exercising my writing muscle

Toby's vibe sent a chill down my spine as I followed him into his office, trying to talk my anxiety down before it spiraled out of control.  "Is everything okay?"  Instead of answering, he directed me to sit as he closed the door behind us, which didn't help me feel any better.  The silence suffocated me as I waited for him to take the seat in front of me.  He wouldn't look me in the eyes...  "Toby... you're scaring me... what happened?"

He cleared his throat and finally looked up.  "Your client's mom is accusing you of being 'on something' during a session."

My heart skipped a beat then sank into my stomach, sizzling with self-hatred.  "W-what?  Why does she think that?"  Gabe's voice was embedded into my brain, reminding me never to admit to something without evidence, but I was ready to burst into tears, apologizing.  I swallowed back a lump in my throat.

"Listen," Toby said, leaning forward and now making fierce eye contact that made me want to squirm away.  "This isn't easy..."

My body turned to ice, suddenly wondering if this was a nightmare and trying to find a way to wake myself up.... 

"You and I both know the truth.  And I can't..." he paused and looked away for a second.  I'd never seen Toby struggle so much to find words.  "I can't allow it to continue.  I think you should take a break from being a therapist."

"Is that a request... or a demand?"

Random Toby/vic scene in my mind (from the past)

“I’m just feeling so insecure.”

Vic cocked his head to the side, not really computing Toby’s statement. “About what?”

“It’s a lot of responsibility.. peoples lives are in my hands… I can’t fuck up.” Sweat beaded on his forehead as his mind spiraled into the worst case scenario… losing a patient because of carelessness.

Unaware of his friends anxiety, vic chuckled a little. “Bro, you shouldn’t have let your narcissism decide your career!”

Toby knew he was joking, but it rubbed him the wrong way. “That’s so invalidating,” he said, eyebrows crinkled disapprovingly. “Now I understand why Violeta’s emotional intelligence is nonexistent.”

There was a tense silence as Toby instantly regretted his words and tried to take them back…

“I didn’t mean that…”

Vic isn’t the fighting type, valuing harmony instead, but couldn’t help being a little snappy and defensive in response. “Yes you did.”

“I shouldn’t have said it… that was out of line.”

“You’re right, you shouldn’t have. And you’re right that I was being invalidating. If I’m being honest, it’s strange for me to think of a privileged straight white boy feeling insecure about work. But I guess you are human, even if you act like a robot sometimes.”

Toby gave an uncomfortable laugh at Vic’s lame joke. Then before Vic could continue babbling, Toby looked him in the eyes and said, “I’m not straight.” He turned like a million different shades of red, but didn’t break his friends gaze.

Vic’s heart jumped a little. He’d kinda known this already, and felt a little relieved at the confession, but tried not to let it show. “Okay, well you’re still a white dude. Lots of privilege wrapped up there.”

“And still allowed to feel insecure,” Toby insisted.

Vic playfully rolled his eyes. “Fine, I hereby validate your feelings, sir Toby.” He made a gesture as if knighting him (or whatever it’s called), then got serious. “But for real, you’re gonna be fine. Your heart is in the right place and that’s all that matters.”

“My heart is located in my thoracic cavity, just like every other human. That doesn’t mean I won’t fuck up.”

“Oh you’ll definitely fuck up, especially if you take shit so literally like that. But you’ll learn from your fuck ups and become even better, then help even more people. It’s all part of the process. But you know that already, right? Cuz if you don’t… maybe shrinking isn’t the job for you…”

Now was Toby’s turn to eye roll, even though he felt a deep admiration for Vic. There was something about his vibe… the way Vic just enjoyed life without being too careless, the way he took care of his family without feeling obligated…. Vic seemed perfect… normally a red flag… but their relationship felt… right.

Random past toby/tristen

“Tristen, what’s going on?”

“Nothing you’d understand.”

“Try me.”

I rolled my eyes at my big brother, continuing to walk towards the train station and ignore his request.

Toby’s persistent though. He reached for my shoulder to stop me from walking too far ahead, then looked me in the eyes. Worry lines were etched into his brow. “What I meant is, I’ll try to understand as best as I can. I genuinely want to know. No judgments.”

My eyebrows raised. “Promise?”

With a half smile he thrusted out his hand to shake on it.

