family meeting continued

There was another tense silence after Violet finished her confession, all of us sitting together in the heaviness of everything going on.  And to think — just a couple of weeks ago we had been frolicking around on the beach and enjoying the freedom of vacation.  What a turn around.

"What are we gonna do?" Molly finally asked. 

My heart thumped and I snuggled even closer to Izaak, praying that they weren't going to immediately turn me in to the cops, that someone would be on my side.  But how could I expect that when it had never been the case.

"First we need to deal with Andy," Gabe said matter-of-factly.  "We need to figure out a way to delete whatever he copied from the memory card."

Violet quickly cut in, shaking her head.  "There's no way.  We have no idea where he even saved the files.  I could destroy his phone, but it's probably backed up in the cloud."

"Your friend Riley does."  Gabe's tone was bitter as he said it.

"If she already betrayed me like this, do you really think I can get her on my side?"

"I know you can.  Find some dirt on her.  You're good at that."

There was another moment of stillness as Violet pondered that idea, finally nodding.  "Yeah, okay.  I can do that."

"Then we need to take Andy down." 

[[idk i still have to figure out how this is going to happen and I guess I'm not feeling it tonight 💔]]

running out of things to write about

I sat in the sand, smoking a cigarette, listening to the waves crashing on the shore.  It was nearly dark, so most people had gone inside for the evening, which was exactly what I'd been waiting for — finally some time alone.  

Normally I didn't need the break from people, but since Clo had bombarded me with her confession and begged me not to tell Gabe, I had too many emotions to sort out, and no time to really consider them.  Not to mention we had been drunk and high pretty much the whole time we'd been on vacation.  Well, I exaggerate a bit, but there was lots of weed and alcohol consumption, especially last night.

What a way to spend my weekend celebrating sobriety.

But everyone seemed to have so much going on.  Clo with her secret, Molly with her inability to break up with Adam, Toby with whatever the fuck manic episode he had, Vic processing the horrors he saw in Arizona, Gabe with his concern over Molly, me with guarding Clo's secret... everyone except Izaak seemed to be losing it.  And Izaak might just be a good faker.

Memories from my past haunted me — lying to Gabe, him finding out in the worst way, the icy silence that he greeted me with afterwards, my pushing him for any kind of reaction.  Then he didn't talk to me for years.  He didn't not-talk to me either, he was just super indifferent.  He still helped take care of Vic's immigration stuff, he footed the bill for Toby's services.  But I really fucked up by lying to him.

chloe family meeting after gabe knows

For some reason, I couldn't muster up the courage to give Izaak the heads up before the meeting.  My anxiety was too overbearing.  I didn't even go home, just wandered around the city all day, avoiding everyone.  Entertaining the idea of escaping to Canada, I passed by the bus station, checking ticket prices before talking myself out of it.  I even called Sage, disappointed when she didn't answer.

As the sun approached the horizon, I finally headed towards Molly's apartment.  My insides churned with disapproval, trying to keep me away from the meeting.  But somehow my legs carried me forward anyway, and my finger clicked the buzzer, and my hands pushed open the door.  I was soon greeted by four sets of eyes and the most solemn mood ever.

"Is Toby coming?" I asked, plopping down on the couch next to Izaak.

"He still ain't answering."  Violet rolled her eyes.  "He's the one who should be here gettin' his ass beat for avoiding us all."

I glanced at Molly who shifted uncomfortably in her recliner, guilt written all over her face.  

"Today's subject isn't the doc, it's the two of you," Gabe responded.

Izaak stiffened at my side, eyeing me.

Violet noticed.  "Bro, you didn't tell him yet?"

"Tell me what?"

I brought my knees to my chest, curling into a ball and feeling the weight of everyone staring at me, waiting for me to break.

