violet flashback

I sat in the backseat of Gabe's car staring at the flashing lights while he finished smoothing everything over with the cops for me.  Andy and his cousin, Leo, were in cuffs leaning against the trunk of the cop car, arguing with one of the officers.  The scene formed a pit in my stomach.  My ex-boyfriend and his crew had already caused enough drama, threatening me within inches of my life, calling immigration with lies about my brother, pulling a gun on Gabe... I should've learned my lesson already, but of course I hadn't.

The door opening snapped me out of my thoughts as Gabe plopped down next to me with a loud sigh.  His driver glanced back in the rearview mirror, waiting for the half nod from Gabe, signaling to head home.  The clock on the dashboard read 3:19am.

"Where's Molly?" I wondered aloud.

Gabe's sharp glare made me question if I had said something wrong.  "Home, where she should have been this whole time."  There was a fierce protectiveness as he said it, a side of him that rarely came out.

As the driver pulled into the empty Manhattan streets, I swallowed a lump in my throat, taking a few deep breaths to steady my racing heart.  Gabe's icy silence gave me all the information I needed — he was pissed and no amount of talking would get me out of this.  It was the longest 20-block ride I'd ever taken.

just trying to do this daily writing thing...

I woke up Sunday morning parched and with a pounding headache, instantly regretting my night of freedom.  As much as I hated Gabe's control, there were moments (like this) where I was thankful that he had stepped in when he did.  Who knows what kind of mess I would be in without him?

The hangover prevented me from wanting to roll out of bed, so instead I laid there and thought about everything that had happened over the last couple of days.  Realizing Clo was Pattie Cake, our late night meeting where she confessed, Andy's blackmail, Gabe and Izaak flipping out when they found out we went to Dominic's.  I was mad at myself for promising Clo that I'd keep shit quiet, regretting that decision almost in the exact moment that I made it, even though I owed her one.  I badly wanted to talk to Gabe — he would know how to fix it all.  But there was a part of me that feared that he would choose Winters over Clo.

It's his job to side with Winters. The same thing Clo had told me to convince me not to tell.  And the truth.

And it's my job to find Clo.  

My heart thumped inside my chest as I thought about keeping this knowledge from Gabe a second longer.  My loyalty should be to Gabe, not Clo... I barely even knew her... and she's a con artist!  Who knows how honest she was even able to be with me.  

eh, failed attempt

For the first time in months, I felt calm.  My focus solely on the art in front of me while Toby stayed close by, radiating a feeling of safety that I'd needed for a while.  It was different than how I felt with Izaak — my roommate would protect me at all costs, but his fierce loyalty to the FBI had me skeptical of where I stood.  Toby looked for a different kind of intimacy... he wanted to see every part of me, and accept all of those parts, regardless of whether I accepted myself.  He asked all the right questions, genuinely curious about my past, not allowing me to hide.  It was so refreshing, I almost wanted to confess everything to him.  Almost.

When our art was complete, I took a step back and looked it over.  "I feel like an official street artist now," I said with a grin, glancing over at Toby.  He was splattered with paint, all the way from his Vans up to his backward hat he always wore to running group.

trying to get back into writing

Violet's intensity was scaring me.  "Please don't tell anyone... just give me some time, I'll figure something out..."

"Bro," she began, shaking her head.  "I ain't promising shit.  How long you been a con artist?  I need the details."  

I ignored the way my stomach twisted in knots, straightening up and steadying my breathing.  "I'll tell you everything... just please... Gabe can't know... and Izaak..."

"You really think Sergeant Douche is that clueless?"  She cocked an eyebrow, folding her arms as she leaned back, giving me a glare that sent a chill down my spine.

He has to be, I thought, or he wouldn't still keep me around, right? "It started when my granny got sick..."

"Don't play the pity card," she warned, taking a sip of her drink but urging me to continue.

"I don't need your pity."  The conviction in my voice surprised both of us.  I cleared my throat.  "She needed care that I couldn't provide.  There aren't many quick way to make money... and you've seen me, there's no way I could pull off being a drug dealer."

"What about dear ol' dad?  He didn't have his own con money to share?"

