Every time my phone vibrated, I jumped in startle, imagining it to be Gabe, condemning me for lying to him so much the last couple of weeks. Or Toby, infuriated because I was fucking something up at work. Or Adam, breaking up with me because I'm not good enough.
The guilt was real. I felt guilty about literally everything. And there's only one way to remedy that.
I felt relief when I saw the message was from a client with my old clinic job. Boundaries have never been my strength at work, so all of the teens I work with have my phone number. Most of them use it sparingly or not at all, but there's a handful who have unrealistic expectations (that I tend to live up to).
Omar is being a dick and won't let me go out. He doesn't understand I NEED to go, staying in this apartment makes me depressed and suicidal.
Isabel was a feisty 16 year old whose mother was on an extended vacation to her home country, leaving her in the care of three older siblings. As the youngest child, she was resented by most of the others, seen as a brat who always got her way. I'd only met her eldest brother, Omar, a couple of times, and he didn't seem to like me. Isabel said he thought therapy was bullshit and that I was too nice to her. He was probably right about the last half of that.
I tried everything already he just doesn't understand. I can't deal with this anymore. Nobody cares, mom just left me here with all of them.
Ugh... so much guilt. I should've done a better job of teaching her coping skills... should've coached the mom better... should've had a family session with Omar involved. Too late for any of that now. How can I help? I typed.
Come convince Omar to let me go out ðŸ˜
It wasn't possible to talk to him over the phone, at least according to Isabel, so that's why I ended up in a sketchy part of town. It was a beautiful evening, nearing sunset, and the sidewalks were packed. I stood out, ignoring the cat-calls, just staring straight ahead until I arrived at her half-open front door. I awkwardly looked around for a doorbell, with no luck, and settled for texting her that I was there.
I was still waiting for a response when an older kid came up behind me on her bicycle, wondering if I was one of those "church ladies" trying to sell Jesus. When I said who I was looking for, she hollered for her dad (in Spanish), then ran inside. It felt even more awkward now, because the door was wide open and I wasn't really sure if I was supposed to go in or wait. Ugh this was such a bad idea.
Eventually, Omar came to the door. "I'm sorry. I told my daughter to invite you in... I was just finishing dinner." He gestured for me to come in and I felt bad, interrupting.
"Oh, if it's a bad time maybe we can talk over the phone later?"
"Don't worry, please come in. Isabel is sleeping, she did not tell me you will come. I would like to talk to you about her if it's no problem?" His Spanish accent was thick and sexy.
"Of course!" I followed him to the living room where he tried to organize the chaos going into the kitchen. It was a small and old apartment, only two bedrooms and a tiny "room" (more like a closet) that Isabel told me her mom slept in. One of the bedrooms was reserved for Omar, his wife, and their two kids. And the other Isabel shared with her two older sisters. Everyone was eating dinner now, passing by me in the living room and giving me awkward looks.
Why do I get myself in these situations?
Once everyone was settled (the kitchen was so noisy), Omar returned and motioned for me to follow him outside. "I think it will be more private. The others like to gossip." We sat on a couple of plastic chairs and he explained that he'd caught Isabel smoking marijuana, and that she hadn't completed her "homeworks" (which was so adorable the way he pronounced it <3 ). He was also worried that she was more interested in this older boy than being a good person to her friends. Really he just needed some time to vent, and after I listened and validated, he asked for suggestions and agreed to attend a family session.
I call it a win! I felt great (sorta) when I left.
Except I was really nervous because now it was dark and the neighborhood was even sketchier at night. Now would've been a good time to have Violet at my side... she always knew how to handle these circumstances better.
Which reminded me that Violet was back home tonight, and I really wasn't in the mood to deal with her energy. She'd been a little off since telling me about some moral dilemma related to a case. I didn't give her the answer she wanted to hear, and it felt like she was mad at me ever since. Ugh, another person to feel guilty about.
Isabel's life had so many parallels to mine... and I couldn't suggest to her brother that he spank her, but it felt like that's exactly what I needed to get through these annoying emotions.
Gabe was the first person to come to mind, which was a combination of the scariest and least scary option. Despite normally going with my gut, I decided to weigh my options anyway.
I hadn't been brave enough to have a real conversation with Izaak last week, and he didn't try to pull it out of me. But that's just the kind of relationship we have. I'm one of the few people he feels comfortable sharing his darkest emotions with, so he's too patient when I feel guarded. Which is usually a good thing, but with the current mood, wasn't going to be helpful.
I wasn't ready for Toby yet.... he'd give me too much extra guilt and ever since I'd gotten behind, I had a constant fear he'd fire me. I couldn't confess the lies to him. There's a lot of trust in our friendship... but I didn't feel strong enough to deal with his disappointment and potential abandonment (even if the risk was low). He'd already taken a break from me before. I didn't want to take any chances.
I'd tried to get a spanking from Adam the last few weeks, but he was always "too tired" or some other excuse. And I was currently not reaching out to him first (which was killing me) in an effort to be less annoying. Also, fuck Adam.
Gabe really was the most reasonable choice, so that's why I texted him when I was still a few blocks from the train.
Can I come over? Please?
Gabe called right away. "I'll send my driver to pick you up."
"I can come on my own... it's probably faster on the train, anyway."
"There's no need for you to be out this late on your own when I can pick you up. No arguments, Young Lady. I'll have him text you when he arrives."
I grumbled but knew there was no use arguing. "Yes, Sir. I should be home by the time he gets there..." Then hung up before Gabe could comment.
Yes, he called right back to demand to know what I meant by that and then scolded me, refusing to get off the phone with me until I met with his driver. It was annoying, but also sweet. I told him all about the magnificent work I did for Isabel (leaving out names and details of course), and he gave me all the praise I wanted :) I felt like a purring cat when you're petting its ears.
Gabe's driver picked me up in a well-lit area near the subway. We chatted the whole ride to Manhattan. It still amazed me that I lived in this city.
"You didn't stop by the apartment to pack an overnight bag?"
I shrugged. "Violet's home." My eyes were already watery when I looked at him, threatening to cry like a crazy person before anything real even happened. My imagination was too strong... I was too sensitive. Too many emotions.
"Is everything okay?"
The first question that came to mind: "Are you mad at me?"
He teased, "Are you keeping up with paperwork so the doc won't bother me at work?"
I chewed on my lower lip. "Some of it."
"He thinks there's something deeper going on with you." It came out like a question.
I shrugged. "Maybe."
"Sounds like you have something to confess."
"Not yet."
He let me stand in an uneasy silence for a minute before he allowed it. "I'll find you something to wear in the hot tub, and we'll put those clothes in the washer so they'll be clean tomorrow. You have an hour to stall, and then we're discussing it, am I clear?"
"Yes, Sir."
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