violet with toby

As Gabe and I walked out of the office, I saw a familiar figure leaning against the wall, gazing in our direction.  "What the fuck's he doin' here?" I growled, stopping and folding my arms.

"Cool it," Gabe warned.  He took a step closer to me, face serious.  "Molly's tired of babysitting you, so you'll stay with Toby the next couple of nights."

My eyes narrowed.  "I don't need a fuckin' babysitter..."

I was rudely cut off by Gabe grabbing my ear and dragging me forward.  "And I don't need your fucking attitude, young lady."

As I caught someone noticing what Gabe had done, my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.  "Oh my god, really??  In public?"

"You're lucky I don't blister your ass right out here in front of everyone.  Are you ready to behave and stop with the defiance?"

Unsure if more eyes were watching the scene, and knowing that Gabe and Toby could easy gang up against me, I felt embarrassed enough to submit... for now.  "Fine."  He yanked on my ear, causing a yelp and then I hurriedly said, "Yes sir!"

Gabe's hand dropped and I rubbed my earlobe as he pushed me to walk faster towards my friend.  An unfamiliar heavy lump sat in my gut, wanting to avoid Toby.  No matter how mean Gabe treated me, our interactions mostly had an underlying humor; we're just part of a big game.  Toby, on the other hand, was the implied winner and didn't let me argue, staying serious.  He was so much smarter than me.  I could never win.

Almost arriving to Toby, I tried to stop again.  "Bro... Don't make me go with him... I really can behave on my own..."

Gabe raised his eyebrows and shoved me forward.  "I didn't ask your opinion.  You're going, end of story."

x-x-x-x

I tried not to rage too much as Toby awkwardly watched me pack a duffle bag for the next two nights.  "This is so fucking stupid.  I'm not a child, I can stay by myself," I grumbled now that Gabe wasn't around.  

Toby stared at me, waiting patiently for my tantrum to subside.  His scrutinizing stare observing my every little move made me feel more vulnerable than last night when I was naked in front of them all.

"It's not like I don't have shit to keep me occupied.  I don't need a fucking babysitter."  I sniffled, stuck in a battle between mixed emotions:  angry my friends didn't trust me to be alone... confident that I wouldn't do anything stupid, though, since I'd be with Toby... terrified of how the next few hours would go...  But anger was the only thing I could show.  "Treatin' me like a criminal or psych patient.  This is some bullshit."  

I threw [something] against the wall and it knocked over [something else], sending it and a few other things crashing to the floor loudly.  Oops.  I rolled my eyes and was about to keep packing when suddenly I felt fingers clasping around my upper arm.  

"Bro! You scared the shit outta me.  You move like a ninja, what the fuck, yo."

He jerked me towards him, still a serious face, not playing with me.  His gaze so intense I subconsciously cowered, sensing that I was about to be put in my place.  "You are both a criminal and a psych patient:  you broke several laws over the last two weeks, and you are an addict.  Instead of giving your commentary and throwing shit around, be grateful that you have friends who care enough to get you out of the fucktopia you created for yourself.  After the way you've treated us all lately, you don't deserve an ounce of the attention we're giving.  Be thankful that we're better friends to you than you've been to us."

My stomach clenched and I hung my head, anger dissolved and now just feeling like a shitty person.  Which I absolutely deserved, but ugh, one of the worst feelings ever.

x-x-x-x

Toby lives on the second floor of a house that had been converted to a multi-family home.  As we climbed the stairs in the narrow hallway, our history came to mind.  

There were too many thoughts at once.  How shitty I treated him.  Drunken nights that I passed out in his room.  He always took care of me.  I wore him out.  I tried to pay him back for it all, but I was just too much.  Like everyone else, he took a step back from me.  He didn't have the time.  Couldn't give me the attention.  

Why had he agreed to be my 'babysitter' anyway?  I definitely wasn't worth it.

My eyes stung, pestering me to let the tears fall, but I'd resist for now.

"Where's Tristen?" I asked as we passed her room, remembering his emo kid little sister, two years older than me but much more delicate and innocent.  

"Vacation."

"Ohhh right I saw on insta, she's with her girlfriend right?  It looks like they're getting serious now... like almost moving-in-together level?"

"Maybe."

"Your crib is so badass though.  And rent stabilized too, right?"

He nodded, cold and detached, leading me to his large bedroom.  Like Molly's, Toby's bedroom had been a common area in its former life.  It's an L-shape, so he has it divided nicely:  couch and tv on one side, his bed and dresser on the other.  He had two large bookcases stuffed full, and still other books around the room.  It was actually much cleaner than I'd imagined, but Toby was def loaded, so probably had a weekly housekeeper.

I was only made to endure a few minutes of excruciating silence as Toby changed out of his work clothes.  His earlier scolding had subdued me a lot, so I sat on the couch fiddling with his rubik's cube.  My heart thumped and I chewed on my lower lip, busying myself with trying to solve this puzzle, much easier challenge than figuring out what to do with my life.

Totally absorbed, I didn't notice when Toby came back dressed comfortably in black shorts and a tight navy t-shirt until he cleared his throat loudly.  I glanced up.

"We need to talk."

"Famous last words," I muttered.

He sat down on the coffee table in front of me.  "Gabe spanked you last night, and tonight is my turn."

I stopped twisting the rubik's cube and looked up at him, stunned.  "But you could've last night and said no.  That's not fair.  You can't do it now!"  Anger stirred inside my chest so I went back to the device in my hands, not really trying to solve it anymore, just needing to move.  

"Behavior modification doesn't happen overnight.  There are several steps that must be completed...  Violet, please stop with that, it's really distracting."

I rolled my eyes and tossed it aside, folding my arms with a huff.

He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, eyes locked with mine.  We held the look for a minute and he was still calm when he spoke.  "What's going on?"

A sigh escaped without me wanting it to, and I rolled my eyes again.  "Is this therapy?"

"I really need you to put the brattiness aside and speak with me like an adult.  I'm not Molly, I don't deal with pre-teens."

My cheeks flushed.  "I don't know what's going on.  I don't know what you want me to say."

"I want you to tell me what triggered your spiral, why you didn't call me, and help me figure out what we can do to make sure this won't happen again."

x-x-x-x

Raw emotions exposed, analyzed, and challenged had me feeling exhausted.  Still vulnerable.  So many tears — more tears than I'd probably cried in the last few years.  I felt weaker, submissive.  That's when Toby could really take advantage.  He'd broken me down enough.