I plopped back down on the bed and reached for my phone and vape pen. The first thing I noticed was a message from, surprise, Adam! Typical for my heart to speed up with anticipation as I read. Back from CT today, let's catch up? Going to the office first and will pick you up at 10.
So many mixed feelings.... excited to get the attention, angry at myself for being happy when he'd treated me like shit, nervous about a potential spanking. Part of me wanted to leave him on read as karma. But I was too wrapped up in love and hurriedly typed in a confirmation that I'd be ready and waiting outside when he arrived.
Like me, my boyfriend grew up in a single-parent home, though struggled more financially since he had a younger brother. He has always been consistently burdened with everyone else's problems, a trait that will likely never die. It was impossible for Adam to tell anyone no, another similarity between us, so I couldn't really blame him for wanting to help out his ex-wife with the kids. Nevertheless, when he pulled up to my apartment with a bouquet of flowers (fake ones though, with 1/8 of weed hidden inside, because he knew the kind of plant I prefer) and apology note, I was even more head over heels for him.
"I haven't been by the condo yet — I thought we could head there first to discuss your behavior, and then enjoy your gift and order lunch, maybe take a nap."
"Before you head back?"
His smile faded, knowing that I was a little hurt at his absence. "Yes, but let's not think about that right now. Let's just enjoy our time together. Last week you messaged me asking for discipline. I hope you're prepared for a long trip over my knee..."
My tummy dropped, nervously excited about a spanking from him finally.
x-x-x-x
His head wasn't as in the game. It was almost like he was vanilla all over again, repeating the same patterns as when he was married. The spanking was too light, not discipline-y at all, and when it was over he wanted to be sexually pleased, which I happily did even though I wasn't in the mood at all. In fact, at this point I was more turned off than I ever had been before.
When we were snuggled up in bed after, waiting for lunch to arrive, I let Adam in on the family stuff lately, hoping he would come to the next meeting with me. His body tensed and I felt his discomfort with the idea. He was still so much more in-the-closet than me. So instead of pressuring him, I opted for a question. "Is it okay if Gabe spanks me?"
"Does he really need to? Was the spanking I just gave you not enough?"
"It's just different with him," I muttered, noticing his frown. The fact that he answered my question with a question meant that he didn't want the spanking to happen, but also didn't want me to say no. "And anyway, I'm not saying it will happen... but I think it would be helpful... like especially for when you're not around."
He nodded. "I understand. Honestly, I don't like it, but I know you have needs. If you trust Gabe to provide what you need, I'm not going to tell you no."
Sounded enough like a "no" that I started feeling annoyed. Why am I even with this man?
"Oh, I meant to show you!" he said excitedly, reaching for his phone. He pulled up an email and clicked on a link, shoving the device under my nose. A page loaded with a Victorian-style house that looked like a dilapidated castle. "Eight bedrooms and a fixer-upper like you wanted. It's supposed to be a good investment, in an up-and-coming neighborhood." He scrolled through the pictures and my eyes watered in how perfect the property was. I imagined my whole family living together... someone always coming and going, everyone helping each other out. Seemed like the ultimate fantasy. "Do you like it? I'll have my assistant set up a tour for us next Monday. Victor is still out of town, right? I guess we can make a video tour for him while we're there." The buzzer sounded, cutting off his train of thought and he kissed my forehead, sliding out of bed to answer.
I rolled out of bed, too, checking out my bottom in his mirror, not seeing even a hint of pink. Disappointed, I put my pants and panties back on, readjusting my ponytail and meeting Adam in the kitchen. Even though I smiled at him making my plate of food, something still felt off. I felt so hollow... empty. Depression? Or did I know this wouldn't last?
x-x-x-x
It was around 5pm when I got home, looking at my messages for the first time since leaving that morning. My lazy cat lounged on the corner of my bed, purring as she slept soundly. I curled up next to her, seeing what everyone had responded to my whiny good morning message.
Toby: No more negotiations. If the work is not complete by Thursday afternoon, Gabe will provide consequences in front of everyone.
Izaak: Don't play with fire. Be responsible. Call me if you need.
Violet: what cart did u want? (and a pic of the menu at the dispensary)
????? wtf bitch why voicemail??? u ain't workin
ughhhhhh fiiiiiiiine.... ill get whatev
Gabe: Get it done. Do you need more motivation?
Vic: I miss your face! I'm ready to hang out again. Fuck Arizona.
[[[smoother transition]]]
My loneliness came with the familiar feeling of abandonment, which always happens when I fall for someone, like it’s my destiny. I couldn't shake the idea he’d end up back with his ex-wife. And it felt like that’s what I deserved anyway, for being with him while he was still married.
Mixed with that fear and shame was a shit ton of overwhelm at all the fucking work I needed to do, and at the idea of fully shifting to my job with Toby. I was finally financially able to quit the clinic… but I didn't want to abandon my patients. I couldn't be that person. Hurts too much.
Distorted melody blasting through my speakers, I scrolled through social media. There wasn't much news. Vic had posted nothing all day, which told me he was super busy finishing up his project. Adam had been tagged in a pic by his ex-wife, which I swiped past hurriedly. Violet had made it to Seattle and shared pics of herself posing in front of the space needle and with the goodies she'd bought from the dispensary (hopefully for me?!).
A pang of jealousy twisted in my stomach. It's not fair how easy it is for her to be selfish... all it ever gets me is a guilty conscience.
Taking a puff off my vape pen, I mindlessly searched for Chloe's profile, getting lost in a rabbit hole of beautiful women and spanko memes for what seemed like hours (and still didn’t find Chloe).
I tossed my phone aside, ignoring the growling in my tummy. My head felt foggier and body heavier, partly a side-effect of the weed, but also likely the beginning of a depressive episode. Fuck. I really needed to finish my work before it took over.
With another hit off my vape pen, I listened to my whiny inner monologue doing everything in its power to convince me to just keep smoking until I fell asleep. I genuinely didn't want a spanking, though, and especially not an embarrassing one. But Toby and Gabe were teaming up against me. There was no escaping.
Instead of starting on my work, I scrolled through Instagram again…
Unentertained at the repetitive photos, my thoughts spiraled, dark places of everyone being mad at me, hating me, thinking I'm too much to handle, and pushing me away until I'm all alone. Toby would fire me, and I'd become the failure I already felt like.
When the song changed, something mellower and reminding me of family, I snapped out of the spiral long enough to know I needed someone.
Can I come over? Please?
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