I shook my head.  "He was already in jail.  All his resources had been used up for a legal defense, which obviously didn't work it.  It was just granny and me.  I was like 20... working shitty part time jobs."

"Izaak had already left."  Framed more as a statement, but I nodded anyway.  "Would you have done it if he hadn't?"

"Who knows.  I was desperate and men are usually easy to trick."

Family meeting, Toby loses his shit

(Written by ChatGPT, but I wanted to save this somewhere) The silence was unbearable. My confession sat heavy in the air, poisoning everything. I couldn’t look up. Couldn’t breathe. I just sat there, small and trembling, wishing I could disappear. Toby’s voice cut through like a blade. “You did what?” I flinched. His chair scraped back as he stood abruptly, the sound sharp and jarring. My eyes stayed fixed on the floor, my stomach twisting. “Say it again.” I didn’t. “Look at me, Molly.” His voice left no room for refusal. I forced my gaze up, and the anger on his face knocked the breath out of me. “You forged my name?” Toby’s voice rose, incredulous. “You stole my credentials and lied about it?” “I’m—I’m sorry, Toby,” I whispered, my voice breaking. Toby let out a bitter laugh, pacing like he couldn’t contain the frustration vibrating off him. “You’re sorry? That’s it? That’s all you have to say?” I couldn’t respond. My throat felt locked tight. And that made him snap. “Of course you’re sorry. That’s how this always goes, isn’t it? You screw up, you cross the line, and then you sit there—like this—waiting for someone to come and rescue you!” “Enough, Toby,” Gabe said firmly from his seat. “Calm down.” But Toby ignored him, his focus locked on me. “That’s all this is, Molly. You screw up, and then you wait for someone to swoop in and pull you out of the mess you made. That’s what you want, isn’t it?” “That’s not fair!” Violet burst out, her voice sharp and protective. She shot up from her seat, stepping toward Toby like she might physically stop him. “Back off, Toby! You don’t get to talk to her like that.” “Stay out of this, Violet,” Toby snapped, his frustration boiling over. “Like hell I will!” she shot back, glaring at him. “You’re being a dick, and we all know it. Molly doesn’t need this shit right now—” “She doesn’t need this?” Toby turned on her now, his voice louder, angrier. “She needs to hear the truth! She’s not some helpless kid, even if she wants to act like it!” “That’s enough,” Gabe said, his voice colder this time. He stood, his tall frame adding authority to the room. “Toby, sit down.” But Toby didn’t stop. “No! She sits there crying because she wants someone to punish her, someone to fix it for her, so she doesn’t have to sit with what she’s done. And you—” he gestured sharply to Violet—“you’re just enabling it!” “Excuse me?” Violet shot back, taking another step closer, her face flushed with anger. “Stop it,” Gabe said again, stepping between them now. “Both of you.” He turned to Violet. “You’re not helping.” Violet crossed her arms, but she stopped. Barely. Toby, however, turned his fire back on me. His voice cracked, raw and unfiltered. “You like this, don’t you, Molly? Sitting there feeling small and broken so someone else can put you back together. That’s what you want. Rescued, punished, forgiven—like nothing ever happened. But that’s not how this works. You don’t get to just cry it out and move on.” “Toby,” Izaak said, his voice low and steady, but it carried a quiet force. “You need to stop. Now.” Toby ignored him, his words spiraling. “You’re not helpless, Molly. You choose to act like this. But here’s the truth: nobody’s coming to save you. You have to save yourself.” The silence that followed was deafening. I sat there, frozen, tears falling silently down my face. I didn’t fight back. I couldn’t. “Toby,” Izaak said again, stepping closer now, his voice calm but unyielding. “You’ve said enough. Leave.” Toby’s chest heaved, and for a moment, I thought he might argue. But then his face twisted, and he turned sharply, grabbing his jacket and storming out. The door slammed behind him so hard it rattled the windows. Violet was still fuming, pacing in front of the couch. “What the hell is his problem? Who the fuck does he think he is?” “Violet,” Gabe said sharply, turning to face her. “Enough.” She scowled, throwing her hands up. “I’m not the one who just tore Molly apart!” “No, but you’re not helping by escalating him,” Gabe said, his tone cutting through her fire. “Sit down.” Violet grumbled but flopped onto the couch, her arms crossed. I didn’t look up. My tears kept falling, silent and steady. My chest felt hollow, and Toby’s words rang in my head on repeat. “Molly…” Gabe’s voice was quieter now, more careful. “Toby was out of line. You know that, right?” I nodded faintly, but the guilt wouldn’t lift. He wasn’t wrong. Izaak crouched in front of me, his voice soft but firm. “Molly. Look at me.” I forced myself to meet his eyes. They weren’t angry. Just steady and serious. “You made a mistake. That doesn’t mean you’re helpless. Don’t let him make you believe that.” I nodded again, the lump in my throat too big to speak. “We’ll deal with Toby,” Gabe said quietly, his voice calmer now. “You’re not alone in this. But you need to talk to us, Molly. Sitting with the guilt and not letting us in won’t fix anything.” I nodded once more, but the weight of everything still sat heavy in my chest. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to take it all back. And I knew I couldn’t.

