getting chloe's voice

Thinking about the past too much.  Missing my granny, missing Sage (my BFF and partner in crime), missing my old lifestyle.  Life with Izaak isn't bad.  His apartment is nicer than my granny's old house but I hate the way he looks at me with pity.  I'd much rather live alone again.  Then I could just experience my depression in my own way, without any kind of shame.

This apartment is too small.  Staying in a living room gets old after a while.  Even with the dividers it feels like there's no privacy.  If I'm behind closed "screens" all the time then Izaak starts to question things.  Then that look of pity.

I've been self-medicating with cheap weed I swiped from a guy at the club and chain smoking on Izaak's balcony after he falls asleep or while he's at work.  The last thing I need is another lecture from him about the perils of my bad habits.  It could be much worse.  I could give into my urges to return to my previous lifestyle.  

What I want to do is start searching again for men to take advantage of.  Wealthy corporate heads who like bossing me around.  Guys who wouldn't think twice of innocent little me, until I'm long gone with their credit cards and bank account info.  NYC is crawling with old men who deserve the pain I could bring them.  

But I've turned away from that life.  Coming to live with Izaak means that I can't go back.  Now I'm sorta on the grid.  He's keeping track of me again.  He would figure it out.  But mostly it's because of Sage and my granny.  Sage getting arrested because of me really threw me for a loop.  And my granny's dying wish was for me to straighten up and not turn into my dad.  

Haven't talked to anyone in my family since my granny's funeral.  Dad was there with an officer and handcuffs.  How shameful.  My uncles didn't speak to him, and only said a word or two to me.  The only conversation I had was with my one cousin, who promised to keep in touch (but who keeps promises anymore?).  It was a nice service.  I'm glad that I had the money to fund it.

Too bad the lifestyle isn't for me anymore.  I wish I could believe that.