after violet's relapse 2

“What prompted the decision to request an emergency session today?”

I sat across from my therapist, arms folded, not really into the idea of talking this all out. Clo needed me to help her before Gabe turned her in, and I’d already begun working on my plan, but not being there to oversee everything was making me anxious. “Gabe,” I responded, clenching my fists.

There was an awkward silence as I stewed in my anger, until my therapist finally asked, “do you plan to elaborate?”

I looked up. “Yeah, sorry. I relapsed. He told me to ‘get support’ and all of my friends seem to be out of commission, like always. I’m not sure what other support I could’ve found.”

He nodded. “I see. And what kind of support do you need?”

My shoulders bounced in a shrug. “You can do your shrinking thing.”

There was a slight hesitation. He was probably thinking about what a terrible therapy patient I am, which wouldn’t be the first time I heard that. “Okay. What do you think drove you to relapse?”

“Fuckin’ Andy.” I grumbled a few obscenities under my breath.

When I didn’t elaborate, he straightened up in his chair and observed, “it often doesn’t feel like I’m pulling teeth to get an answer, but today it seems like you're not into talking about what’s going on with you.”

I took a deep breath and finally relaxed my body a bit. I’d been tense with anger and worry. “Sorry. I’ve got a lot on my mind.” I tried to steady my racing thoughts, explaining the Andy situation and my poker game.

“Sounds like you were feeling concerned for Clo getting in trouble.”

“I still am. I ended up finally telling Gabe, hoping he’d cut us both some slack, but he doesn’t give a fuck. Nobody ever cares about anyone but themselves. Fucking narcissist.”

Before I continued on my rant, he said, “wait, correct me if I’m wrong, but Clo did commit a crime, right?”

“Yeah but nothing nearly as bad as what the client did to her. She was a vulnerable kid, and he took advantage.”

“Are we still talking about Clo?”

“Yeah, who the fuck else would we be talking about?”

“What feelings are coming up for you right now?”

“I’m fucking pissed!”

“Pause. Let’s breathe into that anger because we’re not going to get anywhere until you’re back at baseline.”

I growled under my breath but closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths with his direction, then opened again, seeing my surroundings more clearly finally. “I’m feeling powerless,” I said in a low voice, slumped in my seat and noticing tears wanting to form.

“Does this feeling remind you of anything?”

“The first memory that comes to mind is my cousins. My uncle being a dick to them, me wanting to do whatever I could to stop the beatings. Sometimes it worked.”

“What specific incident comes to mind?”

A lightbulb went off in my brain as I made the connection. “The first time I ever used was after he beat my littlest cousin. I felt so helpless hearing her cries. I was just there in the other room, but kind of frozen. She was in trouble for something that felt like my fault… I don’t remember what it was. I had to leave. Andy and I weren’t dating, but I saw him on the streets that day, he recognized me from school, invited me to Dominic’s. Gave me a line. It felt so powerful. I felt so confident. If that man touched my cousin, I thought I could beat the shit out of him. When I got home late, my aunt and uncle yelled at me, but it didn’t affect me at all. I yelled back. I was ready to kick his ass. When I got loud, they backed off. I told them crazy shit too… like I was joining a gang and I’d send someone to shoot him if he kept fucking with my cousins. Honestly, I dunno if the beatings stopped after that or I just wasn’t home as much.” I paused, wiping a few tears away. “I also shared the coke with my cousins, which is kinda fucked up, but felt like what they needed to get back power against this fucker.”

My therapists nodded, following along. “So cocaine started out as a way to feel powerful against bullies.”

“Yeah, and I guess also a way to turn attention from my innocent cousins onto me. I wanted him to try to hit me. I wanted to provoke him to that point. I would’ve ended him if it happened.”

“I wonder if a part of you thought using last night would help protect Clo from her consequences?”

My nose scrunched up in confusion, but honestly it did kinda make sense.

“At the very least, it would buy you more time by taking the attention off her for a few days.”

I nodded. “Yeah, that would make sense. That sounds like me.”