Violet and Izaak convo after everyone knows

“Do you miss her?” I wanted to know, gazing out at the river from our seat on the bench at Astoria park. He didn’t respond immediately, which was normal for Izaak, but cause me to glance at him for a moment. He was looking at me, eyebrows cocked in confusion, wondering where the hell that question came from. “Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?” I appreciated his vulnerability, rather than acting like the tough macho guy I’d first thought he was. “Why though? She’s a fucking liar.” Izaak looked away, wanting to argue but, being a master of self-control, didn’t allow himself. “Chloe is… has been… a good friend.” “How? You barely even talked to her for a couple of years!” The memory of Gabe abandoning me still stung… It was hard to keep the passion out of my voice. “Even without regularly communicating, I kept an eye on her. I protected her from afar.” “But what does she bring to relationships besides deceit?” Izaak nodded, ready to turn this back on me. “You’re still upset at how she hid her true identity from you.” I didn’t want to take the bait… I wanted to keep interrogating him… but my feels got the best of me. “Obviously. I don’t know what or who to believe anymore. As if it’s not already hard enough to trust people, she just made it worse. Bro, I opened up to her, shared some dark shit, and she just lied. Didn’t reciprocate. I’m trying to make nice with her for Molly's sake, but also wanna kick her to the curb.” I sighed. “But it’s not my apartment, so not my call. I guess I need to get the fuck out.” We sat in silence for a moment, watching a couple of squirrels chasing each other. Then Izaak spoke in a low, understanding tone. “Everything wasn’t a lie. There are parts of who you saw that were actually authentically her. She’s a good friend in the sense that she really sees you. She’s curious about people and brings that to her friends. She can sense when you’re hurting and wants to make it better. She picks up on subtleties, like if you don’t want to talk about it and prefer to exert your control over her so you can feel powerful again. She knows what’s missing and helps you become whole again.”

my therapy session with violet

Violet sauntered into my office with an anxious energy, but there was a hint of something more positive that I couldn't quite put my finger on.  "How has your week been?" I wondered aloud as she plopped across from me, dropping her bag onto the floor next to her.  

"Bro, so much has happened," she exclaimed, bringing her feet into the chair to sit cross-legged.  "Where do I even begin?"  I stayed silent, waiting for her to gather her thoughts.  Finally, she sighed and looked out the window at the Manhattan skyline.  "Okay, I guess I can start with Clo.  Remember Clo?" she asked, looking at me suddenly with an intensity in her eyes.

"Of course, she's part of the 'family,' went with you to Seattle, has a crush on Toby..."

Violet smiled, appreciating my memory for random details.  "Yes.  Do you remember any other stuff?  Or did you get any impression of her?  Anything off about her?"

I raised my eyebrows.  "She's the newest addition to your friend group, like a recent transplant, right?  Maybe it's a little strange how quickly she assimilated to your group dynamics, but seems like she could just be adaptable and maybe it wasn't actually as quick as it felt to us..."

"Adaptable!"  Violet shook her head in disappointment, anger spreading across her face.