When the silence became too much, Violet groaned in frustration.  "C'mon, sis.  Usually it's me in the hot seat, last week was Molls, now's your turn.  Spill it."

chloe after gabe knows

I arrived to the office still feelings the emotional effects of the video Andy had posted online.  I still shuttered when I thought about my most intimate parts being exposed online, along with my face for everyone to see me.  Not only that, but I was also slightly worried about Violet.  Izaak had sent me to bed and sleep overtook my body before he'd come back home from checking on her.  All he'd told me during our morning routine was that he took her home and she seemed to be fine.

But when I arrived a couple of minutes late, Violet was nowhere to be found.  Which made my heart thump a little louder than normal.

I just want all this to be over.

molly and vic's wedding

Vic wrung his hands in nervousness as he paced in the courthouse.  I took a moment to admire his suit and tie, which made him look absolutely gorgeous, despite the nervous sweat that formed at his brow.  Placing a hand on his shoulder, I whispered, "Hey, don't worry, she'll make it."

"And I'll make sure she understands how important punctuality is," Gabe added, looking like he was going to take off his belt right there and deal with Violet as soon as she came through the doors.

"She's always late," Vic grumbled, pushing his hair out of his eyes and turning towards me.  He managed a half-smile.  "But I won't lie, I'm worried she's doing this on purpose because she's been pissed at me so much lately."

"Violet wouldn't miss this for the world.  Your her big brother, she loves you even through all that unfiltered anger."

Vic's aunt rattled something to him in Spanish, which caused his uncle to give the classic Esperanza Eye Roll.  They really were all alike with their fiery attitude.  As Vic answered, rolling his r's with the precision of a native speaker, we heard the door slam and collectively looked up to see Violet, rushing inside in a wrinkly lavender dress.

"So nice of you to make it," Gabe said, giving her a look that I could only interpret as I'll deal with you when we get home.

"Sorry, bro, the trains were a fuckin' mess."  She gave her brother a kiss on the cheek, then greeted her cousins and aunt, completely ignoring her uncle.  "Were y'all just waitin' on me?"

violet's midnight meeting

It was half past midnight when I arrived at Dominic's, and Clo was already sitting in a booth, scrolling through her phone.  Our usual drinks sat in front of her, glasses filled to the brim.  

"Hey," I said as I slid in across from her.

She looked up from her phone, smiling up at me.  "Today's meeting was tense."

I nodded.  "You didn't have to order me this... I think I'm giving up on drinking for a while."

Clo's eyebrows raised.  "Guess I'll have to drink both."  Then she took a sip of her mojito.  "Do you think Molly's okay?  And Toby?  What the hell happened today?"

"This isn't what we're here to talk about."  The anger burned in my chest, half-blaming Clo for the mess that had ensued, even though Molly was the one who made the mistake.  Clo had also made a mistake, though, and not telling Gabe was killing me... and after today, it didn't seem like a good time to rock the boat again.

"I know.  But I'm genuinely worried about them.  They've become my family, too..."

violet family meeting/paddling Izaak [aka the most awkward scene to write ever]

When everyone finally stopped ganging up on me, Izaak cleared his throat.  "Everyone should know that Esperanza won the bet we made."

"Yeah I survived his weekend of fucking torture.  Which means I get to beat his ass now!"

Gabe rolled his eyes.  "Oh great, just what we need, Violet on her high horse again."

"A bet's a bet."  I pushed myself up from my chair and went to the implement bucket, sorting through the paddles.  The wood clacked together as I debated between either the hole-y paddle or a fraternity-type paddle, finally settling on the latter.

Glancing up at Izaak, I tapped it against my palm and grinned.  Don't tell anyone, but I actually felt kind of nervous and awkward.  We totally didn't have a switchy-type relationship.

"Are you gonna just sit there or actually get into position?"

All eyes turned towards him, waiting to see how this was going to go.  Izaak didn't flinch as he stood, and I wondered how he was feeling underneath his calm exterior.  Was he as nervous as me?  Did this excite him at all?  Surely he wouldn't be worried about the pain — I doubt he'd even feel my pathetic swings, even if I gave it my all.

