when violet met izaak

(just daydreaming about what this would look like 🤔 )

summer 2013

Toby was always busy.  He didn't have time or energy for me, which made sense anyway since I couldn't keep my anger and attention-seeking behavior at bay.  Work was stressful, triggering flashbacks of my parents getting arrested, or of my dad's heart attack last summer.  Usually Toby would've been able to help me relax, but he just had bigger priorities.

It hadn't been a total surprise when he dropped me, but I still threw a tantrum (and a few objects at him) even though he stayed so fucking calm and reasonable.  That just made me fly off the handle more.

I almost immediately went to the internet to look for a spanker.  I posted ads on lots of different sites, whatever existed back then:  "Brat looking for a Top, must be serious and able to deal with my bullshit."  I probably added a few more passive aggressive details, and then proceeded to meet with nearly everyone who responded.  

Most people weren't worth the time of day.  Izaak was filed away as someone for Molly, because I could feel his genuineness from the beginning.

His response to my ad was well-written and thoughtful.  I was attracted to the fact that he wasn't white, and I automatically assumed that he'd understand my situation better.  I also liked that he wasn't a native English-speaker, yet his grammar and spelling were perfect.  His vocabulary also gave off the aura of intelligence, though it was obvious he leaned more conservative, which was a turn off.  He was so vague about his work at first, all I really knew was that he was military, which gave me the strongest feelings — he's too pro-government.

I was 19... in the heart of my anarchist days.  His profession made us impossible from the beginning.

Still hurt from Toby, I pushed the logic away, agreeing to meet him for lunch before deciding if we'd session.  It was his idea to wait so long before sessioning... we must've chatted for a good two weeks before my pestering him to meet finally paid off.  

From the second we made eye contact, I could feel it going south.  He was much sexier than Toby — large build, impressive muscle mass, and mysterious almost-black eyes that held wisdom.  He'd seen things most people hadn't.  Which made him kind of a control freak, and in my opinion, sexist.  He was probably just being a 'gentleman', but holding the door open for me, speaking first to the hostess and server, controlling the conversation, trying to order my food... it pissed me off.  

So I started acting out in the only way my immature brain knew — poking fun at his religion and affiliation with the government.  Ugh, he was so much nicer to me than I deserved, taking my concerns seriously and giving sincere responses.  But in that moment he just represented everything that had fucked up my entire life.  He may as well have deported my parents himself.

The thing is, as much as he triggered my rage, we were also able to have some positive conversation.  He asked about Toby and Molly, and I subtly hinted that they should meet.  We shared stories of funny chat experiences, or being hated on for being brown.  

Then the server came to ask about dessert, and I had to act an ass.  Well, Sergeant Douche had to be bossy, responding that we didn't want any, but I can't keep my mouth shut and demanded to see the menu.  And since he was paying, my asshole side decided I should order 3 different slices of pie.  Most dates would just give me a dirty look and never speak to me again.  Sergeant Douche tried to argue that I shouldn't waste food, nor eat all of that sugar.  The server looked confused and it was mildly entertaining, but I didn't pay attention my sense of humor.  Instead I raged on him about being bossy.

It was awkwardly silent as I ate most of the dessert, but when I couldn't finish it, he shook his head and told the server to pack it up for me to go.  I could tell he was disgusted with me, which was exactly the way I felt about him.  But I also felt some kind of pit inside me because I guess I knew he would've been good for me if I wasn't such an asshole.

He still walked me to the train, sending me off with a, "this didn't go very well."  We agreed that it wasn't going to work out but he was cool with me setting him up with Molly.