"What is it?"

Violets relapse… idk about this scene

[[got interrupted while writing this and couldn’t get back in the flow. May try again later]] “Esperanza!” I was so far into my mind and angry feels about Andy that I didn’t even notice the black suburban pull up next to me until Izaak startled me out of the daze. “Shouldn’t you be takin’ care of Clo?” I spat, looking straight ahead as I walked through the darkness. He wasn’t going to stop me from my mission. He inched up the truck to keep up with me. “She asked — insisted — that I come check on you to make sure you aren't doing anything stupid. Which judging by that baseball bat in your hand, I caught you just in time.” “Fuck off, Izaak. I don’t need a babysitter.” I swear I could hear his exasperated sigh over the distant sirens and highway traffic. “Where exactly are you going?” “None of your business,” I hissed. “Go home and take care of your girl.” That last statement was enough to make him pull over and turn off the car, allowing me to get a half-block away before he jogged to catch up with me. “Hey,” he said, almost gently, touching my arm and finally getting me to stop. My eyes narrowed at him. “Please just go.” “Where are you going?” He asked again, eyebrows raised. For a moment I imagined how easy it would be to escape, wondering why I didn’t threaten him with the bat (would he win that confrontation?) or exclaim that I could scream his following me out was unwelcome. But even in my coke-induced fury, I still had a soft spot for him, thanks to the last few weeks of us growing closer. Izaak took my hesitation as his cue to start putting the pieces together. “Pupils dilated, runny nose, restlessness, irritability… you relapsed. And now you’re heading in the opposite direction of Dominic’s, but when I drove past there Andy was outside, so you must be on the way to destroy his property.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m always irritable, you can’t prove anything.” “Do I even want to know what’s in that backpack?” I stepped back, not wanting him anywhere near the drugs I’d stolen from Andy. There was enough in there to get me locked up for intent to distribute, and if that’s gonna happen I better be rich as fuck. Izaak sensed it and just nodded, face falling in disappointment. “Violet, don’t do this,” he said, almost begging. “It’s too late. Andy fucked with me for the last fucking time.”

Molly helping out Toby’s nephew

As Chase stepped through the door, looking downtrodden and shut off from the world, I remembered the text I’d received from Toby’s sister a couple of hours ago. He’s taking the breakup really hard, she’d written. I don’t know what to do. I think it’s bringing up past abandonment shit with his bio parents. Tristen and her wife had adopted Chase about ten years ago, when he was 6, old enough to know that his parents had abandoned him but too young to know how to express his feelings about it. They’d taken him to therapy several times in the past, but he rarely took to his therapists, preferring to lock his emotions up rather than open the wound again.

“Hey you,” I said with a half smile, opening the door wider for him. “Come on in.”

Chase eyed me suspiciously before shuffling inside, b-lining straight for my room. He found Crackers snuggled up on the sofa and instantly plopped next to her, waiting for her approval before scratching behind her ears.

I took a seat beside him, waiting.

Violet & Izaak dinner

[[[Apparently this LiveJournal just turned 5 years old!  wtf.  i've been working on this series way too long.]]]

x-x-x

"Clo's still gone?" I asked Izaak as I emerged from the bathroom, freshly showered and wrapped up in one of his gigantic fluffy towels, hair still dripping.  

"She says she's working on art school applications," he said, not looking up from his laptop.  

My arms folded.  "She didn't even have the decency to tell me she was applying to art school!" I grumbled, wondering what facts I even knew about her.  

"Get dressed.  Let's go out to dinner."

"Without her?"

Izaak closed his laptop and set it aside, standing and coming towards me.  "I invited her, but she said she's already eaten.  But I'm sure you've noticed, when she gets stressed, her eating habits become an issue."

"What does she have to be stressed about?" I sarcastically wondered aloud, hoping he'd give me intel to help with my case.

Nope.  "You like Greek food?"

"Sure," I said as he walked past me towards the bathroom for his own shower.   "Way to ignore my question..." I called after him as he reminded me to get ready and slammed the door almost in my face.

Oh well, maybe I could get some info from him at dinner.