another random scene

Restless. Uncomfortable. Sweaty. Just needed Gabe.

It was the first night without him at the beach house, and my 21st day of sobriety. We were all proud of me, I guess. There were all these hopes and expectations I'd had... like maybe I'd figure out my career path or be able to resolve my abandonment issues because I'm taking care of myself now... but the only thing I had to show was a streak of vivid weird dreams and a pit of loneliness that fueled cravings and self-hatred.

And now... Izaak choosing to sleep in the other room... did he hate me?

I tried to do that thing I'd do with my clients. "Why would he hate you?" "Because I suck." "What have you done that sucks?" And then I start listing everything off, which makes me just want weed more, and totally isn't where that therapy exercise is supposed to go. Which also sends me deeper into a spiral, but at least tonight I was able to stop it, because I am clearly not going to figure out my career even though I’ve been such a good girl with not smoking! So why can’t I do it again?

random future scene

[[not sure where I got this idea from... i think i was just thinking about what kind of scene in a restaurant would warrant being spanked in the car 😈... idk about this scene but i'm rusty and all the practice is good 😂]]

Gabe at the end of the table with that smug look on his face, I was just fucking sick of it by this point. All fucking week, bossing everyone around, acting like he's the king of the world, like we all have to listen to him. God. Give me Izaak any day.

"Earth to Riley. Finish your dinner." Ugh, his tone grated at my nerves.

"It's disgusting, I don't want anymore." For good measure, I pushed the plate aside, then went immediately back to scrolling through reddit posts about self-sustainable housing. Clearly I was ready to move off to a forest by myself. There was just too much peopling required in NYC.

it's been a minute

Molly looked on with extreme guilt, knowing that the reason I hadn't told Gabe about Clo was because of her. And I knew she was trying to step in and change her mind, get me to come clean now, but it wasn't the right time. And she's the one who brought up my rage about this in the first place, like telling me how the system always fucks over everyone. If she wanted me to tell Gabe, she should've said it from the beginning!

And in the moment, I didn't really clock the way Clo and the doc side-eyed each other. The unspoken tension between them. The way Clo shifted in her seat because she'd just gotten a spanking for the very thing I was trying to help her keep hidden.

And Izaak over there, completely oblivious to what was going on, noting my resistance and something "off," but not realizing it had anything to do with Clo.

The whole meeting was moderately tragic. The only upside was that we weren't the ones getting spanked this time... I got to cash in my bet.

Sergeant Douche... the man who always needed to be in powerful positions... the control-freak... the dude who tortured me for 48 hours straight with his ridiculous routine and healthy habits and all that bullshit that I secretly appreciated but outwardly hated every minute of. Here he was, about to submit to me, the fuck up, in front of everyone. I knew what he was giving up (emotionally) to be able to do this in front of everyone. He barely even spanked anyone before... had he even ever been spanked? The fact that he was willing to be vulnerable in front of everyone and let me swing the paddle on him... umm... kinda hott.

Trying to get back into writing…

I was in full-blown tantrum mode. There was a panic in my chest… how am I supposed to survive without work and without weed?? Peeking over my shoulder, I saw Gabe half-watching me as I shuffled through my drawers for clean clothes.

“Don’t even think about it,” he warned, as if he saw the hint of mischief in my eyes.

Gabe always was a good mind reader.

“What, are my impure thoughts also off limits?” My tone was as close as I could muster to how violet’s would be, but Gabe didn’t take the bait.

Staying out all night

“Where the hell have you been?” That’s how Jeremy greeted me when I sauntered in the front door at 8am.

“Out.” I kept my reply quick and tried to go to my room but he stepped in front of me.

“Out where? Justin was worried all night about you.”

“No one told him to worry.”

DNA part 2ish

(Started writing too late on my commute today so this will be basically nothing 💔)

I took a deep breath as the results flashed up on my screen. English, Scottish, Irish, Norwegian and German. I felt a heavy rock in my chest as I skimmed through the numbers, wondering how they knew this, what it all meant, if it was actually shedding light on who I am.

“Wow look,” Alexa said, shoving her phone under my nose to see her colorful map. “I literally am a mixture of everywhere.”

“Damn you really are…” I swallowed down my anxiety. “You’re 9% Egyptian?? I wonder if you have some royalty ancestors.”

“I doubt it,” she said with a laugh. “What are yours? Look you can break it down by parent!”

