toby & molly convo continued

"I heard things have been rough with Adam lately," Toby said, reaching out for the weed to roll a joint for me.  He was in a "service sub" type mood, which was usually my jam more than his, but I guess he'd been broken down quite a bit over the last few weeks.

"I know you think I should break up with him."

"It doesn't really matter what I think.  Do you see me in any type of relationship?"

I smiled then brought my knees to my chest, hugging them for a moment as I watched his fingers navigate the rolling papers with ease.  "When was the last time you were in a relationship anyway?"

He shook his head.  "A real official relationship?  Not since college."

"But you dated Vic for a minute."

"Yeah, just dated though.  It's not like either of us brought the other home."

"Do you want a relationship?"

Toby licked the paper, sticking it together then handing me the joint.  I knew he didn't want to answer this question, but since he felt guilty he would anyway.  "It's hard to admit and also hard to deny."

"What a non-answer," I teased.

"When I get in relationships, things like my manic episode happen.  Maybe I'm not ready yet."

"Will you ever be ready?"

Toby shrugged, not really looking me in the eyes.  It was weird seeing him like this, kinda defeated.  "I don't know."

There was a tense silence as my lighter flickered on and I inhaled a mouthful of smoke.  I blew it out softly, staring up at the smoke accumulating in front of my light, so enthralled that I momentarily forgot about the conversation we'd been having.

Until Toby spoke again, his voice low.  "When I was five, my mom tried to kill herself, and I'm the one who found her."  My gaze darted towards him.  He still stared off in the distance, seemingly numb to the horrifying information he just told me.  I wanted to respond, but what do you say to that?  So I took another hit, waiting to see what else he had to say.  "The thought of being in a relationship reminds me of that.  It's hard to allow myself to get vulnerable with anyone, knowing at some point they will betray me."  Now his eyes locked with mine.  "I admire that you give so much in your relationships, even though I wish you were better at being careful who you give it to."

"I'm going to break up with him.  These last two weeks have been hell but he can't give me more than a 'cheer up buttercup' and that's not fair.  Even Gabe is better at comforting me than that."

"Gabe's been there for you a lot through everything."

"Yeah but he'd never be interested in anything more with me.  He's married to his job."

Toby looked doubtful but didn't argue.  "Adam is also married to his job, and was married to his wife when you first met him."

I blushed.  "Well Gabe is just totally out of my league."

His brows were slightly furrowed as he spoke.  "According to who?"

"Umm anyone who has eyes," I said with a bit of attitude, looking away.

Toby sat up, ready to argue but still too melancholy to lecture me like he normally would.  "If you keep believing that you're not worthy of real love, you're never going to get it."