Violet sauntered into my office with an anxious energy, but there was a hint of something more positive that I couldn't quite put my finger on. "How has your week been?" I wondered aloud as she plopped across from me, dropping her bag onto the floor next to her.
"Bro, so much has happened," she exclaimed, bringing her feet into the chair to sit cross-legged. "Where do I even begin?" I stayed silent, waiting for her to gather her thoughts. Finally, she sighed and looked out the window at the Manhattan skyline. "Okay, I guess I can start with Clo. Remember Clo?" she asked, looking at me suddenly with an intensity in her eyes.
"Of course, she's part of the 'family,' went with you to Seattle, has a crush on Toby..."
Violet smiled, appreciating my memory for random details. "Yes. Do you remember any other stuff? Or did you get any impression of her? Anything off about her?"
I raised my eyebrows. "She's the newest addition to your friend group, like a recent transplant, right? Maybe it's a little strange how quickly she assimilated to your group dynamics, but seems like she could just be adaptable and maybe it wasn't actually as quick as it felt to us..."
"Adaptable!" Violet shook her head in disappointment, anger spreading across her face.
"What is it?"
"This bitch. I think she might have been lying to us all the whole time." Despite Violet's pause, I didn't respond, waiting for her to elaborate. "This case I've been doing, right? Did I tell you about that? The one Gabe gave me to save my ass." I nodded, urging her to continue. "I think Clo is involved in it. Like I think she's a con artist. And you say she seemed adaptable, which would totally fit with a con artist profile, right? I dunno... Molly said I don't have enough info yet, so I'm trying not to jump to conclusions... what do you think?"
"What do I think about what?"
"Is she a con artist? I know you can't answer that. But I wish you could. I wish you could just tell me what to do... or someone could tell me what to do." She paused, looking out the window again in silent reflection.
"You're feeling burdened with a responsibility that you don't feel equipped enough to handle on your own, but you also feel alone, like there's no one to really help you out with it?"
Violet solemnly nodded. "Yeah. But it shouldn't be like that. Supposedly I have this whole family now... the 'family I never had' ya know? Molly, Toby, and Gabe have practically beaten the idea into me that I'm not alone, that I can count on them. And I talked to Molly, but..." she trailed off, unsure how to end that sentence.
"It sounds like you might not agree with Molly's advice?"
"I dunno. It seemed like solid advice. Like I needed more info, more proof... don't get Clo into trouble until we know for sure. I agree with that part of her advice." I stayed quiet, allowing Violet to think and gather words to describe her inner experience. "Something just felt off about her."
"Off in what way?"
"Molly's been goin' through it lately. She's got this jerk-off boyfriend who triggers all of Molly's abandonment stuff."
"You're thinking that Molly's advice might have come from a place of her own abandonment fears rather than what's objectively the best decision?"
"Hmm.... maybe." Violet considered it for a moment. "It's unlike her to tell me not to communicate with Gabe about something. And last time I kept something this big from Gabe, it ended pretty badly..."
I nodded, remembering the story of the confrontation and the impact it had on Violet.
"She also gave me this vape pen that I've been sucking on too much since Friday... well, except over the weekend," she said with a devilish grin. Despite that we probably needed to stay on the topic of Violet feeling overly responsible, I couldn't help but ask about her sudden change in mood. "I stayed with Izaak this weekend... and Clo. Which believe me, staying with her while hiding my suspicions was the hardest fucking thing ever."
"What was hard about it?"
"You know me... I'm too honest. I even did ask her at some point if she is the person I'm looking for."
I tried to hide my surprise. "You asked her? How did that go?"
Violet shrugged. "Eh, she gave me a non-answer and changed the subject. Was hard to tell if she was legit offended or just trying to steer me in the wrong direction. I'ma be pissed as fuck if she's been lying this whole time."
"What will piss you off about that?"
"It would mean she's fucking fake. She infiltrated our group with her lies." Seeing the expression on my face, Violet said, "What? Ugh, I can see you disagree and want to challenge me. Go ahead, let 'er rip."
I couldn't help but smile at my favorite client's genuineness. "If Clo is lying, you wouldn't feel any compassion for her?"
"Pssh, compassion?? Why?"
"Why might I feel compassion for her?"
"Cuz you're a shrink? You gotta feel compassion for everyone. Why would I feel compassion?"
"You know what it's like to be scared and hiding and needing a friend."
She rolled her eyes at me, not even trying to be subtle about it. "Yeah, but I'm at least honest about it."
"Yes, you have different defenses than she does. But why do you think she's lying?"
"Because she's a pussy," Violet said with a laugh. Then seeing my lack of amusement, added, "fiiiiine, because she's scared. I get it, but it's hard to have compassion for that shit."
"What makes it so hard for you? What's it like when someone is dishonest with you?"
She shifted in her seat. "It makes me feel like I'm a dumbass for believing her bullshit. And I guess it fucks with my control issues."
Her words hung in the room in silence, and I took a moment to internally appreciate Violet's progress during our therapy work together. A few months ago, she never would've been able to sit in that silence.
It didn't last for long. "I guess Clo's lies remind me of all the lies I was told growing up, like that my parents would always be there, that family is safe, even stuff with Vic, like when I needed him and he was so preoccupied with school. All the fucking lies, bro."
Before she could continue, I stopped her. "What does that feel like in your body?"
"At first it's in my stomach, like a pit, or something dropping, then it kinda moves into my chest, like my heart's on fire or something, and then it goes to my arms like I wanna fight somebody, kick some ass. Bro, I wanna tell you about my weekend with Izaak..."
I stopped her from continuing again. "We'll get there. First let's just notice these sensations. Let's just acknowledge them and sit with them and let them be there. Let's not fight or push them away."
It seemed to take everything in her not to groan and tell me to fuck off. But she obeyed, letting me guide her through the meditative practice of accepting her emotions rather than reacting to them.
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