Shit gets out, you're screwed."  Now she sounded like herself again, though somehow maintained a level of professionalism.

Before he had the chance to respond, the video started playing.

I know this must be confusing for you.  Credit cards maxed, checking accounts dry, the safe empty.  All your money is gone.  You're lucky you still have a business, but rest assured, fuck with any kids again, I'll take that from you, too.  

Do NOT look for me or contact law enforcement authorities. Even if you try, you will fail... You'll NEVER find me. And if you ignore my warning, I'll ensure that everyone in your family - everyone in the world - will see what’s in this video.

chloe + sage phone call (ch19)

"I need your help."

"Heyyy, long time no talk, friend!  We have company so I don't have much time..."  Her code to be careful, people are listening.  "Are you okay?"

Taking a deep breath, I checked to make sure the front door was still locked.  "No.  It's really frosty here.  I'm worried."

"Wait... what?  Frosty?  Are you sure?"

I gulped.  "Yeah.  I literally saw him at my new job.  What am I going to do?"

"And Izaak?"

"What?  You can't expect me to tell him.  He's...."

She cut me off.  "Yes, I know.  But you should talk to him.  He could help."

I blinked in confusion, taking the phone away from my ear to look and make sure it was the right number before speaking again.  "How???  I was actually not planning on telling him at all... He would..."

"Look, I have to go — there's a lot of bullshit going on around here.  If you don't wanna talk to Izaak there must be someone else, but be careful.  Frost is dangerous.  You'll need a strong defense."

"What if..."

"We'll talk again soon, promise.  Don't take any crazy risks.  Big brother is always watching."  Then hung up.

I sighed and fell back onto the bed.  Sage had been my best friend for many years... the only person I trusted besides granny.  Why had she assumed I could tell Izaak?  She'd known how close we were during college, but also that he'd left me and was in the FBI now, which would make him totally off-limits.  

It has to be code for something else... 

violet presents to gabe

"You're not gonna like this," I began.  "I can't find anything to connect Pattie Cake to the crime."

Gabe's nostrils flared and his hands clenched into fists.  "There better be a good explanation for this," he growled, ready to jump out of his seat and start another beating.

"She didn't do it.  She's too pussy.  I found out who really fucked Winters over."  I slid the file folder across the desk and plastered a smirk on my face, ignoring the nervous tension.  My heart started beating faster, sweat beading on my forehead as he skimmed the papers.

"Vanessa Ramirez?"  He looked back up at me, eyebrow cocked in confusion.  

"She has the background.  She works closely with him.  And she has the access to all of his files.  I bet she could do the same girly voice as Pattie Cake.  She needed someone to take the fall for her."

"If you're going to make such a bold claim, I assume you have more evidence."

I handed him the printed out version of the email I planted in Vanessa's outbox.  

"Why would she write this in an email?  Something is fishy here.  Also, I can't use this in court."  He dropped the paper back on the desk, looking up at me with narrowed eyes.  "What's going on, Violet?"

ch17 - toby/violet scene expanded

"On the bed, diaper position.”

I shivered.  Worst position ever.  And the instructions were still vague enough to keep me guessing and nervous about screwing up, so I went ahead and fully undressed.  As I discarded my underwear, goosebumps covered my body.  His penetrating glare made me more uncomfortable than normal.  I silently hoped the punishment focused more on physical pain than verbal.

Without waiting for more direction, I crept towards his made-up bed.  A deep breath steadied my trembling body as I sat, looking up at him.  My tough exterior had been chiseled at slowly throughout the week, and Toby had hammered the rest of it away.  All that was left was vulnerable little me.  

My hesitation prompted a slight crease in his forehead, so I scooted back and lifted my feet into the air, wrapping my arms around the backs of my knees.  I stared up at the ceiling again, getting very familiar with all the intricate details on the white surface to ignore the embarrassment and discomfort.

