"On the bed, diaper position.”
I shivered. Worst position ever. And the instructions were still vague enough to keep me guessing and nervous about screwing up, so I went ahead and fully undressed. As I discarded my underwear, goosebumps covered my body. His penetrating glare made me more uncomfortable than normal. I silently hoped the punishment focused more on physical pain than verbal.
Without waiting for more direction, I crept towards his made-up bed. A deep breath steadied my trembling body as I sat, looking up at him. My tough exterior had been chiseled at slowly throughout the week, and Toby had hammered the rest of it away. All that was left was vulnerable little me.
My hesitation prompted a slight crease in his forehead, so I scooted back and lifted my feet into the air, wrapping my arms around the backs of my knees. I stared up at the ceiling again, getting very familiar with all the intricate details on the white surface to ignore the embarrassment and discomfort.
But then Toby came into my line of vision. "First, summarize the important points from today." He paced slowly in front of me, hands behind his back with the paddle. Same flat expression that he always wore.
"Do I really have to?" I whined, turning my head to the side.
“Look at me, little girl,” he scolded, swatting me with the paddle and getting obedience right away. His peeved expression was much more gentle than I deserved, but his tone was strict. "This is your life, Violeta. It's not a game."
I resisted an eyeroll, focusing instead on the memories that popped up in my mind from our earlier discussions. "I should meditate all the time, even if it's fucking boring."
He didn't humor me with a verbal response, thwacking the paddle down again to make me squeal, then stared at me hard again.
So I continued, doing my best not to cower from his intense eye contact. "Anger and jealousy trigger urges to do self-defeating behaviors... and to prevent relapse I should find shit to do on the weekends. Yo, we should def plan a vacation. I heard Gabe has a sweet crib on Long Island… The whole group could..."
Toby popped me again with the paddle. "Focus."
"Sorry." Submissiveness. What an odd emotion. "Ummm... what else. If I'm feeling triggered I should hang out with a good influence friend, and I should stay away from Dominic's... Ay!" I shrieked with the next paddle swat. "Damn so many fuckin' rules." I closed my watery eyes, allowing gravity to let the tears slip down my cheeks. When I finally opened them again, Toby's face looked a little softer, more kind. But still an intense gaze.
"Tell me the goals you’re working towards."
"Pay off all my debts." I allowed my heavy body to sink into the comforter as I thought about having to face all of the people I'd stolen from.
Now he popped the paddle down a few times in quick succession so that I started kicking a little with my cries.
Then he stopped, allowing me to speak again. I panted, straightening my position for him. "And I'll go back to therapy and work on coping skills or whatever so I don't go raging bitch or fuckin' crazy every time I'm triggered."
Cue the next flurry of hard paddle swats.
"And figure out what to do with... my life." With the next round of paddle swats, I let out all the rest of the emotions. They came to the surface too easily since I'd been crying most of the last 24 hours. There was no use in trying to bottle them up anymore.
Toby sat with me in silence, brown eyes boring into mine. He rested the paddle on my bottom again, ready to strike again at any moment. But then his words surprised me: "Two weeks moving towards your goals without drugs or reckless spending, and I'll agree to a weekend at Gabe's bougey beach house."
My mouth dropped to ask if he was serious, but then the hardest flurry of swats came down. The loud pops echoed through his large bedroom and I tried my best to hold position, squeezing my hands together so that I wouldn't accidentally get my fingers hit.
"After this punishment, you will release any guilt you've been holding onto. Guilt about using again and being aggressive, but also about not going to see your father. Look at me," he said firmly when I shut my eyes, stopping the spanking for a moment. "You were a child when they were taken away. It's natural that you were angry... that was the only way you knew how to deal with it. And now, you're an adult. Now you're going to let that anger go. Got it?"
I nodded. “I’m sorry for being a shitty friend and breaking my promises to you,” I bawled.
He gave a final hard swat and said, "You're forgiven, Violeta." The paddle fell to the bed and Toby gave me permission to drop my legs, then helped me up, allowing me to fall into a side hug. He squished me into his body as I cried out all the tears inside me. All the rage that had been inside me was washed away, left with only hurt and disappointment.
Once my cries had subsided a bit, I took a deep breath and Toby spoke again.
"It's imperative that you don't forget your goals, so along with earning a clean slate, we're going to make sure you move forward."
I groaned but let him lead me to his desk, instructing me to sit. Then he flopped a spiral notebook in front of me. "Fuuuuuck. Can't believe you still have this." Thumbing through the pages I half-read the repetitive rows of positive behaviors that Toby had tried to instill in me throughout our friendship: arriving on time to work, completing homework assignments, getting a full eight hours of sleep. Ha. Some things never change. Nostalgia swept over me with an aura of gratitude to have his support all these years.
"Today's lines will be your goals. One page for each goal so you don't forget."
"And we'll go on vacation in a couple of weeks?" I asked with still-teary eyes.
He cracked a slight smile. "As long as you do what you're supposed to. We can discuss details at the next family meeting."
"I think you just wanna make the moves on Clo," I teased with a sniffle, flipping to an empty page in the notebook. In my most beautiful penmanship, I wrote: I will pay off all of my debts. Then the next page: I will return to therapy to work on coping skills. And finally the last: I will figure out what to do in my career.
There they were. All set and ready to be worked on. With a yawn I noticed a positive feeling again (finally!): determination.
I will reach these goals and show all those motherfuckers that nothing will stop me.
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