I felt silly recounting my minuscule teenager problems, a voice in my head calling me dramatic every ten seconds as I shared complaints about mom. I’m supposed to be grateful I even have a family, a roof over my head, food on the table. Same lines fed by my parents day after day, somehow now embedded into me.

“It’s not supposed to be like this. Moving was supposed to be good for everyone… mom was going to be able to take care of her health better… dads back so we’re like an actual family…” I paused, swallowing back tears because even I’m not that dramatic. “But it’s like nothing has changed. Nothing fucking changed. It’s the same shit, different location. Dads ‘sobriety’ lasted two seconds. Moms manic trying to make everything perfect for him and forgetting about me. It’s just not fair. Parents suck.”

There was a pause as we boarded the subway, and I noticed myself holding my breath, waiting for Toby to feed me the same bs all the adults always did. “Oh they didn’t mean it” or “life isn’t fair” or “cheer up, kid, it’s not so bad!”

My brother isn’t like all the other adults, though. “You were expecting to finally have this picture perfect family that you’ve been waiting for all this time… and now you’re disappointed because they’ve proven to you, once again, you’ll never get that.”

Cue those tears I’d been avoiding earlier.

Toby wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me against his chest for a hug. I pressed my face into his t shirt, wanting to hide from everyone.

“Sorry, I’m such a baby,” I muttered.

“It’s okay to be a baby sometimes.”

A street musician entered the train cart and belted out an acoustic song in Spanish, then held his cowboy hat out for tips. Toby reached into his pocket and tossed a $5 bill to the man.

I peeled myself away from the hug and wiped my eyes, now feeling a little calmer.

“Does Tanya’s diagnosis make you nervous?”

My tummy flinched. “Why would that make me nervous? Nothing we can do about it, it is what it is.”

“It could make you nervous that something similar could happen to you, or it could make you feel powerless in general I guess.”

My eyes widened, then I pulled my feet up in my seat, hugging my knees against my chest. The diagnosis had been shocking and depressing, not only prompting my parents spirals, but clearly also my own. “At first I just tried to stay positive about it, maybe in a toxic way. Blind faith. What religious people talk about. But obviously god isn’t real. Nothing I’ve ever stayed positive about has worked out. It’s just disappointment over and over again.. ever since I can remember.”

Toby placed a hand on my shoulder. “You were born into chaos. Staying positive has been the way you’ve survived all the bullshit… and sounds like now it’s starting to do the opposite.”

I nodded. “Life sucks. When can it just be over?”

He let out a slight chuckle. “Some people say after this life is over, you have to go through it all again in another body.”

My eyes narrowed at him. “What the fuck, no way. We don’t believe in that shit.” It was nice to see him laughing though. He’d been so stressed out too. “If you actually become a shrink one day, that’s gonna be how you save a suicidal person. Remind them they might have to do this all over again. Fuck. That.”

We had a good laugh about that, letting our creativity take over for a while, making meaning out of our tragedy.

As we walked up the stairs to our apartment, Toby stopped me for a second. “Hey, I don’t want to be called in to pick you up from school again about stealing art supplies.”

“Allegedly.”

“I’m not dumb, Tristen,” he said in a firm enough voice to make me gulp. “I’m here for you no matter what, but steal again and there will be consequences, got it?”

I blushed, hoping no one had heard. “Yeah yeah, I hear you, no stealing, yada yada.”

He gave me a light swat on the bottom. “I mean it. We don’t need the school to call child services again.” He paused, realizing how much responsibility he was putting on me. “At least we don’t need them to be called over this, right? If you want art supplies, I’ll reward good behavior.”

With a sigh, I resisted the urge to correct him again — no one had evidence of me stealing! — and just agreed. “I’ll be a perfect angel 😇.”

More polyhouse

“Any other stuff to discuss?” Molly asked as she wrapped up the family meeting.

Izaak raised his hand. “Somebody has been leaving the front door open when they come in at night.”

Everyone looked at Violet. “What the fuck, why’s everyone always blame me for shit?”

“Because it was probably you,” Toby responded flatly.

“Yeah you’re always the one causing trouble, hermanita. Don’t get so offended,” vic teased.

“Whatever. This time it wasn’t me. I know what it’s like to live in the ghetto… I know to lock up. Sheesh.” She shook her head and scanned the room, looking for the next person to blame. “It’s probably Molly.”

“No it’s not! I never go anywhere.”

“Yeah but you’re up all night you prob do it without realizing.”