“My biological father is British and German.” My voice came out steady, but I paused a moment, staring at the screen.

“You okay?”

“Of course,” I said, “just trying to figure out what to look at next. Is this it?”

DNA

When my phone buzzed in my pocket, I’d almost forgotten the results I’d been obsessively checking for days, hoping they’d be ready earlier than predicted. When my teacher turned around, I checked my notifications, hiding my phone behind my classmates thick, wavy hair.

Ancestry.com: your results are ready!

My heart skipped a beat. I’d done the dna test because my friend, Alexa, was an ethnic smoothie and curious about her roots. Her parents had gotten a 2 for 1 deal, offering me the other, since I didn’t know anything about my dad. I pretended not to care about whatever I found out about my origins, but truthfully, I was nervous. I stared at the notification for a full minute before my teacher realized my lack of attention.

“Joeie, is there something you’d like to share with the class?”

Mrs. Hoffman was the bane of my existence. She had the tendency to tattle on me to my brother, Jeremy, since they knew each other from high school. I was not about to pretend like she deserved a nice answer from me. That lady could choke on an apple for all I cared.

Therapy session with Justin, part 2

I took a moment to process everything Justin had said.  Their mom's overdose -- how painful for the whole family.  Joeie never having a parent.  A kid having to help raise a kid.  I couldn't help but think of all the dysfunction they grew up in.  How Justin is probably doing his best but started so young, he had no idea what he was doing.

"Can you tell me more about your mom's death?"

Justin nodded, swallowing down a lump in his throat.  He looked away for a second, then reconnected with my eyes.  "We were living together... my mom, Joeie, and me.  I had stayed because I didn't trust my mom to fully care for Joeie... but Jeremy and Jonnie had gone.  Our mom nearly overdosed a few months before, but I was home and took care of it, administered the Narcan.  It scared Joeie so much that she begged our mom to get help, and she finally agreed.  She was inpatient for a little while and then going to this intensive outpatient program.  Everything was going so well."  Justin cleared his throat and adjusted himself in his seat.  "Then she relapsed.  I don't know what triggered it.  But I was too late that time."  He sucked in an uneasy breath, then pushed through.  "Joeie was young enough to have cried with me at first.  She had so many questions... I couldn't answer them.  Jeremy was there to help, too.  He never let us see him feel anything about it, but he didn't discourage Joeie's feelings.  Jonnie didn't go to the funeral.  He was pissed off at everything and in the height of his use.  It was a hard time for us though.  I worked on moving us out -- Jeremy helped me buy the house we're living in now, in a much better area.  Joeie made a friend in the neighborhood right away.  But that time was really difficult for me.  I don't think I was always the best guardian for her.  I'm glad Jeremy was there."

random scene

I recognized Jeremy's truck as soon as he drove into the skatepark's parking lot.  "Fuck," I muttered under my breath.  How did he know I was here?  He would've expected me to be in our local park, not Jersey City.

I skated up to him before he could get out and embarrass me in front of my new friends.  "What are you doing here?" kicking my skateboard up and holding it under my arm.

"Did you forget you're grounded?"

Groaning, I stomped my foot.  I had forgotten.  "Come on, it was just one low test grade, not that big of a deal."

"The agreement was to come home directly after school.  I had a feeling you'd be here.  In the truck.  Now."

"Wait, Jer.  At least let me say bye."

"Go.  If you take too long, I'll deal with you right here in front of them."

what if jeremy went in for a therapy session

"Hi, Jeremy?" I said to the lone man sitting in the waiting room, who had been sitting up straight as he typed out a message on his phone, but immediately looked up on my arrival.  He was my first appointment of the day, 11am, preferring to get this over with as early as possible (he would have done an earlier time if I had any).

He stood, gave me a firm handshake, and followed me quietly to my office.  

Upon arrival, he sat in the same seat Joeie had, near the door, far from me.  I could have guessed that by the lack of interaction so far.  My heart pounded inside my chest, remembering what Joeie had said about his "toxic masculinity" and "anger issues."  That's not my usual type of client.  

"Thanks for coming in," I said as I sat.

"Of course.  This was important to my family.  I can spare a few minutes of discomfort if it keeps my family together."

Interesting way of looking at it.  I got the sense that he just wanted to get down to business, not chit chat.  He would probably dodge my emotional questions and respond with logic.  Why was I so anxious around him?  "What's your understanding of everything going on with Joeie?"