therapy session with Molly

"Okay, finished," Molly said, sitting back in her chair to glance over the sandtray she'd made.  

"What was it like to create this image?"

"I have no idea what any of this means, but it was fun."  When I didn't comment, she continued.  "I guess the tinkerbell in the middle is kinda like me, and I like turtles and cats, I guess that's crackers next to me.  Turtles just seem so chill so I also wanna have a turtle with me.  And cats are good companions, they don't need too much from me.  The soldier guy reminds me of Izaak — he's kinda the whole reason I'm here today, which is a little surprising since normally it would've been Toby.  Izaak didn't really give me a choice.  It's like he saved me.  And I put the ambulance on there I think because it feels like Izaak saw me as dramatically worse than anyone else did.  He's kinda like that."

She paused, lost in her thoughts for a minute before going on.

"The top left corner is all the turmoil I feel like I've been in lately, and the pills is what usually saves me.  Because paradise is blocked off by a wall and that germ-y gross guy.  The only thing that can get me through is drugs."  Molly looked down, ashamed at her statement.

"What about the knight?" I asked.

"Yeah, the knight can get me through, too, but it's not a sure thing.  Izaak is kind of like my knight in shining armor, he's rescued me from so much.  It's easy for me to project a fantasy onto him, though.  I think he's pretty much the only person who's been able to live up to the idealized image I have of him."

"What do you mean?"

"Like I remember when I first met Toby, I idealized him.  He seemed so put-together and spiritual and mature.  Violet and I decided to make him our disciplinarian, and it just went really badly.  He got super stressed out with us and wasn't great at maintaining boundaries or taking care of himself, and I ended up really hurt by it all.  He fell from that pedestal pretty fast.  Like I still love him, but in a different way.  If he was the one trying to get me to go to therapy, I'm not sure I would've reacted in the same way."

"What would be the difference in your reactions?"

"With Izaak I got into little space.  He confronted me and wouldn't let me talk my way out of it, even if I had a good argument.  Actually he just told me to stop trying to get out of this, that I knew he was right.  And when I got bratty, he threatened to... discipline... me."  She blushed and hid her face a little, then cleared her throat.  "Toby probably would've stayed a lot quieter, and not pushed me so much.  He also just acts so condescending sometimes... like the reason I'm not acting the way he thinks I should is because I'm too stupid to see it.  I guess he also looks at me with pity.  He's good at guilt-tripping me, but doesn't do that as much these days, saves it for when we're doing a consensual scene.  I think I wish he would guilt-trip me more, but I'm not sure if that's just in fantasy or if I'd actually like that in real life."

"If Toby guilt-tripped you, it would convince you to go to therapy?"

"Yeah, probably, but he wouldn't do that.  He would say that I should only go because I want to, not because he's making me."

"What do you think about that?"

"I get it, but Izaak demanded it, and he didn't care of I wanted to go or not, and I kinda liked that more.  It made me feel more cared-for.  It's like he was confident about it and that's what I needed.  Toby giving me a choice doesn't make me want to do this.  I guess I like having no power sometimes.  I trust other people more than myself."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I seem to fuck everything up."