Izaak held up a hand to stop the bickering before it escalated. “It doesn’t matter. Now everyone is aware of the problem, so everyone can be more careful. If it happens again, the culprit will be spanked, understood?”

Everyone nodded in agreement.

It only took three days for the door to be left ajar again. This time, the culprit was found before a meeting was held.

“It was me.”

Izaaks eyebrows raised in surprised at Vic standing before him. That was the last person he’d expected.

“I was the last person home… I was drunk and more scatter-brained than normal…” he paused, a little nervous. “Sorry about that…”

There was a tense silence as Izaak looked for words. He finally settled on, “you know you’re going to get spanked for this.”

Vic gulped and nodded. “Yes, I accept, just please remember…. This is not fun for me 😅”

“I know.” He said nothing else, just lead vic to the spanking room [[[lol idk if that’s going to be a thing but just going with it]]]. He sat on the couch, vic standing before him in basketball shorts and a t shirt.

“Does it have to be… on my bare bottom?”

Izaak nodded, not giving vic the chance to think about it as he yanked down the shorts and helped vic over his lap. “I expect you to be more careful about everyone’s safety,” Izaak lightly scolded, beginning to rain down swats on Vic’s bottom. Everyone knows how I feel about spanking scenes, so that’s as far as I’m going to get with this tonight.

Happy fantasies 🥰

notes about toby/chloe

Where Toby went wrong with Chloe.

After violet and izaak leave to travel, Chloe moves in with Toby with the idea that he’s going to help her take better care of herself.

But I guess where he went wrong generally is allowing her to be vulnerable around him so much. It creates the environment of him always being the put-together one… the one with control. He predicts her moves before she makes them and calls out her bullshit and she’s addicted to it. She doesn’t question, just conforms. She stuffs down any negative feeling that arises because it feels safer to assume he always knows what’s best. And Toby’s ego loves being viewed in that light.

But that’s why someone like vic is healthier for him… because vic is fine with being called out but will also fire back.

Toby learns that he needs to be careful even in relationships where he’s the top. It’s so easy to view the bottom as helpless and in need of saving. He already knew not to try anything with someone who thinks the spanking will actually save them. But just being viewed in that way becomes a job rather than a 2 way relationship.

Poly house

“Do you know what time it is?” Izaaks voice echoed through the dark living room, startling me out of my video game trance.

“Yeah… it’s 5:34. Theres a clock on the tv, ya know,” I replied, not looking up from the screen.

Izaak took a step towards me. “Kiddo, we talked about this last night — you’ve overslept everyday this week from staying up too late.”

My tummy twisted into knots at his kindness as I wondered if testing his patience was a good move… But I was so high and into my game, it was easy to ignore him and the anxiety faded until he spoke again.

“Molly,” he said, a little more firmly now. “Bedtime.”

“Okay in a minute.”

“No. Now.”

“I’m in the middle of this but when I finish I’ll go.”

Izaaks mouth dropped as if he’d just realized his little girl had turned into a bratty pre-teen, then suddenly the tv turned off.

“Hey! I wasn’t finished!” I shrieked, chunking the controller onto the other couch, but it bounced off and landed on the hardwood floor with a THUD!

“You are now.”

Growling, I reached for the remote and turned the tv back on, disappointed to see that the match was over and I’d lost. But before I had the chance to grieve my characters death, izaak had strolled towards me, yanked me up from the couch, and tossed me over his knee. When I finally realized what was happening, he was already tugging down my pjs.

“Waitttt stopppp..” I begged, honestly not having expected a spanking right there in the living room where anyone could walk in and they could probably even hear if they were awake! (Of course, I probably should’ve predicted it, because it’s totally in line with how izaak rolls.)

He didn’t stop, instead circled his arm around my waist and began spanking my bare bottom.

*insert spanking scene here*

“Okay okay I’ll go to beddddd!” I finally cried. As the swats ended, my body finally relaxed, thankful it was over. Izaak lifted me up and stood me in front of him while I rubbed the sting out of my glowing bottom.

“If I catch you up this late on a weeknight again, I will use the hairbrush. Do you understand?”

I nodded, sniffling.

Izaak embraced me and planted a kiss on my forehead, then helped my pjs back up and sent me off to bed.

After climbing the stairs I noticed that my bedroom door was already open, which could only mean one thing….

“Somebody was up past her bedtime again,” gabe half-teased as I entered, closing the door behind me.