[[[[this is so weird to write!!!]]]]

molly forging prescription in modern times

"I didn't go to school all week... the depression is killing me.  And my mom just doesn't understand.  She thinks all meds are bad."  My seventeen year old client sighed, slumped in her seat, looking so disconnected from herself.  "But nothing else is helping.  My friend gave me edibles, but after last time..." when she took too many and had a psychotic meltdown... "I don't want to do that again.  Is that the only thing I can do though?"  She looked up at me, eyes stony, reminding me of myself.  "If my mom refuses meds... is my only option getting illegal drugs?"

My heart broke for her.  I had tried everything — talking to her mom, sending psychiatrist referrals, getting my supervisor involved, even calling child services (who didn't do anything).  In my client's community, there was such a denial of mental health services, including therapy.  Anti-depressants were seen as giving into the weakness, a character flaw even.  They were old school... the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type.  It was so ingrained in their culture that all of my pleas were useless.

"It just makes me want to die."

"Isabel, no."  I leaned forward in my chair, showing the deep compassion I felt for her situation.  "I know it feels like too much right now, but we are going to get through this, I promise."  I let out a breath, lip quivering as I imagined the worst case scenario.  Then I was just honest with her:  "I'm worried about you."

She nodded, looking away.  "Me too."

not much in the mood to write tonight, but some thoughts anyway

Vacation was supposed to be fun.  Here we were, celebrating my two weeks of sobriety from coke, but I didn't feel like I deserved it.  Now I knew the truth about Clo... I knew the whole story, not only from listening to her confession to Toby, but also hearing it directly from her mouth.  Her pleas for me not to tell Gabe or Izaak kept me up at night, wondering where my loyalties lie.  

Gabe, who had stopped talking to me for six years after I lied to him, but then offered me a way out of my fuck up, giving me a job and enough money to pay off my debts.  On some level he must have cared about me, right?  And loyalty was a big deal to him.  Keeping this secret now was criminal. 

But if loyalty was so important to him, wouldn't he understand me wanting to keep this secret for Clo?  

The other thing that kept me up at night was memories of her paying off Andy with that money she stole... I had been drunk and high off my ass, egging Andy on, inches away from him demanding one of his goons shoot me.  But would he have actually ordered that?  He did order them to go after Gabe... but we had more history than that.  Did he have a soft spot for me? 

All of this was on my mind all weekend, only numbed momentarily when drunk or high.  Funny how the weekend vacation to celebrate my sobriety was filled with mind altering substances.

I guess this is part of what made the cravings come back so strong.  Coke made me feel so powerful... so in control.  

violet + riley

I had been trying all day to get into the fucking memory card, with no luck.  The pressure from Gabe had lit a (literal and figurative) fire under my ass, prompting me to figure out some actual proof before our meeting Wednesday.  I didn't want to go in empty handed, but mostly I didn't want to take the chance of turning Clo in without proof.  

When I finally packed up for the day and headed out of the office, I made the executive decision to go to Dominic's.  The coke cravings were still real, despite the caning I'd received earlier.  I silently wondered if it would be possible to get a few bumps without anyone ever finding out.  Maybe I could even just get a little baggy?  I could hide it in the inner pocket of my suitcase... 

My thought was cut off by a text message.

What time are we meeting?

Ugh Gabe... setting me up a meeting with Toby as if I didn't have better things to do.  But I had to go, otherwise he would be suspicious of me and beat the truth out.  I hurriedly typed out a response — can i come now?

I didn't wait for a response before descending to the train platform heading in his direction.  At least maybe Toby could get me a prescription for Molly.

x-x-x-x

"You and Gabe all chummy now?  It's fuckin' weird, bro.  What's up with that?"

Toby's expression remained flat as he closed the door behind me.  "We're here to talk about you."