But then Toby came into my line of vision.  "First, summarize the important points from today."  He paced slowly in front of me, hands behind his back with the paddle.  Same flat expression that he always wore.

"Do I really have to?" I whined, turning my head to the side.  

ch26 thoughts

Having Violet over for the weekend was fun, but I was thankful when Izaak made her go with him to the volunteer soup kitchen at his mosque.  The anxiety was so overwhelming and wouldn't go away until I read all of the info on the memory card, which I couldn't do with her there.  I had to figure out what info they might have against me.  

I couldn't keep focused on it, though.  My mind kept wandering to my spanko family.

Izaak and I hadn't discussed our intimate night since it happened.  Not that we'd had much time, but there was a weird vibe in the air.  It'd felt like we connected so deeply that night, and now it was like nothing had even happened.  In fact, maybe there was even more distance.

Did he only do it to sneak through my stuff?  Nothing had seemed out of place, but his elephant memory would have him putting everything back in its exact spot.

Or maybe I did something wrong?

He seemed to be more into Violet, appreciating her hyperactivity and endless excuses to spank her.  If I were brattier, would he like me more?

Looking back down at the slutty conversations with Winters I wanted to gag.  A slutty conversation with Izaak would be much better.

A text message from Toby interrupted my reading.  "I have a surprise for you.  Meet at 3pm in Astoria Park?"

I smiled and agreed, wondering what it could be.  And why would Toby have a surprise?

ch13 edits

Toby went on to create a full-on scientific experiment, with all sorts of numbers and rationality, but I spaced out.  My mind was focused on the sinking feeling in my tummy.  

Since he'd gotten me the job at his Central Park psychotherapy office, I'd had conflicting emotions.  Even though it'd take a while to build up a client base, I was already making more money with them than at my old job in Queens, where I still had a nearly-full caseload.   

It's just that my old job makes me feel like I'm actually making a difference...  

People who have money can afford the best help anywhere.  It's the rest of us who get the shit end of the stick.  Stuck with therapists who don't really care or who quit after a few months because the pay/benefits are so shitty.  Out of my 30 colleagues at the clinic, I'm definitely one of the best.  Part of the elite crew who can do whatever I want without fear of repercussion.  

No one cares about poor people.

The work situation mixed with my romantic life and Violet's drama had me more wrapped up in helping my clients, which meant paperwork (and my self-care needs) was put on the backburner.  Something I can get away with at my old job, but tried to avoid at the new job.  

It's too shameful to admit to Toby.  I should've talked to Gabe instead.

Adam was supposed to be my top/spanker/whatever we want to call it, but had been in such a bad emotional place lately that I didn't want to bother him with my meaningless issues.  

ch16 insert

"You seem much better tonight than I've seen you in a while."

"Yeah... I feel almost... normal.  Whatever that means."  I was squirmy as I sat on the sofa, knowing that I wouldn't like the 'talk' we were about to have.  

"You know what comes next."

Biting my lower lip, I maintained eye contact as I nodded, ignoring the flashback of the awful punishments I'd received from Toby in the past.  It wasn't even the physical part that sucked — it was the mindfuck.  We had a few heavy scenes back in the day.

"Time to clean the slate," I mumbled.  

"First, I'd like you to summarize the important points that we discussed today."

"Ugh... do I really have to?"

His peeved expression was much more gentle than I would've imagined, but his tone was stern.  "This is your life, Violeta.  It's not a game."

I resisted an eyeroll at his lack of answering my question, focusing instead on the memories that popped up in my mind from the day.  "I should meditate all the time, even if it's fucking boring."  I glanced at him for a moment to see his response, but he wore the same sorta-peeved expression.  "Anger and jealousy trigger urges to do self-defeating behaviors... and to prevent relapse I should find shit to do on the weekends.  Yo, we should plan a vacation.  I heard Gabe has a sweet crib on Long Island, probably some Hamptons shit.  The whole group could go!  And..."

Toby snapped his fingers at me.  "Focus."