Blushing, I asked, “you heard the whole thing?”

“I did.”

I crawled into bed next to him, kinda pouty.

“Sounded like you got a good spanking.” As I snuggled up next to him, gabe reached to pat my bottom. “Feels like it too.”

“Omg stoppp you’re embarrassing me.”

“Maybe thats what you need to get to bed on time, young lady.”

I squirmed, feeling all tingly. “No I don’t,” I huffed.

“To be taken over the knee,” he said as his fingers went from caressing my bottom to.. caressing somewhere else. “Spanked like a bad girl — so soundly that everyone in the house can hear.”

“Nooo that’s evil…” I moaned.

“First by izaak, then by me. Through your tears you would promise to be a good girl. You would give up control to us and follow the rules. And any time a rule is broken, you know exactly where you’d end up…”

another vic inspiration video 😂🥰

https://youtu.be/iHXGOaMF5d8 

wanting to get back into daily writing again

"Ay dios mio, I'm so glad you're okay, hermanita.  You had me worried sick."  Vic squeezed me tight in a hug, probably wanting to smack some sense into me.  "When I saw you on the news being manhandled by the cops like that... I had no idea what to do."

Vic still didn't let go, though his tense body was finally softening.  "Well, sending Izaak to rescue me was a good call."  My heart skipped a beat as images danced into my mind:  being tackled to the ground, face shoved into the concrete, catching a glimpse of Izaak's boot then hearing his protective tone commanding the cop to stop.  It was such an adrenaline rush... power trip, even.  So much that I couldn't help mouthing off to the officer... much to Izaak's disapproval, even though we both knew the cop deserved it.  

My brother finally detached from me, now giving me an evil glare, ready to rip me a new one.  "Now explain to me what the fuck you were doing at that protest when you promised me to steer clear."

I groaned.  "Bro, you knew I was lyin' to get you off my back.  If you believed that shit, it's on you."

"We'd had a good talk... I warned you something like this would happen, and you seemed to genuinely care about your own safety for once."

last family meeting

"This is our last family meeting..." Molly said half-heartedly, eyes getting teary.

"It ain't like we won't keep in touch.  No need to get so sensitive about it."

She looked at me, unimpressed at how invalidating I was being, but now really wasn't the time.  There was enough on my mind about traveling with Izaak next week... to my hometown... where I'd have to deal with family drama and buried emotions. (What the hell am I getting myself into?)

"Besides, it's so awkward nowadays between sergeant douche and Clo."

Molly tensed up, suddenly ready to change the subject.  "It was a good few weeks though, right?"  She now looked at Toby.  "Do you think we accomplished our original mission?"

Toby chuckled.  "I'm not even sure I remember our original mission."

"To torture me," I said, sticking my tongue out at him.

The doc shook his head with a smile.  "Not everything is about you."  Today he was seated beside Clo, a little too close for my comfort.  I didn't like how chummy they were getting lately — like she was basically living with him now.  Like a typical dude, he thought he had all the power over her, but it was clear she had him wrapped around her little finger.  But I didn't dare approach that subject with Toby... he'd assume I was being protective about Izaak or just mad that he wasn't with Vic.... and he wouldn't be totally wrong.

"Ten bucks says this time it was about me."

izaak/toby scene beginning, then molly and toby

I met Izaak at the front door when he arrived, too ashamed to speak as I lead him upstairs. We entered my bedroom and his long legs immediately strode to the couch, ignoring the wooden chair I'd placed in the middle of the room. He motioned for me to take a seat next to him.

Neither of us spoke for a moment until I looked up and our eyes met. "You have not answered anyone's phone call for almost two weeks."

Gulping, I hung my head. "I know. I've been in a depressive episode."

He was silent, processing what I'd just told him. "You were manic last time I saw you."

I nodded, noticing that I wanted to get defensive and trick Izaak into feeling pity for me. I could recount past traumas and use psychiatrist jargon to make him think that I didn't actually deserve to be punished... to defend me against being vulnerable in front of him. But I didn't react to that desire, instead keeping a solemn expression, hands folded in my lap.

"What do you need to tell me?"  His sternness made my stomach twist with guilt and nervousness.  

"I... I think I triggered my own manic episode..."

[[i have no idea where this scene fits in relation to everyone finding out about chloe, so just gonna wing it 😅]]

Izaak eyes remained fixed on me, waiting for me to elaborate.