"Raise your hips," he ordered, and I felt a pillow brush up against my tummy. He didn't wait for me to follow his directions (which is a good thing because I wasn't going to), lifting me up to thrust the pillows under, then molded me into the position he wanted. "Open your eyes!"
Ughh... more feelings were coming back. Numbness tried to fight, but it didn't work. Gabe's booming voice was kind of scary. Now he was definitely talking to me like he would Violet. My tummy did not like it. Eyes stayed closed.
So he grabbed my chin and gave it a little shake until I glared at him. He was closer to me than allowed with social distancing measures, and I was about to tell him that, but he didn't give me time. "Do you remember the penalty?" His fingers were tight around my chin to make sure that I could see the disappointment in his eyes as he spoke.
"I was a kid when we set up that rule, still a noob in the scene. I'm not scared anymore." My limit had been the cane... the scariest implement I could think of. My mind always went back to third grade when a teacher explained canings in Singapore... it still gave me a bad feeling in my tummy, even though I'd seen enough canings to know they weren't as scary as my childhood self thought it'd be.
"It's going to hurt just as much as that kid thought it would, I can guarantee that. She would be really disappointed in your behavior."
"No she wouldn't. She expected this to happen."
"We made that rule for a reason. Do you even remember or is your brain too fried with that shit."
Ouch, that kind of hurt and normally would've made me cry. But numbness took over again and responded with, "whatever," and I closed my eyes, trying to bury my face back into the pillow.
Gabe let go of my chin, but I heard a sharp exhale that told me he was frustrated. Then the door creaked open and he stormed out. He didn't bother closing it, which made me feel a little exposed and my heart began pounding again. I'd never talked to him like this... never had the courage to talk to anybody like this really, not even the douchebags that deserved it, like my abusive ex or my shitty mother. In a better headspace, I would've analyzed that, but instead I just focused on my pounding heart, feeling alive, but wanting to go back to sleep.
A squeal from the living room echoed down the hallway. It was Violet, because right afterwards I heard her shout "fuck off!" And a few seconds later, Gabe's footsteps coming towards me.
The door slammed shut and then I heard the woosh of the stingy implement. It sent a chill down my spine.
"I brought this for Violet. The thought of using it on you never crossed my mind."
I wanted the numbness to stay but noticed it fading as the stick rested on my bare bottom. A tiny whimper escaped from my lips.
"Do you have anything to say for yourself, Young Lady?"
He wanted me to apologize, but I didn't feel remorse. "I didn't do anything wrong. Life is meaningless, work is stupid, being sober is painful."
In a flash, the cane lifted and wooshed again, then bit into my skin. I didn't feel anything at first, but then a sting spread across my butt in a straight line. Ouch! "If the bathbrush doesn't get through to you, maybe this will." Then the next woosh and bite.
I flinched at the pain. Yup, I was starting to feel it loud and clear. The numbness was leaving.
"Do you really think it's okay to test me like that?"
"It's not testing."
"Then what the hell is it?" he asked, landing the next lash across my sit spots.
He gave me a few seconds to respond, but I didn't, trying to breathe and bring the numbness back. Having feelings sucks. It's too overwhelming. The emotions take over and I get too involved in others' lives, empathy affecting me to the core. I fucking hate it.
"Answer me." The cane descended again, and that time I finally squeaked a little.
"I just wanted to smoke more."
"That's more important than the agreement we made?"
"Yes."
Another irritated exhale, then the cane landed not once, nor twice, but three times right after another. Quick and stingy. It was enough to make me wiggle in discomfort. "Be still," he commanded before giving me three more at the same force and intensity, this time on my thighs. "You wanted to act like a tough girl earlier, so now accept the punishment that those little 'badasses' get." Three more.
I had to bite into the pillow to prevent myself from crying out too much, then said, "I am a tough girl."
I think I heard a chuckle, but it was short lived because I got distracted by the cane again, followed by words that were punctuated with swats (or whatever) every so often. "So now you're a tough girl, huh? Is that why you've been holed up in here for two months, stoned out of your mind, blowing off work? Because you're so tough?"
There wasn't really an answer to that and I was biting onto the pillow again, still not ready to give into the tears.
"Why are you blowing off work?"
I expected another stroke with the cane, but he had paused so I could respond. But I was finally at the stage where I knew my answers would piss him off, and was somewhat trying to avoid it. What a weird headspace to be in. So I just didn't say anything... until he whacked me on the thighs and demanded that I answer. The words that spilled out: "Because I suck."
As predicted, he didn't approve, and I was met with the hardest blow so far, which caused me to yelp and reach back. "Hands in front of you, tough girl." And when I didn't move fast enough, he poked at my hand with the cane. "We won't be finished here until I see tears, so I suggest you let your guard down or find something to hold onto, because you definitely don't want me to accidentally cane your hand."
Squirming, I moved my hands out of the way, tucking them under the pillow and squeezing them together. Then I muttered, "I don't wanna cry."
But of course, at that moment his mind was set on making it happen, and even though time has no meaning, it definitely didn't take long for me to start bawling.
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