another random scene

Restless. Uncomfortable. Sweaty. Just needed Gabe.

It was the first night without him at the beach house, and my 21st day of sobriety. We were all proud of me, I guess. There were all these hopes and expectations I'd had... like maybe I'd figure out my career path or be able to resolve my abandonment issues because I'm taking care of myself now... but the only thing I had to show was a streak of vivid weird dreams and a pit of loneliness that fueled cravings and self-hatred.

And now... Izaak choosing to sleep in the other room... did he hate me?

I tried to do that thing I'd do with my clients. "Why would he hate you?" "Because I suck." "What have you done that sucks?" And then I start listing everything off, which makes me just want weed more, and totally isn't where that therapy exercise is supposed to go. Which also sends me deeper into a spiral, but at least tonight I was able to stop it, because I am clearly not going to figure out my career even though I’ve been such a good girl with not smoking! So why can’t I do it again?

And also, why didn't he want to sleep with me?

As my thoughts drifted to memories of the past, you know, all the times I’d fucked up, I also had a snippet of a memory when I was packing up my backpack at home with Gabe, right before we came out here. He’d looked away long enough for me to sneak a vape pen in my backpack, sliding it into one of the secret zipped pouches, hidden under my laptop compartment. I’d all but forgotten about it… he hadn’t given me time to smoke really. We were together basically all day every day.

But now that it was Izaak… and since Izaak didn’t want to sleep with me… and I could hear his muffled snores through the walls. Maybe just a couple of hits off the vape pen wouldn’t hurt?

No, don’t do it! My conscience screeched.

Why not? It’s not like I’m going to go back to daily use. Gabe’ll be back tomorrow anyway, and I’d never get away with it with him here.

I rolled over in bed, glancing at my backpack in the corner.

But what if Izaak hears me?

He won’t hear anything. Cue that snore.

I propped myself up on my shoulder, wishing Gabe were here to stop me, but also slightly aware of this part of me that wanted Gabe to know I was doing this because he wasn’t here. That thought almost convinced me not to do it… but… the urges were too strong.

Rolling out of bed onto my toes, I pattered across the floor to my backpack, crouching down. I fingered the zippers, still aware of Izaak’s passionate breathing. Just a couple of hits. Just enough to feel it again. To sleep. It’ll be fine.

I had a flash of what it would be like if Izaak walked in mid-hit, and decided to take this to the bathroom.

I tiptoed down the hallway, eased the bathroom door shut, flipped on the light and perched on the side of the tub. There was a little tingling inside me, reminding me of sneaking weed with a friend as a teenager, totally unable to keep it together and eventually getting caught. I smiled at the thought, wondering how he was doing and what he would think of me now.

I shouldn’t do this.

I looked down at the device between my fingers. 21 days. Was I really about to give it up?

But Gabe left. And Izaak didn’t want to sleep with me. And it’s just one night. It’ll feel good. It’ll be worth it.

And then I brought it to my lips, sucked in, held it in my belly for a split second, then exhaled slowly, letting my eyes close as the weed drifted through my lungs to my brain and everything just… chilled.

Another. Need to indulge. Another. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

I sat on the edge of the tub, detached from myself, grinning stupidly, ignoring the guilt that was already forming in my gut. Something felt different. Quieter. I could hear the waves in the distance. The occasional cricket or whatever. Was something missing?

Click.

I nearly jumped out of my skin. Especially when footsteps started coming near. Even more when… knock knock… “Molly?”

“Yeah?!” My heart started racing. Oh shit oh shit oh shit…

“You okay? You’ve been in there a minute.”

“Yeah!” I pocketed the pen, flushed the toilet, sprayed some air freshener, armed myself with a lame joke about pooping, washed my face, stared at myself in the mirror long enough to know there’s no way Izaak wouldn’t know what I’d been doing, dried my face and took a deep breath. There was no going back now.

When I opened the door, Izaak stood there, leaning against the wall. It wasn’t even worth whatever lame joke I had concocted. I could tell by the look on his face that he knew. It was enough to almost make me break. Almost.

“You’re high.” Ok. So that’s all it took. Just an acknowledgment that he knew and the tears came so quick I almost thought they were real.

“I’m ssssorryyyyyy!” I wailed, going in for a hug.

Izaak stopped me, pulling my hands away from my face. “Where is it?” Oooof. He was mad. Really mad. That tone. It’s new on him… one he adopted since getting closer to Violet. Remind me to kill her later for that.

He also didn’t wait for me to tell him where it was, he just went to the pockets of my pajamas and found it immediately. Then he took me by the upper arm, me still crying dramatically and apologizing and begging him not to be mad at me, and dragged me towards [[somewhere… idk how to write this scene but i’m in the flow so i’ll come back one day]]. He laid the vape on the counter, then took the hammer and bashed it down three times, completely breaking it along with my heart.

“Izaak nooooooooo you didn’t have to do it like that,” I said, crying harder at my poor ruined vape pen.

“Oh, I didn’t? So you just fuck up three weeks of sobriety after nearly getting fired from your job and I’m supposed to just let it slide?” He tossed it in the recycle bin then led me to the living room, plopping down and letting me lean on him while I cried it all out. I could hear his heartbeat and deep breathing, as if he were Toby gathering his thoughts to figure out how best to approach me.