New York City was everything and nothing like I'd imagined. Heat radiated from the crowded trash-littered streets, people pushing past each other in a hurry. Noise and air pollution wafted through the tall buildings, reminding me of home. But it was just so much bigger and busier.
Fortunately, Izaak's building was newly built with thick windows and walls to block out the gross outside. His home was perched on the top floor of a walk-up apartment with skinny marble stairs.
"It's only one bedroom, but the futon is all yours." He pointed to the black couch-like object at the far end of the living room, next to a large window and sliding glass door that led to the balcony. "I'll get privacy screens for you so it'll feel like your own space." Rolling my suitcase to the corner of the room, he then motioned where the screens could be set, right between the futon and the loveseat.
I walked next to him and set my backpack on the futon, feeling a rush of panic. "Was it a bad idea for me to come?"
"What are you talking about?" he asked, lifting my chin so that I was looking him in the eyes.
"There's no way I can repay you for this... There's no way I can afford part of your rent." I turned and ran my finger over the smooth leather sofa, then walked towards the kitchen. The gray marble floor and matching countertop sparkled in cleanliness. The sink was empty, only one coffee mug on the drainboard. Everything was spotless and new, a sharp contrast from what I was used to. Though I'm good at faking it til I make it... I didn't want to feel like I was conning my best friend.
"The expectation isn't there, Chloe. You know that." He paused, and I knew there was more coming.
"But...?"
"But you have to eventually move forward. Take time to grieve and figure out what to do. Then put your plan into action."
"Ha... plan. You know I don't like planning. It was our biggest fight in college."
"I remember."
Turning to face him, my heart skipped a beat. His eyebrows were raised, eyes playful yet stern, the same expression he'd had years ago, right before spanking me. Did he remember that? Certainly he must. And was he planning on doing it again? My face reddened at that thought but I tried to stay confident as I gave a nervous giggle.
“Hey, don't worry about money for now. Your grandma died. Take care of yourself, process what you need to process, and move forward. You know I’ll tell you if I ever feel like you’re not pulling your weight around here.”
My stomach twisted into knots. I wanted to ask him about spanking me, but the words were stuck in my throat, unwilling to come out. Instead, I asked, "where can I put my clothes?"
“I didn't have the chance to get everything together before coming for you." He opened his bedroom door and disappeared for a moment, then came back with a 3x3 cubbie. "This should do for today, and if you need something else, we'll get it when we get the screens."
I looked up at him with admiration. How did I deserve such a good friend? Even my mom hadn't answered my call after Granny's death. But Izaak brought me all the way to New York City? "Thanks. You're the best!" I kissed him on the cheek and started emptying my suitcase. Organizing my new "room" would be easier than thinking about how I'd probably screw this up. Then I could walk around and check out my new neighborhood and maybe find a real phone with my new identity. Not that I had anyone to contact anyway... though I really missed Sage.
And I was really starting to miss the easy way of getting money. What if leaving the crime life was a bad idea?
The next few days passed by in a blur. Izaak left for work early, so it was easy to sleep until noon. He would normally get home by 3 or 4, so that’s what prompted me to get out of bed, showered, dressed, and out the door. I had to make him believe that I was doing something while he was working all day.
I hoped he thought I was passing out resumes and interviewing with people or at least networking. The reality was that I spent most of my days touring the city, practicing photography, talking to people on the streets or anyone who had a story. One of my first acquaintances was a drug dealer named Andy who offered me a job selling weed. I did it for a few days to fund my own bad habits, but just didn't really know enough people to be a dealer.
By the third week of living in NYC, the depression hit. I realized that my life was transforming for real. My granny wasn't coming back, Sage wasn't coming back, Chloe Peterson wasn't coming back. I had to be a new person now. And throughout my life, I'd been so many different people, put on so many different faces to appease my family and friends and run my cons... But this new face seemed permanent and that scared me.
The fact that Izaak didn't know about my past was starting to weigh me down. There were a few days that I didn't get out of bed at all, only a few times to smoke on the balcony or use the bathroom. Even though the privacy screens blocked him from seeing me, Izaak still felt my negative energy and must have known something was up. So I just stayed in bed avoiding him, knowing the confrontation would happen soon. I could just feel it.
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